I was finally sleeping when
I've had problems sleeping for awhile now, again. I realize that I don't sleep normally. I think my internal clock goes insane when seasons change or something. Or maybe it was the decending depression or a combination. I think the depression has let up some. It feels just kind of tired now. Tired and stressed but not totally hopeless which is really good. I was afraid that the depression was gonna be really horriable this time. *knocks on wood* I think it's gone. I expect getting some kind of sadness when my birthday comes around just because I have unrealistic expectations of what I should have done by now.
I think my depression let up when I realized that I was probably depressed because twice at this time of year I was either engaged or pretty close. And even though I'm pretty content being a free agent that fear of being alone forever rears it's head every now and then. I mean I don't want to settle. If I were going to settle I'd be married already. I don't expect perfection, I like the little imperfections in people actually, but I do expect someone to treat me right 99 percent of the time. I give 1 percent asshole forgiveness, I figure I'll be an asshole probably that much so they should be able to be also. But I want it to be someone that is respectful and loving most all of the time. I also want someone that can love me for who I am right now and not expect me to change to suit them.
But anyway, I was sleeping really well dreaming and all, but then my mom knocks and says I have to get sis up for work. GRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSS. I wish I were a heavy sleeper. Hopefully I can go back to sleep, and get a solid sleep.
I got more hugs yesterday and the guy I like sat next to me again. I caught him glancing at me when he thought I wasn't looking. But I think he likes another girl. Oh well, the curse of my life. When I finally am really interested in getting to know someone they like someone else. I'm not sure about that though. He's still pretty flirtatious with me. Only time will tell. Al invited him and me to a party for his "friend's" birthday. It's Sunday afternoon so I can actually go. Which I will also count as my celebration with friends for my birthday. Ecards are welcomed and mean as much to me as gifts, and they are free. This is a thinly veiled hint that I want attention for my birthday, which is Thursday December 7th.
But I'm kind of upset too because the kitten my sister got, Pablo escabar, got clawed in the eye on Sunday. We thought it was healing normally so we didn't take him to the vet until yesterday. Dumb I know, but it looked ok I swear. It turns out that the claw had ripped his little eye and it was still open. He had to have surgery. They aren't sure whether or not he'll be able to see out of that eye again. They say that even if he can't he's so young that his other eye will compensate for it and he'll act normally. *sighs* I'm experiencing a lot of guilt about this because I should have put Annabelle out, but I didn't know she would claw Pablo in the eye. She'd only growled at him before. And I feel guilty because I should have taken him to the vet earlier, but he wasn't crying about his eye, and I couldn't see anything wrong with it. I mean the membrane/third eye was down over it, but we've had cats that have had the same thing happen and it was always ok. Dang it. I miss him, he always bothered me while I was here on the computer. I hope he's ok and he can use his eye.
I think my depression let up when I realized that I was probably depressed because twice at this time of year I was either engaged or pretty close. And even though I'm pretty content being a free agent that fear of being alone forever rears it's head every now and then. I mean I don't want to settle. If I were going to settle I'd be married already. I don't expect perfection, I like the little imperfections in people actually, but I do expect someone to treat me right 99 percent of the time. I give 1 percent asshole forgiveness, I figure I'll be an asshole probably that much so they should be able to be also. But I want it to be someone that is respectful and loving most all of the time. I also want someone that can love me for who I am right now and not expect me to change to suit them.
But anyway, I was sleeping really well dreaming and all, but then my mom knocks and says I have to get sis up for work. GRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSS. I wish I were a heavy sleeper. Hopefully I can go back to sleep, and get a solid sleep.
I got more hugs yesterday and the guy I like sat next to me again. I caught him glancing at me when he thought I wasn't looking. But I think he likes another girl. Oh well, the curse of my life. When I finally am really interested in getting to know someone they like someone else. I'm not sure about that though. He's still pretty flirtatious with me. Only time will tell. Al invited him and me to a party for his "friend's" birthday. It's Sunday afternoon so I can actually go. Which I will also count as my celebration with friends for my birthday. Ecards are welcomed and mean as much to me as gifts, and they are free. This is a thinly veiled hint that I want attention for my birthday, which is Thursday December 7th.
But I'm kind of upset too because the kitten my sister got, Pablo escabar, got clawed in the eye on Sunday. We thought it was healing normally so we didn't take him to the vet until yesterday. Dumb I know, but it looked ok I swear. It turns out that the claw had ripped his little eye and it was still open. He had to have surgery. They aren't sure whether or not he'll be able to see out of that eye again. They say that even if he can't he's so young that his other eye will compensate for it and he'll act normally. *sighs* I'm experiencing a lot of guilt about this because I should have put Annabelle out, but I didn't know she would claw Pablo in the eye. She'd only growled at him before. And I feel guilty because I should have taken him to the vet earlier, but he wasn't crying about his eye, and I couldn't see anything wrong with it. I mean the membrane/third eye was down over it, but we've had cats that have had the same thing happen and it was always ok. Dang it. I miss him, he always bothered me while I was here on the computer. I hope he's ok and he can use his eye.