(no subject)
I was once told that, if you can't make your self happy... you can't make others happy.
I’m sorry. I am my own worst enemy. I was told to say three things about myself I liked. I couldn’t name one. I’m fine, really- I’m okay...I’ll be okay. It’s so hard to hate being you, even if you have a good life, a really good life. My biggest fight of the day is waking up. I don’t want to face myself. I make myself sick. Waking up, confronting people, even the ones I love the most. It hurts to feel like I have to force myself to breath.
I want to lie here completely numb, naked, nobody around. Alone. Body tingling. Head pounding. Screaming. “It doesn’t hurt any more. I’ll be okay...... I hope.”
Confidence- there is no such thing. You’re better than me, and that’s okay. I know I’ll never amount to anything. I know that I’m a mess up and a complete accident. I know I never do anything right. I have no talents, no ambitions, no goals and I’m selfish. I’ll never make it in this world. It’s too cruel and I’m too small. I cant do it, I gave up trying a long time ago.
I’m smiling outside, and screaming inside. What’s is wrong with me? Why am I not okay anymore? He told me to tell him what makes me happy...? Not a person, not a materiel possession, but what really makes me happy? I’m trying to think, head pounding still, still completely numb. Nothing. I cant think of one single thing that makes me happy. I hate the life I’m living. I hate that I cant do anything right. I hate that when I try to do something right, even if it is right, it’s still not good enough.
Ooh I don’t have it that bad. I’m mainly just a girl whining about a stupid problem nobody cares about. I know I’m not being beaten. I’m not homeless I have a few people that love me. Why cant I be happy.
I dwell on negativity. -why is my best friend not allowed to hang out with me? What is so bad about me? what did I do wrong? why don’t I have friends? why don’t I like me? why am I so ugly? why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so fat? Do people not like me because im ugly? I’m fat? what? I whine to much right? I complain about every little thing. I’m selfish. That’s why my dad is getting divorced isn’t it? that’s why I lost all my friends right?
why cant I get answers from anybody. ?
I know I’m not anything, I’m NOTHING. I’ll never be anything, just another person in the crowd. just another face in the book. nobody special. no one looks up to me like I do so many others. no body says I want to be like her or I think she is cool (stupid I know.). I’m a nobody and I know it’s okay with me, I’m okay.
I’m fine really- I’ll be okay.
changing is the hardest thing for some people it seems. changing is so hard for me. stopping all the old ways throwing out the bad and starting over with myself. no more, I need to stop, think and consider how I’ll feel about something later on in life, consider others feelings and stop being so selfish, I know that I really cant love anyone else truly until I love myself.
I’m learning slowly. I’ll be a better person soon, I just hope that your still here when I’m done. And I hope that you still love me when I am done! And that you are my best friend that I can turn to when this is all over.
<3 Atheena