tipping is NOT a city in CHINA!
DISCLAIMER: I AM A WAITRESS ON THE EDGE. I AM SORRY IF THE THINGS I DISCUSS OFFEND YOU. I WORK MY ASS OFF DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND I AM TIRED OF BEING SHIT ON. I WAIT ON PLENTY OF NICE PEOPLE WHO TIP WELL. I ALSO WAIT ON PLENTY OF NICE PEOPLE WHO JUST DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER. I HAVE REACHED MY LIMIT. IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN TIPPING, PLEASE JUMP UP YOUR OWN ASS AND DIE. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
I just don't fucking get it. How the hell hard do I have to work to actualy make decent money? I swear to God, if I bust my ass waiting on one more table, bringing them more drinks than one person should drink in a day, boxing up their disgusting, mouthed-up leftovers, and I get five fucking dollars on a fifty dollar check ONE MORE TIME, I am going to hit someone in the face with a tray.
And incidentally, if you're reading this, here's a few things to keep in mind when you're considering your tip for your waitress: sometimes, the kitchen fucks up and your food takes a long time. your steak might not be done the way you think it should have been. menus change and the thing you liked to order might not be available anymore. the greeter/seater might have screwed up and you might have had to wait a while for your table. (however, if you're coming to a restaurant at 6:00pm on a friday, you're going to wait. sorry.) also, the seater may have just sat your server three different tables at once who all need the menu to be READ to them because the people sitting at those tables are all illiterate redneck assholes. your server might have other tables than you who are doing their damnedest to make her life a living hell. working in a restaurant is stressful, difficult and demanding. she did not cook your food. she did not write the menu. she did not see you come into the restaurant and she did not seat you at the table. HOWEVER: if your server is friendly, polite, understanding, and honest, you really need to consider leaving them at least 15%. if they are enthusiastic, helpful, accomodating, friendly, polite and efficient, you need to leave them 20% of your check. there is really no excuse for doing otherwise. you are not tipping the hostess, the cooks, the management or the bussers. you are tipping based on the service your server can provide you with given the things that are within her control.
It might take a little while for your drinks/salads/fifth helping of ranch dressing. it probably ISN'T because your sever has wandered off into another dimension to sit in a hot tub and drink daquiris. it's probably because she is running around in the back trying to get ice, glasses, bread, salad dressings, make coffee and tea, find and then talk to a manager about some kind of customer complaint, explain special customer directions to the cooks and help one of her other vastly incompetant employees because her boss is screaming at her to do so. her job kind of sucks. there are good points to the job, too, just as there are with yours. chances are, people don't walk into your job, act incredibley rude to you because they are otherwise having a bad day and then decide, based on how well you eat their shit, how much money you should make an hour.
speaking of hourly wages, lemme tell you something. SERVERS MAKE $2.83 AN HOUR. WE DO NOT GET RAISES. THERE IS NOT A CORPORATION THAT I AM AWARE OF IN BUTLER COUNTY THAT GIVES THEIR SERVERS RAISES. THERE ARE PEOPLE WORKING AT RED LOBSTER WHO HAVE WORKED THERE FOR 13 YEARS WHO MAKE $2.83 AN HOUR. JUST BECAUSE THE RESTAURANT APPEARS TO BE "NICER" DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY PAY THEIR SERVERS ANY MORE THAN THEY ARE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO. WE ALSO HAVE TO PAY TAXES ON OUR TIPS, WHETHER WE ACTUALLY RECIEVE THAT MONEY OR NOT. if you stiff me, or leave me less than 10%, I HAVE TO PAY TAXES ANYWAY. HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY FUCKING TAXES ON MONEY THAT YOU DIDN'T FUCKING MAKE!?!?!?!?!
also, parents: i realize that taking your kids out to eat is kind of a gamble. will they behave? will they not? will they eat? will they scream? who knows????? understandable. sometimes kids misbehave. sometimes, there's not a lot you can do. however, it is NOT YOUR SERVER'S JOB TO BABYSIT THEM WHILE YOU IGNORE THEM!!!!!!!! yes, it is your server's job to make sure you have everything you need for a comfortable meal. but when your kid HITS THE SERVER, THROWS BISCUTS, CRACKERS OR CRAYONS AT OTHER TABLES, OR SCREAMS FOR FIVE MINUTES OR MORE AT A TIME, IT IS YOUR FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY TO PARENT THAT GODDAMN HEATHEN THAT HAS SPRUNG FROM YOUR CROTCH! also, it's a restaurant. there are people who are in a very bit hurry carrying very heavy trays of VERY hot food/liquids and VERY breakable dishes. do NOT allow your child to run around the dining area like it's their own personal romper room. they could really get hurt or hurt someone else. and, really, be polite. your sever has got to clean up after your child has drawn all over the table and ground food into the carpet. if your kid does that, even if you don't clean it up, TIP 20%. NO EXCEPTIONS. the poor person who has had to wait on your child is also the one who has to clean up after them. Money makes the mess much MUCH easier to deal with.
and don't give me that shit about how "kids are expensive and we can't afford to tip well". then FUCKING EAT AT HOME! GO TO MCDONALDS! GO TO CICIS! YOUR BROKE ASS IS DIRECTLY CONTRIBUTING TO MY INABILITY TO PAY MY FUCKING BILLS! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE POOR DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO BE, TOO! (and i apologize to any employees of the above mentioned restaurants, but you don't have to live off of tips. i do. in that respect, your job is infinitely easier than mine). if you don't have the money to tip, then YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO GO OUT TO EAT. I'M SORRY. I CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT TO EAT, EITHER. YA KNOW WHY? CAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT ON FUCKS LIKE YOU!
bit of a side note: do not say you are ready to order if you are going to stare at the menu for thirty seconds and say "uuuhhhhhhhhh". you aren't ready. your server will come back. i swear. if you say you need a few more minutes and your server vaporizes from the planet, i will personally buy your dinner for your. if you have questions, please ask them. if your server is worth their salt they will be able to assist you or find someone who can. but if you just can't fucking decide between coconut shrimp and crab alfredo, there is nothing i can do for you. i will get your drinks and come back in a minute.
in closing, i realize that i am not perfect. i may ring in your order wrong. i may forget that you wanted cocktail sauce instead of tarter, and if i do any of those things, please accept my sincerest apologies. i will do everything in my power to make your dining experience the best it can be. your tips pay my bills. i genuinely WANT to make you very, very happy. if i do, please be courteous. gimme some money.
I just don't fucking get it. How the hell hard do I have to work to actualy make decent money? I swear to God, if I bust my ass waiting on one more table, bringing them more drinks than one person should drink in a day, boxing up their disgusting, mouthed-up leftovers, and I get five fucking dollars on a fifty dollar check ONE MORE TIME, I am going to hit someone in the face with a tray.
And incidentally, if you're reading this, here's a few things to keep in mind when you're considering your tip for your waitress: sometimes, the kitchen fucks up and your food takes a long time. your steak might not be done the way you think it should have been. menus change and the thing you liked to order might not be available anymore. the greeter/seater might have screwed up and you might have had to wait a while for your table. (however, if you're coming to a restaurant at 6:00pm on a friday, you're going to wait. sorry.) also, the seater may have just sat your server three different tables at once who all need the menu to be READ to them because the people sitting at those tables are all illiterate redneck assholes. your server might have other tables than you who are doing their damnedest to make her life a living hell. working in a restaurant is stressful, difficult and demanding. she did not cook your food. she did not write the menu. she did not see you come into the restaurant and she did not seat you at the table. HOWEVER: if your server is friendly, polite, understanding, and honest, you really need to consider leaving them at least 15%. if they are enthusiastic, helpful, accomodating, friendly, polite and efficient, you need to leave them 20% of your check. there is really no excuse for doing otherwise. you are not tipping the hostess, the cooks, the management or the bussers. you are tipping based on the service your server can provide you with given the things that are within her control.
It might take a little while for your drinks/salads/fifth helping of ranch dressing. it probably ISN'T because your sever has wandered off into another dimension to sit in a hot tub and drink daquiris. it's probably because she is running around in the back trying to get ice, glasses, bread, salad dressings, make coffee and tea, find and then talk to a manager about some kind of customer complaint, explain special customer directions to the cooks and help one of her other vastly incompetant employees because her boss is screaming at her to do so. her job kind of sucks. there are good points to the job, too, just as there are with yours. chances are, people don't walk into your job, act incredibley rude to you because they are otherwise having a bad day and then decide, based on how well you eat their shit, how much money you should make an hour.
speaking of hourly wages, lemme tell you something. SERVERS MAKE $2.83 AN HOUR. WE DO NOT GET RAISES. THERE IS NOT A CORPORATION THAT I AM AWARE OF IN BUTLER COUNTY THAT GIVES THEIR SERVERS RAISES. THERE ARE PEOPLE WORKING AT RED LOBSTER WHO HAVE WORKED THERE FOR 13 YEARS WHO MAKE $2.83 AN HOUR. JUST BECAUSE THE RESTAURANT APPEARS TO BE "NICER" DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY PAY THEIR SERVERS ANY MORE THAN THEY ARE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO. WE ALSO HAVE TO PAY TAXES ON OUR TIPS, WHETHER WE ACTUALLY RECIEVE THAT MONEY OR NOT. if you stiff me, or leave me less than 10%, I HAVE TO PAY TAXES ANYWAY. HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY FUCKING TAXES ON MONEY THAT YOU DIDN'T FUCKING MAKE!?!?!?!?!
also, parents: i realize that taking your kids out to eat is kind of a gamble. will they behave? will they not? will they eat? will they scream? who knows????? understandable. sometimes kids misbehave. sometimes, there's not a lot you can do. however, it is NOT YOUR SERVER'S JOB TO BABYSIT THEM WHILE YOU IGNORE THEM!!!!!!!! yes, it is your server's job to make sure you have everything you need for a comfortable meal. but when your kid HITS THE SERVER, THROWS BISCUTS, CRACKERS OR CRAYONS AT OTHER TABLES, OR SCREAMS FOR FIVE MINUTES OR MORE AT A TIME, IT IS YOUR FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY TO PARENT THAT GODDAMN HEATHEN THAT HAS SPRUNG FROM YOUR CROTCH! also, it's a restaurant. there are people who are in a very bit hurry carrying very heavy trays of VERY hot food/liquids and VERY breakable dishes. do NOT allow your child to run around the dining area like it's their own personal romper room. they could really get hurt or hurt someone else. and, really, be polite. your sever has got to clean up after your child has drawn all over the table and ground food into the carpet. if your kid does that, even if you don't clean it up, TIP 20%. NO EXCEPTIONS. the poor person who has had to wait on your child is also the one who has to clean up after them. Money makes the mess much MUCH easier to deal with.
and don't give me that shit about how "kids are expensive and we can't afford to tip well". then FUCKING EAT AT HOME! GO TO MCDONALDS! GO TO CICIS! YOUR BROKE ASS IS DIRECTLY CONTRIBUTING TO MY INABILITY TO PAY MY FUCKING BILLS! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE POOR DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO BE, TOO! (and i apologize to any employees of the above mentioned restaurants, but you don't have to live off of tips. i do. in that respect, your job is infinitely easier than mine). if you don't have the money to tip, then YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO GO OUT TO EAT. I'M SORRY. I CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT TO EAT, EITHER. YA KNOW WHY? CAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT ON FUCKS LIKE YOU!
bit of a side note: do not say you are ready to order if you are going to stare at the menu for thirty seconds and say "uuuhhhhhhhhh". you aren't ready. your server will come back. i swear. if you say you need a few more minutes and your server vaporizes from the planet, i will personally buy your dinner for your. if you have questions, please ask them. if your server is worth their salt they will be able to assist you or find someone who can. but if you just can't fucking decide between coconut shrimp and crab alfredo, there is nothing i can do for you. i will get your drinks and come back in a minute.
in closing, i realize that i am not perfect. i may ring in your order wrong. i may forget that you wanted cocktail sauce instead of tarter, and if i do any of those things, please accept my sincerest apologies. i will do everything in my power to make your dining experience the best it can be. your tips pay my bills. i genuinely WANT to make you very, very happy. if i do, please be courteous. gimme some money.