DeSpErAtE FoR AtTeNtIoN...SeArChInG FoR LoVe
As days go on, I'm beginning to wonder what I'm doing. Some days I seem to have a purpose, and others I'm just another faceless zombie walking around performing the same routine hour after hour per group of twenty-four. I update these journals... Some days with interesting tid-bits of information and others with random fact-oids that have happened during my day. The times when I seem to stutter jibberish are probably my faceless days. Other times, I completely ignore the fact that I have a place to vent my frustrations. By hurting others I can deny the hurt within myself. I wrote that in my planner back in September or whatever. I don't want to hurt others...I don't want to hurt myself - but some days its like I have nothing better to do. So I act cruel towards my peers...and I take a swim in a big pool of SELF LOATHING. Other days, nothing is bothering me and I'm a big fake ray of sunshine melting your precious snow. I wonder why people bother with me. Do they actually like me? Do they use me for whatever I can offer at the moment? Then I try and convince myself that they don't use me - and they actually care...but I trip on a parking block because I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and I wake up to that harsh fucking reality again. I'm jealous of those people who have someone to love them. I wish I had someone I could go to the mall with and hold their hand or just give them a hug and get a hug whenever I wanted. Alas, I don't have anyone like that. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. ::Sigh:: Even people I used to be so close with aren't in my life anymore...and it's just bringing about another day full of disappointments.