Its the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
Been AWHILE. Lots has happened. Car has broken down. Been fixed twice. Began a new and more grueling personal schedule of obligations to my job and family that leave me NO fuckaround time. THE most promiscuous couple months of my life, not in solicitation but in execution.
Very manic these days. Have Not forgotten to punish myself for everything. Have Not forgotten to allow myself to be punished by others.
I need a new job immediately. I am so comfortable in the misery of my current job that I am frightened to begin anew.
I will die if I do not change something soon.
I made some gutsier moves towards guys I liked, to no avail. Made myself obscenely accessible to guys that are decidedly beneath me- but narcissism is extremely inviting when you feel so low that talking about yourself would put you in tears. Had conversations with a promising guy for months, and have stopped now (I realize) because he has reconnected with his ex-GF. Thought long and hard about that one. Think he liked me more because I served as a great support, he didn't know me that well, and I really liked him, trusted him, a lot. Therefore I was overly attentive. Had an unfortunate night with a guy that I'd been flirting with for awhile. A LONG time. Someone I thought would really go for just about anyone (how charming). How could he make me feel bad? Ouch. Thought I trusted him a bit more.
I'm finally realizing that no former rules I've come up with about how people behave correlates to their character. Obviously I've proven the very same with MY OWN conduct. Not proud.
The final straw, I believe, is that I'm really not doing ANYTHING. Especially nothing that I'm proud of.
Weekend before last I did a couple of new things that I was so excited about, I PUSHED it on people in conversation. Awesome- Low self-esteem to overbearing naivete.
1. I have a REAL blue-collar background that I don't talk to anyone about. Oh please, I don't talk to anyone about anything. My mom was singing the national anthem at a stock-car race. Thought this might be a good time to support her, thought it would only be a couple hours. Watched both my 64yo uncle and 12yo cousin race like 20 other cars out on this dirt track. Totally AWESOME and new. I was actually unnerved by it, my shoulders were at my ears when I left. Too much adrenaline maybe. heh.
2. Blythe, Nan and I decided to take a day at the river. Decided instead to go to Rooster Rock. Got out there, walked through GROSS-smelling clay and sand-pelting winds and swam a bit in the tropically-blue water. Watched a bunch of wind-surfers and para-surfers too... that would be so awesome. Left after recognizing that we could NOT get a tan while being buried by sand. Went to Oxbow Park, somewhere I GUESS I had been a few times before when I was like 10. We were out by Troutdale ok, we ran into SEVEN people we knew. It was uncanny. Usually running into anyone I know at that sort of location means its a HUGE bust, but it went off ok. Great day.
Nothing was really exceptional about either of those days other than they were both NEW. And, I did not stop to 'reflect' or 'bash' on myself all day. I had something to tell people about. Fantastic. Telling people is also overrated though.
I just had my tonsils out and am recovering at an outstanding pace (said via post-op appointment). I haven't smoked in a little under a week. Have thought that this may be a perfect time to stop smoking altogether... Tooooooo bad I love smoking. Haven't decided. And I'll certainly not tell anyone when I do, because I can fail myself, but I won't fail anyone else.
I won't go into much more, like the environment that I'm in right now... whew, crazy as ever.
Very manic these days. Have Not forgotten to punish myself for everything. Have Not forgotten to allow myself to be punished by others.
I need a new job immediately. I am so comfortable in the misery of my current job that I am frightened to begin anew.
I will die if I do not change something soon.
I made some gutsier moves towards guys I liked, to no avail. Made myself obscenely accessible to guys that are decidedly beneath me- but narcissism is extremely inviting when you feel so low that talking about yourself would put you in tears. Had conversations with a promising guy for months, and have stopped now (I realize) because he has reconnected with his ex-GF. Thought long and hard about that one. Think he liked me more because I served as a great support, he didn't know me that well, and I really liked him, trusted him, a lot. Therefore I was overly attentive. Had an unfortunate night with a guy that I'd been flirting with for awhile. A LONG time. Someone I thought would really go for just about anyone (how charming). How could he make me feel bad? Ouch. Thought I trusted him a bit more.
I'm finally realizing that no former rules I've come up with about how people behave correlates to their character. Obviously I've proven the very same with MY OWN conduct. Not proud.
The final straw, I believe, is that I'm really not doing ANYTHING. Especially nothing that I'm proud of.
Weekend before last I did a couple of new things that I was so excited about, I PUSHED it on people in conversation. Awesome- Low self-esteem to overbearing naivete.
1. I have a REAL blue-collar background that I don't talk to anyone about. Oh please, I don't talk to anyone about anything. My mom was singing the national anthem at a stock-car race. Thought this might be a good time to support her, thought it would only be a couple hours. Watched both my 64yo uncle and 12yo cousin race like 20 other cars out on this dirt track. Totally AWESOME and new. I was actually unnerved by it, my shoulders were at my ears when I left. Too much adrenaline maybe. heh.
2. Blythe, Nan and I decided to take a day at the river. Decided instead to go to Rooster Rock. Got out there, walked through GROSS-smelling clay and sand-pelting winds and swam a bit in the tropically-blue water. Watched a bunch of wind-surfers and para-surfers too... that would be so awesome. Left after recognizing that we could NOT get a tan while being buried by sand. Went to Oxbow Park, somewhere I GUESS I had been a few times before when I was like 10. We were out by Troutdale ok, we ran into SEVEN people we knew. It was uncanny. Usually running into anyone I know at that sort of location means its a HUGE bust, but it went off ok. Great day.
Nothing was really exceptional about either of those days other than they were both NEW. And, I did not stop to 'reflect' or 'bash' on myself all day. I had something to tell people about. Fantastic. Telling people is also overrated though.
I just had my tonsils out and am recovering at an outstanding pace (said via post-op appointment). I haven't smoked in a little under a week. Have thought that this may be a perfect time to stop smoking altogether... Tooooooo bad I love smoking. Haven't decided. And I'll certainly not tell anyone when I do, because I can fail myself, but I won't fail anyone else.
I won't go into much more, like the environment that I'm in right now... whew, crazy as ever.