For me its like breathing...
Job: Mine sucks. Its boring to talk about and hear about. I'm still casually looking for another one. I'm really down for anything/everything. I find it hard to sell myself.
Family: I love my brother. Hes wildly impressionable and I still intend to have those very difficult yelling matches about what hes making of himself. These conversations happen about once a week. In some respects, its a family thing to show you care by extreme lash-outs... in all senses. My mom continues to confide in me all the dysfunctional nuances that is her seemingly life-defining marriage. My Grandma has started too. Sometimes I think to tell them, before you had a "husband" as the symbol, you felt empowered to do nothing else BUT get one. Hasn't that status success helped you to reach the other things you value your life for? Isn't this banter the routine of a self-victimized person? I own it too. Grandma has been talking to me a ton about the really dirty-laundry stuff.... the abusive, subversive and incarcerated parts of my family. The family I hold dear and never talk about. I'm so torn, I want to spend a ton of time with my cousins and get who they are now, because I only remember the sense I had of who they were. Gma and I cry a lot about it. Nan is great, I'll call her at work and act like an idiot... all fake-crying if I haven't talked to her all day. We are that needy, and its fun to be the one to show it.
Friends: CRAZY. My closest friend between 9-14yso, contacted my over MySpace. I could die. This girl was my "bad" friend. She and I did all kinds of crazy shit together, and we had so much in common. We both admired the things that most people our age thought were weird. We wanted to be artists, rock stars, drug addicts, muses, lesbians, psychics, sluts, grungey, vampires... adventurers. Almost every first that each other had, the other was witness and supportive to during that time. The friendship distanced in a weird way, I was doing sports and she was couch-surfing. She lived with my fam for a year or so... but couldn't let herself fit in, its a betrayal to have things work out that way. She started spreading rumors around with her "bad" crowd of friends... that I was talking shit. The confrontation didn't go well. She called me once, sophmore year of highschool and I freaked out then too. We were supposed to meet up. I waited by the phone, but no go. I can't wait to talk to her, from what I've read on her page... she hasn't changed. It opens up a few thoughts for me. I haven't changed either, ya know? I still wanna do everything I ever did. Shes brave, shes was always admirably brave.
I'm really glad that Beth and I are so close, we're real stability for each other. Neth is unreachable. Mandrew is in town. Lucy is awesome. Chris is in town to visit. I will NOT be friends with the people I work with... so this is close to it, I'm workin on loyalty and longevity.
Life: I've been crafting a lot. Its bad for the checkbook and good for the inspiration. I need to start making use of the things I already have. I'm finally getting my apartment where I want it. I LOVE IT! Except I can't seem to keep the office/vanity room tidy. It'll come, I'm adding decoration.... hehe, as if I'm gonna have an apartment party or something. Oh no no, just a series of romantic rendezvous. Thats what I aim for. yeah. Finances are getting so much better. I've finally come up with a plan. Not that a drastic change has happened yet, this month has been tiiiiiiiiight. Theres hope though. Lots of hope. I still smoke. I still really like it. Its like the tiny fraction of badass that works for me right now, I can't go dye my fucking hair, I can't have any piercings (FUCK I MISS THE FEW I HAD), visible tattoos, crazy-fun make-up or hair. I can't even wear cool accessories. NOT into it, mmk. I like the idea of the double-life, just trying to flesh out the possibilities for now. I'm actually looking forward to the darker weather, BLASPHEMER! I like nights to last longer when days are filled with work.
Life is good.
Time for shit to be real, right?
Family: I love my brother. Hes wildly impressionable and I still intend to have those very difficult yelling matches about what hes making of himself. These conversations happen about once a week. In some respects, its a family thing to show you care by extreme lash-outs... in all senses. My mom continues to confide in me all the dysfunctional nuances that is her seemingly life-defining marriage. My Grandma has started too. Sometimes I think to tell them, before you had a "husband" as the symbol, you felt empowered to do nothing else BUT get one. Hasn't that status success helped you to reach the other things you value your life for? Isn't this banter the routine of a self-victimized person? I own it too. Grandma has been talking to me a ton about the really dirty-laundry stuff.... the abusive, subversive and incarcerated parts of my family. The family I hold dear and never talk about. I'm so torn, I want to spend a ton of time with my cousins and get who they are now, because I only remember the sense I had of who they were. Gma and I cry a lot about it. Nan is great, I'll call her at work and act like an idiot... all fake-crying if I haven't talked to her all day. We are that needy, and its fun to be the one to show it.
Friends: CRAZY. My closest friend between 9-14yso, contacted my over MySpace. I could die. This girl was my "bad" friend. She and I did all kinds of crazy shit together, and we had so much in common. We both admired the things that most people our age thought were weird. We wanted to be artists, rock stars, drug addicts, muses, lesbians, psychics, sluts, grungey, vampires... adventurers. Almost every first that each other had, the other was witness and supportive to during that time. The friendship distanced in a weird way, I was doing sports and she was couch-surfing. She lived with my fam for a year or so... but couldn't let herself fit in, its a betrayal to have things work out that way. She started spreading rumors around with her "bad" crowd of friends... that I was talking shit. The confrontation didn't go well. She called me once, sophmore year of highschool and I freaked out then too. We were supposed to meet up. I waited by the phone, but no go. I can't wait to talk to her, from what I've read on her page... she hasn't changed. It opens up a few thoughts for me. I haven't changed either, ya know? I still wanna do everything I ever did. Shes brave, shes was always admirably brave.
I'm really glad that Beth and I are so close, we're real stability for each other. Neth is unreachable. Mandrew is in town. Lucy is awesome. Chris is in town to visit. I will NOT be friends with the people I work with... so this is close to it, I'm workin on loyalty and longevity.
Life: I've been crafting a lot. Its bad for the checkbook and good for the inspiration. I need to start making use of the things I already have. I'm finally getting my apartment where I want it. I LOVE IT! Except I can't seem to keep the office/vanity room tidy. It'll come, I'm adding decoration.... hehe, as if I'm gonna have an apartment party or something. Oh no no, just a series of romantic rendezvous. Thats what I aim for. yeah. Finances are getting so much better. I've finally come up with a plan. Not that a drastic change has happened yet, this month has been tiiiiiiiiight. Theres hope though. Lots of hope. I still smoke. I still really like it. Its like the tiny fraction of badass that works for me right now, I can't go dye my fucking hair, I can't have any piercings (FUCK I MISS THE FEW I HAD), visible tattoos, crazy-fun make-up or hair. I can't even wear cool accessories. NOT into it, mmk. I like the idea of the double-life, just trying to flesh out the possibilities for now. I'm actually looking forward to the darker weather, BLASPHEMER! I like nights to last longer when days are filled with work.
Life is good.
Time for shit to be real, right?