The Trouble With Americans...: Chapter 7
Title: The Trouble With Americans...
Fandom: Hetalia
Pairings/Characters: Kiku, Alfred, Feliciano, Feliks
Rating: PG
Warnings: offensive stereotyping, racial humor, offensive ethnic jokes, profanity, and generally Alfred just being an ignorant American.
Summary: Highschool AU. The exploration of the strange friendship between a studious Japanese boy and a rowdy, loud-mouthed blond American. Pre-slash. Eventual Alfred/Kiku
Chapter 1: Ethnicity
Chapter 2: Disipline
Chapter 3: Math
Chapter 4: BDSM
Chapter 5: Female
Chapter 6: No homo
The Trouble With Americans...
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7. geography:
School subject that Americans only learn during times of war.
Average Non-American Geography Inspecting Person: Sir/Madam, can you point out your country on this map of North America?
Average American: Er...there are other countries in North America?
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For someone who claimed they hated Algebra, Alfred was ridiculously good at it.
“You need help?” Alfred offered, swiping a stray piece of blond hair out of his ridiculously blue eyes. Americans and Europeans were so lucky with the variations their eye-color offered. Kiku had always found the dull blacks and browns of Japanese eyes incredibly, well...dull.
“No thank you,” Kiku mumbled into his paper. He certainly wasn't jealous. Sure, Alfred had finished the problems a little earlier than him, but that was fine-in fact-that was good. Alfred needed a boost in his grade a hell of a lot more than Kiku did. He certainly wasn't bitter about it.
“Are you sure-”
“Quite.”
Alfred quieted. As the moments ticked by in silence, Kiku began feeling something akin to guilt. Hunching his shoulders and sighing, he turned to Alfred.
“I apologize for snapping, it's just-”
“So you think that new kid's gay?” Alfred asked overtop of Kiku's sentence. So apparently he hadn't hurt Alfred's feelings at all. Perhaps it was simply hard to hurt a person's feelings when they had the attention span of a goldfish.
Kiku shrugged. “I don't know, I don't concern myself with the affairs of others.”
Alfred rolled his eyes and lowered his voice to a whisper.
“But that doesn't bother you? What if he's like, a complete queer?” Kiku wasn't sure which direction Alfred was trying to steer this conversation, but he wasn't feeling inclined to end up lost in the Brokeback mountains of homosexuality.
“Why would that bother me?” Kiku finally asked, intrigued. In Japan, homosexuality wasn't so much as accepted as it was ignored. If anything, you “shamed” your family, no grandkids and all that. Your peers?-they just tended to look the other way.
“Well what if he checks you out or something?” Kiku arched an eyebrow. Was that even a serious question?
“Don't you look at girls?”
“Yeah but-”
“Well it's the same. Either way, it doesn't concern us.” Kiku attempted to get back to work and down to business. Alfred was ahead of him, after all.
“Yeah, but that's not natural. Guys are supposed to check girls out.” Kiku managed not to roll his eyes.
“Lots of things aren't natural, but we still accept them.” Alfred scoffed.
“Like what?”
“Like microwaves,” Kiku said simply. The list was endless. Besides, why did it matter whether it was natural or unnatural or genetic or a choice or a disease that you got from eating too many baked potatoes? Alfred wasn't gay, Kiku wasn't gay, and so it didn't matter. It wasn't their business.
“Look, that doesn't count! We need microwaves to survive! Being gay is like, I don't know-there's just something wrong with it! Look at him, he looks like a girl!” Alfred pointed past him at the blond-haired boy and Kiku quickly pushed his hand away.
“You didn't have a problem with it yesterday.”
“I didn't know he was a boy yesterday-I already said no homo!”
“Ah, of course.”
They lapsed into silence again, and Kiku wondered if Feliks and Feliciano had overheard the entire thing. They did sit just two seats over. Kiku could certainly hear their conversation with crystal-clear clarity. Before Kiku could stop himself from listening, it was already too late.
“Does it hurt?” Feliciano asked the blond, looking nervous and concerned.
Feliks shrugged. “I-d-k, I've never done it before. I like, almost did it with this one guy one time-but he ended up just giving me a blowjob and then I was totes too tired afterwards.”
Feliciano's eyes widened, and Feliks delivered a haughty smirk.
“So how far have you gotten?”
Kiku didn't want to find out. As quickly as possible he engrossed himself in his math worksheet. Just what was wrong with those two? Didn't they understand that certain conversational topics were better left private? Hell, some things were better left not uttered out loud at all! Well, at lest Alfred wouldn't bother him with useless questions anymore. The answer was fairly obvious.
An insistent tap at his shoulder made him think otherwise.
“Kiku!” Alfred whispered insistently. “I think Feliks is gay.” Kiku wanted to turn to him and say, no shit sherlock-however, Kiku wasn't especially fond of profanity, and especially not in a school setting.
“Imagine that,” Kiku said quietly instead. Next Captain obvious would be alerting him that the sky was blue and that Americans were bad at geography.
Alfred jabbed him with his elbow again. “Do you think it's 'cause he's from San Francisco?” Kiku shrugged, and cringed when Alfred nudged him again. What could he possibly want now?
“Where's that even at anyways?” Alfred asked, curious expression completely genuine. “It's in California, right?”
No Alfred, he wanted to say, it's off the coast of Brazil. He didn't, however, because the last thing Kiku wanted was to teach Alfred just where Brazil was-much less it's coast. Kiku slumped against his desk in resignation instead.
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Chapter 8: Like
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