Denial
Denial is a funny thing. The way our minds have the ability to convince us that things are the complete opposite of what they actually are is an even funnier thing. I am completely okay with the fact that you are concerned enough to point out every single flaw in my life and force me to realize the truth. Believe it or not, I am actually grateful. Because everyone else? They tell me what I want to hear or sugar coat things that might not be so pleasant. Everyone is so afraid to upset the delicate balance that I have been precariously hanging onto since Ryan and my grandmother passed away at the same time. You weren't around for that so you have no clue just what kind of shape I was in. I wasn't lying when I said I don't remember the month of June. I remember bits and pieces, but my brain has managed to repress an entire month of time that I was completely conscious for. What kind of state do you think a person needs to be in in order to be able to repress that much time consecutively?
I have been told that I am not the same person anymore, that my walls are back up and stronger than ever. That isn't something that I have been unaware of. Everything changed the day my world came crashing down around me. Everything about who I used to be shattered the minute I stepped out of the car and collapsed in the driveway. So, they are completely correct in their observation that I am not the same person. Of course I'm not. Was I really expected to be? You haven't seen me in two entire years. Did you honestly think that I was going to be exactly the same? The better question is did you honestly think that I was happy when I was in college? I'm really not that good of an actress. Maybe if you would have opened your eyes you would have seen that I was just as scared as you were. Probably more. At that point I had recently gotten out of a completely dreadful relationship that altered me in every way possible. It was controlling, emotionally abusive, and physically draining. I was just starting to trust people again. Take a few risks. And you walked away from it. I don't fault you for your reasoning. I fault you for not telling me. For making me wonder. And worry. And stress out about it. And now, I'm doing the same exact thing. Wondering, worrying, and stressing out over you. Over whether or not you still want to remain in my life after last night's conversation. It didn't exactly end on a pleasant note and I think part of that may be because you did not like what I had to say when I removed the wool from your eyes in return. I'm just as concerned about you as you are about me.
You told me I am making excuses for him. You did the same exact thing when I called your relationship into question. You made excuses for yourself and excuses for her and justifications that are only necessary when a person is trying to convince themselves that this is what they want. I have gotten quite good at making those justifications. The only difference is that now I am attempting to do something about it. If you don't like your situation, change it. That is what I am doing.
In a way, I should thank you. I stopped writing because I was lacking the raw emotion that used to fuel my words. I have found that raw emotion lurking beneath the surface of this very confusing situation. And if you wouldn't have opened my eyes, I wouldn't have found that emotion again. So, thank you for giving me back the desire and the ability to express myself in writing again.
But, this situation needs to be settled. I literally worried myself sick this afternoon. I couldn't concentrate, barely function, and I got no sleep last night. Even my boss thought that it was a little strange that I kept having to use the restroom so I could puke up the contents of my stomach. He started wondering if I was pregnant. I'm not by the way. But when my emotions consume me to the point of not being able to function something needs to be done. So we need to talk about this. If you ever cared at all, you will at least give me that.
I have been told that I am not the same person anymore, that my walls are back up and stronger than ever. That isn't something that I have been unaware of. Everything changed the day my world came crashing down around me. Everything about who I used to be shattered the minute I stepped out of the car and collapsed in the driveway. So, they are completely correct in their observation that I am not the same person. Of course I'm not. Was I really expected to be? You haven't seen me in two entire years. Did you honestly think that I was going to be exactly the same? The better question is did you honestly think that I was happy when I was in college? I'm really not that good of an actress. Maybe if you would have opened your eyes you would have seen that I was just as scared as you were. Probably more. At that point I had recently gotten out of a completely dreadful relationship that altered me in every way possible. It was controlling, emotionally abusive, and physically draining. I was just starting to trust people again. Take a few risks. And you walked away from it. I don't fault you for your reasoning. I fault you for not telling me. For making me wonder. And worry. And stress out about it. And now, I'm doing the same exact thing. Wondering, worrying, and stressing out over you. Over whether or not you still want to remain in my life after last night's conversation. It didn't exactly end on a pleasant note and I think part of that may be because you did not like what I had to say when I removed the wool from your eyes in return. I'm just as concerned about you as you are about me.
You told me I am making excuses for him. You did the same exact thing when I called your relationship into question. You made excuses for yourself and excuses for her and justifications that are only necessary when a person is trying to convince themselves that this is what they want. I have gotten quite good at making those justifications. The only difference is that now I am attempting to do something about it. If you don't like your situation, change it. That is what I am doing.
In a way, I should thank you. I stopped writing because I was lacking the raw emotion that used to fuel my words. I have found that raw emotion lurking beneath the surface of this very confusing situation. And if you wouldn't have opened my eyes, I wouldn't have found that emotion again. So, thank you for giving me back the desire and the ability to express myself in writing again.
But, this situation needs to be settled. I literally worried myself sick this afternoon. I couldn't concentrate, barely function, and I got no sleep last night. Even my boss thought that it was a little strange that I kept having to use the restroom so I could puke up the contents of my stomach. He started wondering if I was pregnant. I'm not by the way. But when my emotions consume me to the point of not being able to function something needs to be done. So we need to talk about this. If you ever cared at all, you will at least give me that.