Some thoughts and feelings.
I need to write out a few things, and I know that I could definately use some prayer supposrt from my friends. I will put in what I can and if you want more details then please let me know.
Ok.. so where do I start? I am by far not just trying to sit here and say woe is me so please do not think that this is my mentality. I do not mean for that to be what comes across. I am trying to figure out my life right now, and everything in it. I want to make changes to it. I would appriciate prayer from my friends during this time, also if any of you have suggestions I will take those too. I just feel like there is so much going on that I feel like I am going to explode.
The first place that I want to start is that I am really struggling with my relationship with God. I feel that I am super angry with him for different things in my life. I am not sure why he allowed them to happen. I know that God is God and there are reasons for everything but I question alot of the things that he has allowed. I keep thinking that for some reason he is allowing these things becasue it is punishment for something horrible that I have done... except I am not sure what I did. I mean I am human and I have made pleanty of my own mistakes. I don't want to be angry with God cause I know that it is hurting my relationship with him. I want to be a Christian, with childlike faith. I want to depend on God and have the faith that I need to.. and to beable to just give up the control that I have on my own life, cause as I keep looking at my life I am kinda sucking at driving it. Does anyone have any suggestions or experience with this that they can pass on to me. I would really appriciate it. I guess this is one area that I could really use the prayer in. I want a good relationship with God, and I am not sure how to get there.
Next... I am really frusterated with my life. I want so much more than where I am. I want to make something of myself. I think that I am super afraid of becoming like my mother. I know that sounds bad, but I do not want to put my kids or myself through that. I do not want to have to be worried about where the next meal is going to come from. I have always had big dreams, and I am sure that God did not give them to me for no reason.. but right now from where I sit things look kinda hopeless. I am not really sure where to go from here. How to get from point A to point B. I would love to go back to school. I would love to put out a CD. I do not have the money to go back to school and I can not get a student loan because of my sick leave.. now they are in collections and I have not got the 13000 that they want. I am sure that some how God will work things out they way that they should be but it is hard believing in that. This ties in to the first thing that I wrote about. I guess another part of my frusteration is because I feel like God has given me this passion to sing, but every time I try to sing on stage I freak and I can't sing worth beans. Though when I am just hanging out or whatever I can do it just fine. I really want to make music. I want to sing songs that people can relate to, they will touch them, that they can hear and think you know things might just be ok, or feel some sort of hope or encouragement. Something. That they can know that they are not alone. I want to be a voice for people who can' talways express what they are feeling but can hear a song and say that is it, that is what I am going through. I want a bigger avenue to help people than what I have got. I am not sure why this is such a big thing for me, but it is.. it is the biggest thing in my heart right now, but my stupid stage fright is getting in the way.
That is what is going on with me specifically.. in terms of my family which can use lots of prayer things are a disaster. My mom and my step dad have officially broken up (again for those of you who know me). My step-dad has aparently cheated on my mom. Mom is super upset ( as I can imagine she would be). My mom is going through a hard time with all of this going on, and she keeps looking to me for support but I do not feel that I can do that for her. I feel like it is more than I can handle and what not, but she keeps telling me that she has no one else so it leaves me feeling super bad, and so I am there. During all of this I am also dealing with my sister who is pregnant again with her third child, and has been having my step-dad living with her, and then invited his new girlfriend to live with them as well. So my mother and my sister are spatting at each other cause my mother does not feel that my sister is being very fair to her. I keep getting both ends and I am not really sure what to do, but I am finding this so stressful. I just want some peace in my family. I just want everyone to be happy. I just want my family to be a family for once just to really be a family. It is really hurting me seeing my family go through all of this and not knowing what to do.
I just want to figure things out.. I really want to see life going in a better direction but it seems like everything keeps comming at me at once.Anyways I am just posting this right now cause I need a place to write this out so I can try to work it out.
Rivkah
Rivkah
Ok.. so where do I start? I am by far not just trying to sit here and say woe is me so please do not think that this is my mentality. I do not mean for that to be what comes across. I am trying to figure out my life right now, and everything in it. I want to make changes to it. I would appriciate prayer from my friends during this time, also if any of you have suggestions I will take those too. I just feel like there is so much going on that I feel like I am going to explode.
The first place that I want to start is that I am really struggling with my relationship with God. I feel that I am super angry with him for different things in my life. I am not sure why he allowed them to happen. I know that God is God and there are reasons for everything but I question alot of the things that he has allowed. I keep thinking that for some reason he is allowing these things becasue it is punishment for something horrible that I have done... except I am not sure what I did. I mean I am human and I have made pleanty of my own mistakes. I don't want to be angry with God cause I know that it is hurting my relationship with him. I want to be a Christian, with childlike faith. I want to depend on God and have the faith that I need to.. and to beable to just give up the control that I have on my own life, cause as I keep looking at my life I am kinda sucking at driving it. Does anyone have any suggestions or experience with this that they can pass on to me. I would really appriciate it. I guess this is one area that I could really use the prayer in. I want a good relationship with God, and I am not sure how to get there.
Next... I am really frusterated with my life. I want so much more than where I am. I want to make something of myself. I think that I am super afraid of becoming like my mother. I know that sounds bad, but I do not want to put my kids or myself through that. I do not want to have to be worried about where the next meal is going to come from. I have always had big dreams, and I am sure that God did not give them to me for no reason.. but right now from where I sit things look kinda hopeless. I am not really sure where to go from here. How to get from point A to point B. I would love to go back to school. I would love to put out a CD. I do not have the money to go back to school and I can not get a student loan because of my sick leave.. now they are in collections and I have not got the 13000 that they want. I am sure that some how God will work things out they way that they should be but it is hard believing in that. This ties in to the first thing that I wrote about. I guess another part of my frusteration is because I feel like God has given me this passion to sing, but every time I try to sing on stage I freak and I can't sing worth beans. Though when I am just hanging out or whatever I can do it just fine. I really want to make music. I want to sing songs that people can relate to, they will touch them, that they can hear and think you know things might just be ok, or feel some sort of hope or encouragement. Something. That they can know that they are not alone. I want to be a voice for people who can' talways express what they are feeling but can hear a song and say that is it, that is what I am going through. I want a bigger avenue to help people than what I have got. I am not sure why this is such a big thing for me, but it is.. it is the biggest thing in my heart right now, but my stupid stage fright is getting in the way.
That is what is going on with me specifically.. in terms of my family which can use lots of prayer things are a disaster. My mom and my step dad have officially broken up (again for those of you who know me). My step-dad has aparently cheated on my mom. Mom is super upset ( as I can imagine she would be). My mom is going through a hard time with all of this going on, and she keeps looking to me for support but I do not feel that I can do that for her. I feel like it is more than I can handle and what not, but she keeps telling me that she has no one else so it leaves me feeling super bad, and so I am there. During all of this I am also dealing with my sister who is pregnant again with her third child, and has been having my step-dad living with her, and then invited his new girlfriend to live with them as well. So my mother and my sister are spatting at each other cause my mother does not feel that my sister is being very fair to her. I keep getting both ends and I am not really sure what to do, but I am finding this so stressful. I just want some peace in my family. I just want everyone to be happy. I just want my family to be a family for once just to really be a family. It is really hurting me seeing my family go through all of this and not knowing what to do.
I just want to figure things out.. I really want to see life going in a better direction but it seems like everything keeps comming at me at once.Anyways I am just posting this right now cause I need a place to write this out so I can try to work it out.
Rivkah
Rivkah