(no subject)
i feel really depressed today... and although i've resisted the temptation to throw in the towel and binge, i still feel pretty bad... it's the crying constantly and not eating genre (see earlier entries for further explanation).
i've been virtually starving myself all week, and my clothes still don't fit properly. i was supposed to go watch a movie, but i decided not to because i feel so hideous. i hate myself so much right now, i feel like i'm a walking pack of lies and that if i go out everyone will see me for the facade that i really am. i don't know who i am anymore, because i'm so used to being what everyone else wants me to be...i just wana hide forever, i just wana close my eyes and sleep for at least a decade... longer if possible; forever would be perfect.
i've felt today like i wanted to kill myself, and i haven't felt this strongly about it in a long time. i know it's not right for me to feel like this, and i know that i woulda done it if i had the guts... but's that the problem, i'm afraid of everything, even myself. i feel like there's nothing in my life anymore... it's empty and i'm empty, and i'm so tired. i used to have an answer for everything, but now i'm clueless... that's why i'm afraid, and i'm so lost, because i just don't know anything anymore. i don't have a boyfriend, i don't have any real friends, i'm fat, i don't get along with my family, i'm failing my course at university, i don't have a job, i don't have any money, i don't have a license, i don't have any talents or special qualities... i've searched long and hard, and i've tried my best, but i think i really am just an empty vessel... a whole mass of nothing and a complete waste of a human being. i feel like i'm just floating... i don't belong anywhere and i don't seem to go anywhere. it actually makes sense to just end it all right now. i wana do it, because it seems so simple and so obvious. i can't do it because i'm already having a problem dealing with the unknown in reality, and i dunno what it's gona be like after that. i'm a bloody walking contradiction, i make everything so complicated because i think too much. if i had a heart, it would probably wanna explode right now because it's overwhelmed by just about everything.
i can't let myself binge when i'm like this, because that really would just push me over the edge i think. my mind must be stronger if i haven't binged right??? or maybe this is a different phrase of my depression...? maybe i should go on antidepressants/ but i can't let my mom find out i'm taking them... maybe i should just make preparations to leave...? sort out debts, bills etc... no point in writing a will, i have nothing. maybe i could say that my coffin should be made from the wood from my piano? maybe i want my ashes to be scattered in places in the world that i never got to go to? i don't know anything anymore. i'm floating but sinking into this dark nothing. i think i really am just crazy.
i've been virtually starving myself all week, and my clothes still don't fit properly. i was supposed to go watch a movie, but i decided not to because i feel so hideous. i hate myself so much right now, i feel like i'm a walking pack of lies and that if i go out everyone will see me for the facade that i really am. i don't know who i am anymore, because i'm so used to being what everyone else wants me to be...i just wana hide forever, i just wana close my eyes and sleep for at least a decade... longer if possible; forever would be perfect.
i've felt today like i wanted to kill myself, and i haven't felt this strongly about it in a long time. i know it's not right for me to feel like this, and i know that i woulda done it if i had the guts... but's that the problem, i'm afraid of everything, even myself. i feel like there's nothing in my life anymore... it's empty and i'm empty, and i'm so tired. i used to have an answer for everything, but now i'm clueless... that's why i'm afraid, and i'm so lost, because i just don't know anything anymore. i don't have a boyfriend, i don't have any real friends, i'm fat, i don't get along with my family, i'm failing my course at university, i don't have a job, i don't have any money, i don't have a license, i don't have any talents or special qualities... i've searched long and hard, and i've tried my best, but i think i really am just an empty vessel... a whole mass of nothing and a complete waste of a human being. i feel like i'm just floating... i don't belong anywhere and i don't seem to go anywhere. it actually makes sense to just end it all right now. i wana do it, because it seems so simple and so obvious. i can't do it because i'm already having a problem dealing with the unknown in reality, and i dunno what it's gona be like after that. i'm a bloody walking contradiction, i make everything so complicated because i think too much. if i had a heart, it would probably wanna explode right now because it's overwhelmed by just about everything.
i can't let myself binge when i'm like this, because that really would just push me over the edge i think. my mind must be stronger if i haven't binged right??? or maybe this is a different phrase of my depression...? maybe i should go on antidepressants/ but i can't let my mom find out i'm taking them... maybe i should just make preparations to leave...? sort out debts, bills etc... no point in writing a will, i have nothing. maybe i could say that my coffin should be made from the wood from my piano? maybe i want my ashes to be scattered in places in the world that i never got to go to? i don't know anything anymore. i'm floating but sinking into this dark nothing. i think i really am just crazy.