My Worth, my journeysweet_n_fluffyDecember 1 2005, 20:32:24 UTC
I am not worth forgiveness. Just like I was not worth sticking by when times got bad.
I apologized to my ex for the pain that my LJ caused him. But he has not apologized for every time he left me completely alone (which was numerous times, but mostly from February-October). It wasn't like he was never there. But, when I NEEDED him most, when I asked him-begged him... he would leave me alone with no one to turn to. How many times I cried alone…
But I was not worth it then. Just like I am not worth an apology now.
I guess I should thank him for pointing out the obvious. All I was asking for was to be held. Like a stupid 5 year old. He said, instead of holding me, that so many people in the world would trade places with me. Millions of people. It was then I realized that this was not the bottom. It was only going to get worse.
In health updates, I am clean of HPV. But it has already done its damage. My cervix (and possibly spreading elsewhere) is covered with cancerous lesions. This was discovered only by a hand examination. I told the doc not to put it in my files. I need to show that I don’t have a pre-existing medical condition (cancer). Otherwise my life insurance wont go through. My insurance says in 2 years I can kill myself and still be covered. That simple fact is the only thing that gets me through my day. They want to start hacking out my insides. I am stopping all medical treatments, but still going to the gym to manage my deeper sinking depression.
My ex only calls/emails if he wants something: graphics, T-shirts, questions about mattress payments or sex. I guess my worth is at least good enough for those things. I should be thankful I am even worth anything to him now.
I wish I was worth an apology from him. How many times he left me-alone to cry. But I am not worth that.
But at least I know all of this now. I can kill myself when the time comes with at least my affairs in order. I think my new awareness of life can be summed up in a little conversation with a friend of mine:
Me: I feel like I am sinking Friend: because you haven't found the bottom Me: I don’t want to find the bottom Friend: None of us do Me: but I know it exists and that is enough
Thank you ex, for showing a foolish girl that the bottom does exist. I wont have to ever hit it now that you have shown me this path. I will always love you despite me not being worthy of your affection. Know that any pain I caused you was in defense, so I would not be continued to be hurt by you. I never wanted to hurt you. It actually pained me to hurt you. I was trying to protect myself from the unbearable pain you caused me--over and over again. My bog was a place I could just try to flush the pain you inflicted on me out of my system. I love you.
Thank you to all my friends, both on here and in the real world. Know that I will be happier when I am gone and I see you all so desperately trying to help me. I don’t want to feel the all consuming love like I am now (and have been) feeling for my ex. I don’t want to feel that dependant, helpless and worthless ever again. And I don’t want any of the other stuff that my ex so wisely pointed out is “out there”. I have reached a new “level of self awareness”. I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it will be hard, but be happy for me once I have reached it.
Rediscoveredsweet_n_fluffyDecember 12 2005, 06:18:25 UTC
I forgot, after I was raped back in highschool, I began throwing up in the shower. I remember that year prior was when I began throwing up, I remember it was on my brother's birthday. I got in trouble and remember throwing up what I had eaten of his Carvel cake.
But after the rape, that very day, I stripped and showered. Just like you see in those cheesy lifetime made for TV movies. But I remember thrwoing up in the shower. It felt so good. It made me feel so much better. The water was cleansing me and I was cleansing my insides.
For some reason I had blocked this out. This ritual of shower barfing that made me feel so good. I rediscovered it this Friday. I have been thrwoing up since the October. Notthat it has helped my weight. BUt i think the excessive drinking has been countering that. I have cut out the booze and pills and rediscovered this beautiful form of release.
The vomit spallter in the tub. It reminds me of those Indian ink art pieces. The water runs over my body. I can stand while I vmoit, which is an exhilerating feeling in itself. I always feel like I am begging when I am crouched over the toilet. The vomit is rinsed off my body. I am less likely to vomit through my nose (it REALLY hurts having chunks of food coem through your nose...worse than the stomach acid burning your throat).
And instead of purging unwanted meals, I am actually binging then purging. I never used to binge. Just used the vomiting to help control my hunger, make my body think that it ate.
I dont know how long my body will hold out until my esophogus rupters again. I have to be careful. This is my thing. I dont want people taking it away from me. I feel it is the last self dignity that I have. My own private release that no one else can take. It helps me when I crash.
If any bulimics have tips on how to stop teh throat burning, let me know. I usually try to chase with a base (to help neutralize the acid) like a milk or gargle some mylanta. Any suggestions on how not to throw up through the nose. They cause me at least to smell my own vomit the whoel day and at worst nose bleeds. Standing up (not bending over) does not seem to help much. Or any other trick of the trade you want to share are welcome.
I apologized to my ex for the pain that my LJ caused him. But he has not apologized for every time he left me completely alone (which was numerous times, but mostly from February-October). It wasn't like he was never there. But, when I NEEDED him most, when I asked him-begged him... he would leave me alone with no one to turn to. How many times I cried alone…
But I was not worth it then. Just like I am not worth an apology now.
I guess I should thank him for pointing out the obvious. All I was asking for was to be held. Like a stupid 5 year old. He said, instead of holding me, that so many people in the world would trade places with me. Millions of people. It was then I realized that this was not the bottom. It was only going to get worse.
In health updates, I am clean of HPV. But it has already done its damage. My cervix (and possibly spreading elsewhere) is covered with cancerous lesions. This was discovered only by a hand examination. I told the doc not to put it in my files. I need to show that I don’t have a pre-existing medical condition (cancer). Otherwise my life insurance wont go through. My insurance says in 2 years I can kill myself and still be covered. That simple fact is the only thing that gets me through my day. They want to start hacking out my insides. I am stopping all medical treatments, but still going to the gym to manage my deeper sinking depression.
My ex only calls/emails if he wants something: graphics, T-shirts, questions about mattress payments or sex. I guess my worth is at least good enough for those things. I should be thankful I am even worth anything to him now.
I wish I was worth an apology from him. How many times he left me-alone to cry. But I am not worth that.
But at least I know all of this now. I can kill myself when the time comes with at least my affairs in order. I think my new awareness of life can be summed up in a little conversation with a friend of mine:
Me: I feel like I am sinking
Friend: because you haven't found the bottom
Me: I don’t want to find the bottom
Friend: None of us do
Me: but I know it exists and that is enough
Thank you ex, for showing a foolish girl that the bottom does exist. I wont have to ever hit it now that you have shown me this path. I will always love you despite me not being worthy of your affection. Know that any pain I caused you was in defense, so I would not be continued to be hurt by you. I never wanted to hurt you. It actually pained me to hurt you. I was trying to protect myself from the unbearable pain you caused me--over and over again. My bog was a place I could just try to flush the pain you inflicted on me out of my system. I love you.
Thank you to all my friends, both on here and in the real world. Know that I will be happier when I am gone and I see you all so desperately trying to help me. I don’t want to feel the all consuming love like I am now (and have been) feeling for my ex. I don’t want to feel that dependant, helpless and worthless ever again. And I don’t want any of the other stuff that my ex so wisely pointed out is “out there”. I have reached a new “level of self awareness”. I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it will be hard, but be happy for me once I have reached it.
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But after the rape, that very day, I stripped and showered. Just like you see in those cheesy lifetime made for TV movies. But I remember thrwoing up in the shower. It felt so good. It made me feel so much better. The water was cleansing me and I was cleansing my insides.
For some reason I had blocked this out. This ritual of shower barfing that made me feel so good. I rediscovered it this Friday. I have been thrwoing up since the October. Notthat it has helped my weight. BUt i think the excessive drinking has been countering that. I have cut out the booze and pills and rediscovered this beautiful form of release.
The vomit spallter in the tub. It reminds me of those Indian ink art pieces. The water runs over my body. I can stand while I vmoit, which is an exhilerating feeling in itself. I always feel like I am begging when I am crouched over the toilet. The vomit is rinsed off my body. I am less likely to vomit through my nose (it REALLY hurts having chunks of food coem through your nose...worse than the stomach acid burning your throat).
And instead of purging unwanted meals, I am actually binging then purging. I never used to binge. Just used the vomiting to help control my hunger, make my body think that it ate.
I dont know how long my body will hold out until my esophogus rupters again. I have to be careful. This is my thing. I dont want people taking it away from me. I feel it is the last self dignity that I have. My own private release that no one else can take. It helps me when I crash.
If any bulimics have tips on how to stop teh throat burning, let me know. I usually try to chase with a base (to help neutralize the acid) like a milk or gargle some mylanta. Any suggestions on how not to throw up through the nose. They cause me at least to smell my own vomit the whoel day and at worst nose bleeds. Standing up (not bending over) does not seem to help much. Or any other trick of the trade you want to share are welcome.
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