(no subject)
I called him because i felt bad about how i had acted. I knew i had been the one being unreasonable in that particular moment, but in that particular moment i felt i deserved to be unreasonable. A position i deserved in return for how unreasonable he had been to me for the last couple of months. Also i felt provoked, he had asked the question. The worst question a dumper can ever ask a dumpee.
"Did you think we were gonna be together forever or something?"
"Well I was hoping for it, yes!"
And that's when i got mean because i knew he was right. I was grasping at straws and had been for the bulk of our relationship. We were a good fit in some ways but the incompatible parts were just too incompatible.
I called as soon as i got out of work.
"hello?"
"hey its jenn"
"yep"
"I'm really sorry for the way things went yesterday, I didn't mean to turn it into a fight"
"Really? You didn't mean to fight? You called me weak and told me i never loved you", he was angry and didn't want my apology.
"I know. I was wrong. I wasn't being fair. I just don't want things to end badly."
"Well that's how they're gonna end because i am not having another discussion about any of this."
"Look, when i woke up this morning, after crying all night and had all day at work to think, i realized, we don't have to fight. Getting into arguments is a choice. We don't have to communicate to one another like that anymore. The relationship is over, I get it, I don't want to argue."
"Are you done? Cuz I'm hanging up"
"Yes ...i'm done. Have a good day."
"Bye"
I felt frustrated with him but proud with myself because for the first time in my life i was the one ending a fight. I didn't always start them but i was very rarely the one ending them. And i knew he'd see it my way eventually. That was the area we were compatible. We understood each other, very well. I sat down on my bed and sighed. Let the slow and painful healing process begin. Bring it on fuckers! I thought to myself, I've been through much much worse. There was a knock at my bedroom door. I opened it slowly without getting up, confused. He looked down at me asking for forgiveness with his eyes.
"Hey, wow how'd you get here so fast."
He leaned onto me with a heavy hug that forced me down on the bed with him directly on top of my body and lay his head on my chest.
"I'm so sorry." He cried.
"It's really okay, it's ....... all ...okay."
We lay like that for a long while. It was good to feel his weight pressed on top of me, it felt closer than we'd been this whole stupid 2 month long breakup. Closer even than before he'd moved out when we shared a bed every night. He then got up and reached into his bag and pulled out 2 22oz IPA's, opened them and handed me one then climbed back onto the bed next to me, into my arms. We drank and talked ... about the things that had been ours when we were in love, cowboy bebop vs. samurai champloo. How all are friends are fucking douchebags and how much we love them. How we were gonna come up with an awesome scam to make a shit ton of easy money. and then the talking faded and i heard his breath slow into the sleeping sounds i knew so well. I stared out my bedroom window watching the leaves of the tree in my backyard change with the lighting as the sun set. I knew this would be my last time this close to him. And was happy to have this moment to say goodbye, as a lover and to make peace with the side of me that never seems ready to let go.
"Did you think we were gonna be together forever or something?"
"Well I was hoping for it, yes!"
And that's when i got mean because i knew he was right. I was grasping at straws and had been for the bulk of our relationship. We were a good fit in some ways but the incompatible parts were just too incompatible.
I called as soon as i got out of work.
"hello?"
"hey its jenn"
"yep"
"I'm really sorry for the way things went yesterday, I didn't mean to turn it into a fight"
"Really? You didn't mean to fight? You called me weak and told me i never loved you", he was angry and didn't want my apology.
"I know. I was wrong. I wasn't being fair. I just don't want things to end badly."
"Well that's how they're gonna end because i am not having another discussion about any of this."
"Look, when i woke up this morning, after crying all night and had all day at work to think, i realized, we don't have to fight. Getting into arguments is a choice. We don't have to communicate to one another like that anymore. The relationship is over, I get it, I don't want to argue."
"Are you done? Cuz I'm hanging up"
"Yes ...i'm done. Have a good day."
"Bye"
I felt frustrated with him but proud with myself because for the first time in my life i was the one ending a fight. I didn't always start them but i was very rarely the one ending them. And i knew he'd see it my way eventually. That was the area we were compatible. We understood each other, very well. I sat down on my bed and sighed. Let the slow and painful healing process begin. Bring it on fuckers! I thought to myself, I've been through much much worse. There was a knock at my bedroom door. I opened it slowly without getting up, confused. He looked down at me asking for forgiveness with his eyes.
"Hey, wow how'd you get here so fast."
He leaned onto me with a heavy hug that forced me down on the bed with him directly on top of my body and lay his head on my chest.
"I'm so sorry." He cried.
"It's really okay, it's ....... all ...okay."
We lay like that for a long while. It was good to feel his weight pressed on top of me, it felt closer than we'd been this whole stupid 2 month long breakup. Closer even than before he'd moved out when we shared a bed every night. He then got up and reached into his bag and pulled out 2 22oz IPA's, opened them and handed me one then climbed back onto the bed next to me, into my arms. We drank and talked ... about the things that had been ours when we were in love, cowboy bebop vs. samurai champloo. How all are friends are fucking douchebags and how much we love them. How we were gonna come up with an awesome scam to make a shit ton of easy money. and then the talking faded and i heard his breath slow into the sleeping sounds i knew so well. I stared out my bedroom window watching the leaves of the tree in my backyard change with the lighting as the sun set. I knew this would be my last time this close to him. And was happy to have this moment to say goodbye, as a lover and to make peace with the side of me that never seems ready to let go.