Secret Project of Secrecy and other impossible works.
My work computer died, and took every scrap of information I had compiled, every bit of writing, every photograph and every sound file (I frequently record myself thinking aloud, then transcribe and edit later... I'm less obsessive about perfection that way, it seems) I had with it. I have been trying for weeks to revive it, to no avail. I will simply have to accept that the computer is fried and start everything over. Months of work, utterly gone, and a lot of stuff I really don't want to do again will have to be done again. I guess that isn't such a terrible thing, since I have been really distracted lately and haven't gotten much done on, frankly, anything. NO way I give up on this, though, the foundations are laid and it is too good a plan to let it slip away. Maybe I can at least recall enough of what I had on there to be not starting from square one.
Speaking of lack of accomplishment, I have been hyped up to run for so long, the last time I remember not wanting to be able to do it was the last time I *was* doing it. However, it turns out that during the years when I couldn't do much of anything, physically, I got really out of shape. Sure, I am strong as an ox, but I have zero endurance. Fuck. I have gone out twice to run since I decided I was going to get that part of my life back come Hell or high water, and both times I have ended up feeling like the biggest failure since before the word fail was coined. That, and a gasping, pile of collapsed pathetic fat chick. I know that persistence is the key to this, but I had hoped that I would be able to experience at least some glimmer of the joy I used to get out of it. At least I still have the bike, until I can get to a fitness level that is compatible with enjoying running again, but it never gave me that same sense of flying and freedom that running did. It was always more like transportation. I will get it back, damn it, no matter the cost.
I have two weeks until Michael arrives, and it is simultaneously far too long to wait and not nearly long enough. I am nervous as hell, have been since we first hatched this insane plan to meet up, and... I don't really know why. It has gotten so bad these last few weeks that I have not been taking care of myself at all. Not sleeping well, eating either nutritionally worthless crap or not eating at all, a few bouts with bulimia (there's a blast from the past), scrubbing my skin raw. Maybe his jangly nerves are just triggering my own. Maybe it is the fact that he is spending the ensuing fortnight with someone I despise, who could very well end up sending me a royally fucked-up boy to deal with, just because she is an evil, hypocritical, manipulative bitch. No ambivalence there, I know her type too well to give her the benefit of any doubt. Being essentially out of contact until he arrives isn't going to help matters. Fuck.
Yeah, I am generally a mess right about now. Sorry if I have been even more absent than usual lately. It is likely to get worse before it gets better. If things go well over the next couple of weeks, I will be an ebullient bundle of giddy, happy Dawn come mid-September. If things go poorly or there is an ambiguous/unpleasant outcome with Michael's visit, I will probably not resurface until well after my birthday. In any case, it is unlikely that I will be around for at least a few weeks.
No matter what, I love you guys and you can always reach me if you need anything. Be well, my darlings. I'll be back when I am back. ♥♥♥
Speaking of lack of accomplishment, I have been hyped up to run for so long, the last time I remember not wanting to be able to do it was the last time I *was* doing it. However, it turns out that during the years when I couldn't do much of anything, physically, I got really out of shape. Sure, I am strong as an ox, but I have zero endurance. Fuck. I have gone out twice to run since I decided I was going to get that part of my life back come Hell or high water, and both times I have ended up feeling like the biggest failure since before the word fail was coined. That, and a gasping, pile of collapsed pathetic fat chick. I know that persistence is the key to this, but I had hoped that I would be able to experience at least some glimmer of the joy I used to get out of it. At least I still have the bike, until I can get to a fitness level that is compatible with enjoying running again, but it never gave me that same sense of flying and freedom that running did. It was always more like transportation. I will get it back, damn it, no matter the cost.
I have two weeks until Michael arrives, and it is simultaneously far too long to wait and not nearly long enough. I am nervous as hell, have been since we first hatched this insane plan to meet up, and... I don't really know why. It has gotten so bad these last few weeks that I have not been taking care of myself at all. Not sleeping well, eating either nutritionally worthless crap or not eating at all, a few bouts with bulimia (there's a blast from the past), scrubbing my skin raw. Maybe his jangly nerves are just triggering my own. Maybe it is the fact that he is spending the ensuing fortnight with someone I despise, who could very well end up sending me a royally fucked-up boy to deal with, just because she is an evil, hypocritical, manipulative bitch. No ambivalence there, I know her type too well to give her the benefit of any doubt. Being essentially out of contact until he arrives isn't going to help matters. Fuck.
Yeah, I am generally a mess right about now. Sorry if I have been even more absent than usual lately. It is likely to get worse before it gets better. If things go well over the next couple of weeks, I will be an ebullient bundle of giddy, happy Dawn come mid-September. If things go poorly or there is an ambiguous/unpleasant outcome with Michael's visit, I will probably not resurface until well after my birthday. In any case, it is unlikely that I will be around for at least a few weeks.
No matter what, I love you guys and you can always reach me if you need anything. Be well, my darlings. I'll be back when I am back. ♥♥♥