I think I'm having these dreams because she's been in town. . .
I just woke up from a nightmare. It was dark and I was outside of a train station where people were having a Christian celebration. Lights and dancing and music and pretend. I realize that we're under a bridge. I watch Tessa pull up in a car. She pretends not to see me. I see her through the crowd, we rub up against each other as everyone goes in circles, and I feel an old feeling for just a second. I finally run into her face to face. She stares down at me and it makes me feel like child, and she, the adult. She, in dream measurements, is two or three feet taller than me.
"What the fuck did I tell you? I don't ever want to see your fucking face. You know that. It disgusts me."
"But. . .I--"
"Don't make me repeat myself."
She walks away. I start yelling at her, "It's just a fucking coincidence that we're both here! I don't give a shit about you!"
She keeps on walking like she didn't hear me (she didn't).
I want to beat her up. I feel cheated. "Just like old times, eh?" I want to strangle her, but that's illegal. I can't do that. I want to kill her. But it's illegal, but I can do that.
I run up huge metallic stairs to find and kill her. The people amongst me wandering around like zombies. They look like they're from the 1950's, except with blackened eyes. As I'm running up I find myself caught. I look down and see something reaching out of the grate of the stairs, black, the size of a baby's hand tugging at my pant leg, pitch black. Each time I get free it reaches up again and I am caught. I never get to where I am going.
"I stick, because I'm stuck, because I just can't tear myself away. . ."
Later: I am holding a silver heart necklace and I realize it's the one that Alisen gave me in that group of stuff she didn't want. It's in my right hand and I squeeze on it a little bit. It breaks open like a shell, like an oyster or a clam. Inside there is something organic but it's black and I'm not sure, but I think it's moving.
"What the fuck did I tell you? I don't ever want to see your fucking face. You know that. It disgusts me."
"But. . .I--"
"Don't make me repeat myself."
She walks away. I start yelling at her, "It's just a fucking coincidence that we're both here! I don't give a shit about you!"
She keeps on walking like she didn't hear me (she didn't).
I want to beat her up. I feel cheated. "Just like old times, eh?" I want to strangle her, but that's illegal. I can't do that. I want to kill her. But it's illegal, but I can do that.
I run up huge metallic stairs to find and kill her. The people amongst me wandering around like zombies. They look like they're from the 1950's, except with blackened eyes. As I'm running up I find myself caught. I look down and see something reaching out of the grate of the stairs, black, the size of a baby's hand tugging at my pant leg, pitch black. Each time I get free it reaches up again and I am caught. I never get to where I am going.
"I stick, because I'm stuck, because I just can't tear myself away. . ."
Later: I am holding a silver heart necklace and I realize it's the one that Alisen gave me in that group of stuff she didn't want. It's in my right hand and I squeeze on it a little bit. It breaks open like a shell, like an oyster or a clam. Inside there is something organic but it's black and I'm not sure, but I think it's moving.