The 'unutterable trainwreck' rolls out of town.
Well, I have a full-time job. I live with my partner. I do all the bills and rent and stuff. I am rarely drunk on weeknights (Friday is not a weeknight). what is left to do?
Oh, yes. I'm coming off the meds. Finally.
I have been dreading this as much as I look forward to it being all done with, since I know it won't be easy (my last attempt to ditch the drugs, i lasted four days at fifteen mg before declaring 'screw this scary shit' and getting right back up to twenty. but I wasn't exactly in a supportive environment then).
The doc reckons that every time i lessen the dose, the first week will be a bit iffy - I am, to all intents and purposes, addicted to these things - but that I should 'ride it out'. I have warned Canada.
I am currently at fifteen, until next week where i start alternating between ten and fifteen. Ten milligrams! That sounds weird. They give that much to angsty teenagers!
Five mg, which I should be down to in three months, seems a lifetime away. In april my brain will be clearer than it has been for eight years. How very garden state. I hope someone write 'balls' on my head while i listen to the shins and scream into a giant hole. Get it?? DO YOU GET IT??? how clever.
I digress.
So. I am...sane then. Or as good as. i mean, doc didn't talk me out of it. And I have no doubt that i'm only still on the pills because I'm scared to not be. Of course, with regained sanity comes the knowledge that such things are fragile, and that I don't really know what it's like to exist as the person I am without chemical assistance. Exactly the same, i imagine, only with no exonerating factors to blame my bad moods on. No, wait! I haven't been sleeping. there. Always an excuse.
(For the record, I have been a bit under the weather the past few days, since taking the lat 20mg tablet i'll ever take. not crazy, or full blown sad, or anything like the old days, just a bit of a grump. Will keep you updated).
Oh, yes. I'm coming off the meds. Finally.
I have been dreading this as much as I look forward to it being all done with, since I know it won't be easy (my last attempt to ditch the drugs, i lasted four days at fifteen mg before declaring 'screw this scary shit' and getting right back up to twenty. but I wasn't exactly in a supportive environment then).
The doc reckons that every time i lessen the dose, the first week will be a bit iffy - I am, to all intents and purposes, addicted to these things - but that I should 'ride it out'. I have warned Canada.
I am currently at fifteen, until next week where i start alternating between ten and fifteen. Ten milligrams! That sounds weird. They give that much to angsty teenagers!
Five mg, which I should be down to in three months, seems a lifetime away. In april my brain will be clearer than it has been for eight years. How very garden state. I hope someone write 'balls' on my head while i listen to the shins and scream into a giant hole. Get it?? DO YOU GET IT??? how clever.
I digress.
So. I am...sane then. Or as good as. i mean, doc didn't talk me out of it. And I have no doubt that i'm only still on the pills because I'm scared to not be. Of course, with regained sanity comes the knowledge that such things are fragile, and that I don't really know what it's like to exist as the person I am without chemical assistance. Exactly the same, i imagine, only with no exonerating factors to blame my bad moods on. No, wait! I haven't been sleeping. there. Always an excuse.
(For the record, I have been a bit under the weather the past few days, since taking the lat 20mg tablet i'll ever take. not crazy, or full blown sad, or anything like the old days, just a bit of a grump. Will keep you updated).