warning: long.
my brain isn't working right, my aunt's funeral is today, and it's another day of wishing i had someone to tell me everything will be all right (and actually believe it). i want crazy/beautiful, some wonderful boy to come into my life and make everything right. to let me give so much to him and appreciate it and be close with him and not get burned. oh wait. that isn't possible. i am deluded and realistic all at once. i can imagine that you are here right now and things are the way they used to be, but i won't feel any better. i will just feel foolish and stupid.
it's not even about you anymore. it's about how often this happens. okay, a lot of it is about you, because i remember how you told me you wanted to be exclusive, that i was your dream girl, that you've never been like this around someone before. and then...nothing. off. no communication of any kind. it's like a slap in the face, especially when you cannot see it coming until that last second. and you don't realize that you're being hit with a club, not just a hand. i feel naive. but i don't think you were lying. you can't fake those little character changes i saw occurring in you. you can't fake the little things that i always pick up on. valentine's day was perfect; it was the last time we spent time together. the situational&verbal irony does not escape me. maybe you were scared, maybe your ex girlfriend came back into your life. i wouldn't know, because you never explained. you just stopped talking to me. because you knew if you tried to explain your side i would be able to reveal the contradictions within your excuses and strip away your bullshit reasons until you were left with nothing to explain your behavior. then you would have had to admit your fear or walk away knowing that you have no valid reason for doing so. so you ran. foolish boy, do you know what you gave up? i don't know if you ever think about it. i think you do, or did until i showed up for the tickets and ignored your presence. i think you have blocked most of it out and let your stubborn pride consume you. you would never call and say you made a mistake. you would never come back.
your loss. i would have given a lot to you. i was great and amazing and everything you could have asked for (except graceful, but i was working on that). and you threw it all away. i hope you realize that, even if your pride causes you to have a delayed realization of such. i hope that, as you're fucking girls in your cold room or laughing with friends at the thursday bbq or smoking with ryan in the living room, you realize that something is missing. that i am missing from your life, and you are none the better for it. that it should have been me curled up in bed with you (i make you laugh more and talk about anything), that i should have been getting ready with you to go to the bbq (who else would start a conversation about freudian psychology with you while we are taking a shower together?), that i should have been sitting next to you on the couch as you take that hit (i make fun of ryan for having the never ending stash and sing with him caues he's goofy like me). but instead i am sitting at home, unable to do anything. and not because of you. because my aunt died and i feel incredibly fucking alone. your precense would have been incredibly soothing and helpful. just having someone to rub my back and tell me things will be okay would be nice. sure, i'd let some tears slip out, but i wouldn't cry to you hardcore. i would just escape, for the time we spend together, from all the pain and realities of this world. and i would have done the same for you. you know that. you never told me about your family troubles, but i tried to understand. you were angry and took it out on me, i smiled and let it roll off my back. i tried to get you to talk about it. i understood. i fucking understood and accepted you for who you were, flaws and everything. i appreciated your sense of humor, intelligence, political awareness, neck kisses, pale pale skin, and more. i accepted your inability to communicate with others, your stubbornness, your pride, your materialistic tendencies. they were almost endearing and cute, because they made you, you.
jordan says i'm more mature than most guys we know. i don't know if i am. i hope so. i hope the reason that people keep dicking me over in the worst ways possible is because they can't handle the level of maturity that i am at. please let that be it. there has to be something going on with me that makes all these guys walk away. james was lucky. he saw me at my best, willing to give my best. but he still walked away. there must be something i don't realize, something i can't control. i just hope to god it's something that can resolve itself. don't let it always be like this. because it is always like this.
i remember you becoming upset with me because i told you i was scared. i don't know what to think of that incident. i remember you being goofy a lot near the end and you said that i had rubbed off on you. i remember you telling me about when you were little and a science fiction nerd. i remember all these wonderful little moments, and virtually no bad ones. and if you add it all up, it isn't supposed to result in you disappearing and me wondering what happened.
i know you are unable to deal with consequences, with hurting someone. that's why you never called. because you didn't want to have to tell me that you are done with this. even if i acted completely fine about it, you would be able to find the hurt in my voice and feel guilty. or maybe you were afraid you wouldn't be able to go through with it. who knows.
but hey, maybe i will be more at peace now. getting it all out helps, sometimes. i should be at peace anyway, i didn't give up something wonderful. then again, it was taken away from me. but maybe it wasn't so wonderful to begin with. regardless, i am done wondering why.