(no subject)
It's difficult to put my feelings into context now. Everything has changed on me....life just took this whole other turn; this wasn't in the plan. As much as I always have wanted it to be....I still never thought I'd ever get it. Ever. In a way, I can only think that the entire thing is doomed, as I'm not meant to be happy....but I'll shove that out of my mind for just a few minutes here....
I look at all the events leading up to this very moment....sudden, harsh, and sometimes with no reasoning. I don't believe in fate or anything of the sort. Things just ARE. Yet, it's still fascinating to place the pieces side by side and marvel at the outcome....
So life may be starting at 25, not ending. I don't know how long this positive thinking bullshit will last, but....it's almost as if I was taking my last breath, ready to die, but was surprised when another followed. I know it's him. He makes me want to keep going on. He makes me want to better myself....he makes me want to follow all these abandoned dreams. I'm almost overwhelmed....
I'm putting my place together, finally. I have the spare room to use as my office, and I want to get that started....I'll be working on that today. Last night I sat down at the piano for the first time in perhaps 4 years. It was like, how you never forget to ride a bike....it's still there. Everything was waiting faithfully where I left it. The time I have wasted, is unbearable....
Last night I went to bed with this awful feeling of him not being beside me. Terrible pain in the chest, stomach turning and all. I didn't wake up in his arms....but I woke up feeling everything was going to be ok. His note was still on the pillow beside me, which I must have read like, 50 times before I passed out from exhaustion. It looks like a grey hell out there today, but damn, I'm happy.
There I said it. I'm happy.
I look at all the events leading up to this very moment....sudden, harsh, and sometimes with no reasoning. I don't believe in fate or anything of the sort. Things just ARE. Yet, it's still fascinating to place the pieces side by side and marvel at the outcome....
So life may be starting at 25, not ending. I don't know how long this positive thinking bullshit will last, but....it's almost as if I was taking my last breath, ready to die, but was surprised when another followed. I know it's him. He makes me want to keep going on. He makes me want to better myself....he makes me want to follow all these abandoned dreams. I'm almost overwhelmed....
I'm putting my place together, finally. I have the spare room to use as my office, and I want to get that started....I'll be working on that today. Last night I sat down at the piano for the first time in perhaps 4 years. It was like, how you never forget to ride a bike....it's still there. Everything was waiting faithfully where I left it. The time I have wasted, is unbearable....
Last night I went to bed with this awful feeling of him not being beside me. Terrible pain in the chest, stomach turning and all. I didn't wake up in his arms....but I woke up feeling everything was going to be ok. His note was still on the pillow beside me, which I must have read like, 50 times before I passed out from exhaustion. It looks like a grey hell out there today, but damn, I'm happy.
There I said it. I'm happy.