update because of recent reactions
Hey everybody, and as you can see: no I'm not dead!
The opposite is the 'problem'. Somewhere the one or the other might have read something like 'I'm mommy' from me and wondered, what the hell is going on and that's what I want to explain to everyone with this entry.
In the last two years so much has happened, that even good old Internet loving me subdued for so long. I never was the diary kind of type, except when something was really bothering me.
Everything started 2006 with me finishing school, searching for a job, trying to actually find a place where I can learn a job, because I didn't want to go and study and, and, and...
Well what can I say... till today I didn't find some place where I can learn the job I think I really wanna do... and here in Germany you actually have to learn a job, if you don't wanna study. Even though I almost was employed at IKEA and BREUNINGER! 300 appliers.... me the last to go. Hard times, I can tell you!
So I started out on a local firm with just doing an assistant job. I got a little higher than that pretty soon and even got the trust of my department chef.
Everything went kinda good, which made me not so unhappy with the whole job learning anymore, as I really had a lot of amazing co-workers and though the payment wasn't the best, I really enjoyed the time there.
As I already said, I found some really good friends at that company. I even found the best friend I could ever imagine, cause he seem to also be my soul-mate ;)
Peter and I are going to be two years a couple in September.
With peter it all started about 2 years ago. He and another co-worker of mine were freshly separated. She and I very good friends, when I started to become friends with him as well. My feelings soon grew, because there were a few things going on, where he really perfectly took care of me. I couldn't have wished for someone else.. or better or whatever. He was truly amazing through it all.
Only problem back then was he didn't want a girlfriend so soon after the split again. So I was being heartbroken and rejected once more. Two months after that he actually came back to me and 'wanted' me too.
Half a year later we actually were as far, that I practically had been moved in with him. And around October, we decided to make it final and get the rest of my things over to his place.
But there were not only good developments. One of my uncles died in 2007, leaving a big, empty space in my heart. Another one of them got ill. No one knows what it is. All the specialists are trying desperately to find out, why he suddenly can't use his arms at all anymore. And this year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Now to the point you all are waiting for desperately - I guess.
Overly happy and not being able to imagine anything better than our current situation (After moving in with Peter) I made a - to us - scary discovery in the end of November. I was pregnant!
We were shocked. We absolutely didn't know what to do. We were only a year a couple. I still hadn't even started to learn a job. We were just starting to get comfy in our flat and finally doing financially kinda good. And now I was pregnant. It felt like the world stopped turning and for like two weeks we kept on thinking about what to actually do now.
Finally on the day I had to tell my gynecologist my decision, we decided against the kid. At 1 in the evening my appointment was. At 12 we last talked and decided to prepare everything for an abortion. We told each other, we'd still have a few days to re-decide if we really couldn't or wouldn't do it. So I drove there and when I just entered the building I got a text message on my mobile, which told me not to do the whole preparations for an abortion but get the expectant mother's record of prenatal and natal care.
I actually couldn't believe it and before doing even the slightest thing, I ran out of the building again, to call my boyfriend. All I asked was 'Are you sure?'. All he answered was 'Yes'. I hung up and confirmed my kid inside.
Ever since we made this decision we only had complications. About 2 months (starting in January) we didn't know if our kid would live or not. It all started out with my water breaking in 12th week of pregnancy. Everyone tells me until today, what a wonder it was, my son survived that, giving him the nickname (well I call him that way) little wonder. After that, I had a blood clot on my uterine, giving the kid another big chance of not making it. 2 months I was laying down. Permanently. In the 20th week I was transported to 'Tübingen', a city where a huge medical center was, because of having very early contractions.
It really was very nerve wrecking. End of March the doctors finally declared my pregnancy normal and we finally got a break to breath freely again.
But not for long, because we till then didn't do anything for the baby yet, because we never could be sure, if we really would be having a baby or not. So all the preparations and shopping was really going... not to mention me permanently spending time at the doctors with my mom, because of her cancer.
The end of the whole story took place on a warm and really sunny Tuesday - June 30th - where I told my boyfriend - who was just about to go to work - that he'd better not go anywhere but with me to the hospital, where our son was born about 12 hours later.
It was no easy birth, as almost born, he got stuck in my pelvis and an emergency cesarean had to be performed. But who cares how it all was done, to me the essential is, that Linus (all forgot about the name!!!! yap... daddy wanted to name the little wonder LINUS) is healthy and finally there! 52 cm big and - back then - 3070 gr heavy. And - I know probably every mother says that and so it's really ridiculous but.... - he's so cute! ;)
After two weeks I still don't really feel like a mother. That's probably why I had to write it out everywhere, to remind myself. Sure, there's this small creature, whose all depending on you and you love it to death - believe me... after everything that happened and I went through because of him I can say that! - but you - or at least I - permanently wait for that moment where you feel somehow different than you did before.
But maybe that moment never comes. I mean.... everyone said it would come when you turn 16 and are allowed to drink (here in Germany)... or when you turn 18 and are and official adult (here in Germany).... or when you turn 21 and you really are on your own - worldwide.... but c'mon... did anyone of you ever feel like this one day.. these few hours or minutes ever changed you completely? I never felt that way. And I guess it's because you had time to grow into the new role. Really slowly. And the transformation isn't done until much much later anyway.
I asked my boyfriend, if he really felt like a daddy now... and he was also like.. actually no. but he meant, it probably would come, when Linus will be calling me mommy for the first time. Well I guess we'll see.
Now I'm gonna finish my huge rant, because I'm hungry and gotta hurry up with eating, so I'm finished when my kid wants to eat something, too...
Love you alls (even if i haven't spoken to lots of you for reeeeeeeeeal long - too long) loads and hopefully i can make myself not to disappear for a little shorter!
yours
Nic
The opposite is the 'problem'. Somewhere the one or the other might have read something like 'I'm mommy' from me and wondered, what the hell is going on and that's what I want to explain to everyone with this entry.
In the last two years so much has happened, that even good old Internet loving me subdued for so long. I never was the diary kind of type, except when something was really bothering me.
Everything started 2006 with me finishing school, searching for a job, trying to actually find a place where I can learn a job, because I didn't want to go and study and, and, and...
Well what can I say... till today I didn't find some place where I can learn the job I think I really wanna do... and here in Germany you actually have to learn a job, if you don't wanna study. Even though I almost was employed at IKEA and BREUNINGER! 300 appliers.... me the last to go. Hard times, I can tell you!
So I started out on a local firm with just doing an assistant job. I got a little higher than that pretty soon and even got the trust of my department chef.
Everything went kinda good, which made me not so unhappy with the whole job learning anymore, as I really had a lot of amazing co-workers and though the payment wasn't the best, I really enjoyed the time there.
As I already said, I found some really good friends at that company. I even found the best friend I could ever imagine, cause he seem to also be my soul-mate ;)
Peter and I are going to be two years a couple in September.
With peter it all started about 2 years ago. He and another co-worker of mine were freshly separated. She and I very good friends, when I started to become friends with him as well. My feelings soon grew, because there were a few things going on, where he really perfectly took care of me. I couldn't have wished for someone else.. or better or whatever. He was truly amazing through it all.
Only problem back then was he didn't want a girlfriend so soon after the split again. So I was being heartbroken and rejected once more. Two months after that he actually came back to me and 'wanted' me too.
Half a year later we actually were as far, that I practically had been moved in with him. And around October, we decided to make it final and get the rest of my things over to his place.
But there were not only good developments. One of my uncles died in 2007, leaving a big, empty space in my heart. Another one of them got ill. No one knows what it is. All the specialists are trying desperately to find out, why he suddenly can't use his arms at all anymore. And this year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Now to the point you all are waiting for desperately - I guess.
Overly happy and not being able to imagine anything better than our current situation (After moving in with Peter) I made a - to us - scary discovery in the end of November. I was pregnant!
We were shocked. We absolutely didn't know what to do. We were only a year a couple. I still hadn't even started to learn a job. We were just starting to get comfy in our flat and finally doing financially kinda good. And now I was pregnant. It felt like the world stopped turning and for like two weeks we kept on thinking about what to actually do now.
Finally on the day I had to tell my gynecologist my decision, we decided against the kid. At 1 in the evening my appointment was. At 12 we last talked and decided to prepare everything for an abortion. We told each other, we'd still have a few days to re-decide if we really couldn't or wouldn't do it. So I drove there and when I just entered the building I got a text message on my mobile, which told me not to do the whole preparations for an abortion but get the expectant mother's record of prenatal and natal care.
I actually couldn't believe it and before doing even the slightest thing, I ran out of the building again, to call my boyfriend. All I asked was 'Are you sure?'. All he answered was 'Yes'. I hung up and confirmed my kid inside.
Ever since we made this decision we only had complications. About 2 months (starting in January) we didn't know if our kid would live or not. It all started out with my water breaking in 12th week of pregnancy. Everyone tells me until today, what a wonder it was, my son survived that, giving him the nickname (well I call him that way) little wonder. After that, I had a blood clot on my uterine, giving the kid another big chance of not making it. 2 months I was laying down. Permanently. In the 20th week I was transported to 'Tübingen', a city where a huge medical center was, because of having very early contractions.
It really was very nerve wrecking. End of March the doctors finally declared my pregnancy normal and we finally got a break to breath freely again.
But not for long, because we till then didn't do anything for the baby yet, because we never could be sure, if we really would be having a baby or not. So all the preparations and shopping was really going... not to mention me permanently spending time at the doctors with my mom, because of her cancer.
The end of the whole story took place on a warm and really sunny Tuesday - June 30th - where I told my boyfriend - who was just about to go to work - that he'd better not go anywhere but with me to the hospital, where our son was born about 12 hours later.
It was no easy birth, as almost born, he got stuck in my pelvis and an emergency cesarean had to be performed. But who cares how it all was done, to me the essential is, that Linus (all forgot about the name!!!! yap... daddy wanted to name the little wonder LINUS) is healthy and finally there! 52 cm big and - back then - 3070 gr heavy. And - I know probably every mother says that and so it's really ridiculous but.... - he's so cute! ;)
After two weeks I still don't really feel like a mother. That's probably why I had to write it out everywhere, to remind myself. Sure, there's this small creature, whose all depending on you and you love it to death - believe me... after everything that happened and I went through because of him I can say that! - but you - or at least I - permanently wait for that moment where you feel somehow different than you did before.
But maybe that moment never comes. I mean.... everyone said it would come when you turn 16 and are allowed to drink (here in Germany)... or when you turn 18 and are and official adult (here in Germany).... or when you turn 21 and you really are on your own - worldwide.... but c'mon... did anyone of you ever feel like this one day.. these few hours or minutes ever changed you completely? I never felt that way. And I guess it's because you had time to grow into the new role. Really slowly. And the transformation isn't done until much much later anyway.
I asked my boyfriend, if he really felt like a daddy now... and he was also like.. actually no. but he meant, it probably would come, when Linus will be calling me mommy for the first time. Well I guess we'll see.
Now I'm gonna finish my huge rant, because I'm hungry and gotta hurry up with eating, so I'm finished when my kid wants to eat something, too...
Love you alls (even if i haven't spoken to lots of you for reeeeeeeeeal long - too long) loads and hopefully i can make myself not to disappear for a little shorter!
yours
Nic