everything's a complete mess!!
i haven't posted here in for a while and that has its reasons. there are things going in my life i didn't even want to let go off, here, cause i wnated my friends to be there for me, but that's another story. i don't wanna talk about the whole crap that happened all the time that has passed... but i wanna talk about what was eating me up my whole holiday and now again...
6 and a half weeks ago... my holiday started... and so.... 7 weeks ago my parents came back from their holdiay in croatia. however.... they didn't come home that healthy... well... my dad actually went already ill into holiday... for two weeks he was dealing already with two major health problems without even seeing a doctor... now i guess you are asking what these are... okay... i'll tell you...
- he ahd a huge furuncle on his back (a furuncle is like a huge blain, pick-axe, spot... whatever) and we're not talking about any little thing... maybe as big as a finger nail or something... it almost was as big as my fist...
- he had pain in his leg and my mom told him all the two weeks... that if it wasn't already a thrombosis, then it certainly would get one.. (a condition in which blood changes from liquid to solid and produces a blood clot)
so they were home and my dad wnet (finally!!) to a doctor... he said it was 'only' a phlebitis.... he gave my dad some ointment... and said he had to put that on there every day like... two, three times and get it wrapped up.... he went for his furuncle and the phlebitis almost every day to the doctor... it seemed okay... everything looked up after and... it seemed to be alright.... my last day of school was there: wednesday..... i went party wednesday (we had a huge goodbye dinner for nina at elsa pata, a mexican restaurant), i partied thursday (party with all the people who are in my year at my school), i partied friday (went out to a disco with some friends... almost got hooked up by a friend with a friend....).
the saturday morning came hard..... my mom came running down the stairs and straight into my room at 9.... she was completely out of breath... "nicole, u have to get up, bring dad to hospital...." i had slept for 5 hours and am woken by such 'great news'. i was like "what?!" but she was already out again. i got hurriedly up, got dressed and ran upstairs.... i asked my mom what was wrong and she told me, my dad had extreme trouble breathing the night from friday to saturday.... he wnet to the doctor once again in the morning... and he said my dad was in suspicion of a pulmonary embolism.... great shock... when you r up for like 10 minutes... i ran back down, packed my stuff and drove my dad to hospital....
we sat there one hour... noone had checked up on my dad... noone had asked my dad what was wrong with him... absolutely noone... then through the speakers in the hospital came once again that all too familiar 'next patient, please' and it finally was my dad's turn. he was back out several second later again... "what's wrong now?" "oh, i don't have to see the doc... i have to go right into ultra sound..." "great... you almost can't walk at all... and they let u walk back there.... without any reason..."
another half an hour later, finally one of the nurses decided she should check up on my dad... finally.... she looked at the paper the doc had given my dad.... and was all like "ooh... u're an emergency... gotta call the doc..." i almost jumped out of my skin.... seriously... after one and a half hours... in the emergency room... they tell you... hey... you're an emergency.... seriously!!! why else would i be in emergency room....
after all in all 2 hours... finally a doc appeared on the scene... she told my dad, that his doctor, at home, should have sent him rigth away in the ambulance or at leats call the hospital.... she took my dad along.... and that's when i last saw him....
i sat alone in the waiting room.... driving crazy... i saw people.. come and go..... there was a woman with a heart problem... but there just was noone there to even ask.... why anybody was there... their excuse? it's saturday!!! a man later came in with his familie.... his wife probably had a broken toe... he said... that this was completely normal... he once had cut his finger off.. sat at excatly same spot... aiting for hours... the whole floor full of blood... and the nurse just told him... hey don't worry... the cleaners will get that away again.... excuse me???
i was completely driving crazy... mailing and phoning every half an hour my mom or one of my bros or nina... it was the only thing which kept me somewhat sane....
after four hours had passed... i wnet more into that emergency section to find a nurse.... i was like "hey.... do u know anything about my dad? dürr is his name..." she was like "oh... he's with the doctor right now..." i almost went rebellious on her.... i almost yelled ta her oooh wow... he's with the doc... now that's a real relief..... is he at leats still alive or sth?!?!.. calmly i wnet abck out... not saying anything
after all in all 5 (!!!!!) hours.... finally someone called me through the speakers into that station again... no nurse talked to me... i just saw my dad.. alying on ahospital bed... i was like.... wow... nice anyone talks to me here!! i wlaked up to him and eh said he had pneumonia.... i shall go home and get his stuff... (p.s.: it's still called pneumonia and phlebitis)
the whole weekend everyone seemed more calm... he was in hospital... he was okay.... he should be okay.... there are poeple who know what they do... but on tuesday... they then decided... it was a thrombosis after all... great... almost 3 weeks he got to live with a life danger a no doctor gets anything.... he was operated on wednesday.... the vein was pulled out from the very top of the thigh till down to the almost foot... monday was released.... it was okay... once again... we thought.... (just to note that down... we'Re her in like.... 2 weeks of my holiday......)
a week after releasing my dad.... he said... there wa sth wrong with his arm.... just where this IV had been... on a nother check up with the docs in my home town, my dad again was given some ointment again and he just shall wrapp it up...
everythign seemed fine... seriously.. life was getting better and better... we were going on search for a new car for myself.... and we found... a greta one, like i think... (3 - 4 weeks of my holiday) we completely bought it, and put it offical all on the first of september.... ( i have now a twingo... special edition of united colour sof beneton..... a cool roof and all.. pictures somewhen... when i cna finalyl make myself do it ;))
last monday (5 weeks of my holiday passed) my dad started working again.... my dad was 3 weeks on vacation... and afterwards still 3 or 4 weeks if not even 5... ill.... he took my car with him on monday to refuel... but my car doesn't have... servo-steering machine... his arm hurted when he came home.... but he thought it might just be cause he wans't used to driving without servo....
we soon noticed, it wasn't just that..... he started seeing the doc again... again, they said... oh it's just mild phlebitis, again... again he just got that same ointment and shall wrapp it up.....
on saturday... he mentioned.... his other leg might... get that thrombosis as well.... just.. to emntion it....
and all i say now is: crap to fucking doctors!!!!! today he was at doc again, cause nothing was getting better!!! and what can i say... by 8 tonight he's laiyng in hospital again... the next thrombosis.... this time on his arm!!!! (after 6 1/2 weeks of holiday and going back to school...) at teh hospital i told my dad soso seriously, if he doesn't get that other leg checked out by anyone right away, i'd ripp his head off... by my own hands!!!
i broke down completely.... at that news..... i mean... no doc checked him out completely yet... not at the hospital anyway... and this freaks me out even more... cause u don't evenw nat to know, what lal the risks are.... (e.g.: blood clot could 'crash'... the thrombosis would be gone yes.... but do you know the probable consequences? oh well.. pieces could wander to his....
- heart -> just heratattacks....
- lung -> pulmonary embolism...
- brain -> who knows what?!
... why not?!)
just thinking of what everything could happen makes me drive crazy... it drove me crazy all my holidays, cause... whenevever i went upstairs for lunch (we always eat all together) i was scared that the next... big thing happened...
it might now sound seriously crazy... and... idotic... but right now i dunnow what's better... to pray..... that this i just... going away after a day or so again..... that it once again 'seeems' like everything's fine... and then the world crushes again... and again... and again..... ooooor to just ... be like.... c'mon... let's end all of ours suffers.. his... my mom, my brothers and my freaks... just one big pain and then.... just have rid off everything..... kerstin said, it was understandable... but... doens't this sound completely.... idiotic? almost .... i dunno how to say it..... maybe.... sth like 'hoping' that your own father dies..... so u finally can have ur pieces again?!
but seriously... that's how i feel... i don't wanna loose him...... even though we have our problems... i still don't think i could live without him screweing my life on a regular basis... but... i can't take it everythign anymore... and i don't wnat to take it anymore... i can't handle this all anymore... i'm just completely..... out of it....