and you do what you do cause doing, you start to form a habit...
oh man, how i've neglected processing my thoughts into this.
so now it is officially 2010. crazyness. as i look back on the past year, i can't swim for one regret that i have. hard to believe? but honestly.. i regret absolutely nothing. mainly because i believe everything i've gone through has taught me something i needed to know.
for a few examples, when i broke up with derek.. literally a year ago.. i think whatever happened to us was such a relief, as sad & painful as it was, it was SUPPOSED to happen and i was SUPPOSED to let go. cause otherwise, i'd still be down in the dumps and never happy. and this past year, i've never been so happy. i'm not one of those beings that can't stand to be alone.. i actually enjoy being alone. of course, i adore the company of a significant other.. i'm human.. but i am an individual.. i'm one.. and i love that about myself & i love the fact that i can love being alone. and breaking things off with him really made understand the concepts of being single. i'm no longer afraid of it. i can't depend on someone anymore, only myself. cause in the end, thats honestly really all you have. i've met so many people, and experienced so many different feelings and thoughts that makes me totally okay with standing alone.
another example would be, the decision i made to end something. i honestly was not all about children. i was actually against marriage too, mainly because i was / am scared. let me stay on track though, the children part: i believe... i was put in that certain situation to: a) realize what i was doing is wrong b) the feelings you get when you realize you can make children. i think i was always just scared that i was going to treat my kids like my mother treated me & my siblings, and i'm honestly still scared. but, because of what i went through, all of these thoughts and feelings i started to have that i never knew i could feel / think made me realize that i DO want kids. there is a love that i never understood until then. and it is the most amazing feeling.. its deep, adoring, unconditional love... nobody, and i mean nobody, can understand or even IMAGINE how that feels until you experience it yourself. i know it was totally against everything i believe but, it was right for me & for him.. for us. i already repented and i do believe i have been forgiven. deric had to console me for a while & everything he said was true. God is a loving and very merciful God. and to be quite honest, i don't care what anyone thinks about it. i did what i did because ultimately, it was all about me. overall, i don't regret doing what i did. i feel it taught me a lesson, to love & to not be scared. and on an ending note for this topic, i had / have this little inkling that it would've been a boy. i just know it.
i also learned that love IS scary, but it is definitely worth it. i can't be afraid to let people in. trusting someone is hard to do.. especially after so many people have wronged me. trust.. why the fuck does that even exist, as a matter of fact? anywho.. i'm taking a huge risk of getting hurt, but isn't that what some part of life is about? learning from your mistakes? i just learned how to catagorize feelings and such. if i don't see a potential long term future, i won't waste my time, energy, brain power, or feelings. on anyone or anything. i made this imaginary check list inside my head, which fucks with me alllll the time.. but if i don't follow my high standards, nothing will ever turn out how i want it to be. and i can't possibly find a feeling inside me that is okay with lowering my standards. a couple of my good friends have gotten married.. having kids.. and it makes me realize how much i'd love to have that, but on the same note, i know i, as an individual, am totally not ready. which i'm okay with. im okay with not being ready for that step. i need to find a boyfriend first anyway :P but that isn't my main goal in life. my goal is to... honestly... work on my lifestyle & beliefs.
oh and another thing i've concluded.. i don't think i'm guna speak to derek anymore. he just consistently lies.. about the stupidest shit. and i know it's because he's afraid i'll get mad. but, there's no more of me that can be mad at him... we're not together.. we never will be.. we're friends now.. its been a year.. but yet, he still can't grasp the idea that its OKAY to talk about certain things. feelings don't exist in our world.. or at least, on my end.
i don't really know what else to say except... i keep dreaming about deric. i'm not so sure if i like it or not. fuuuuuuuck.
But I'm not gonna tell anyone
What I'm really thinking about
Keep the conversations on the surface
Just keep on smiling
Just keep on saying
Everything's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
so now it is officially 2010. crazyness. as i look back on the past year, i can't swim for one regret that i have. hard to believe? but honestly.. i regret absolutely nothing. mainly because i believe everything i've gone through has taught me something i needed to know.
for a few examples, when i broke up with derek.. literally a year ago.. i think whatever happened to us was such a relief, as sad & painful as it was, it was SUPPOSED to happen and i was SUPPOSED to let go. cause otherwise, i'd still be down in the dumps and never happy. and this past year, i've never been so happy. i'm not one of those beings that can't stand to be alone.. i actually enjoy being alone. of course, i adore the company of a significant other.. i'm human.. but i am an individual.. i'm one.. and i love that about myself & i love the fact that i can love being alone. and breaking things off with him really made understand the concepts of being single. i'm no longer afraid of it. i can't depend on someone anymore, only myself. cause in the end, thats honestly really all you have. i've met so many people, and experienced so many different feelings and thoughts that makes me totally okay with standing alone.
another example would be, the decision i made to end something. i honestly was not all about children. i was actually against marriage too, mainly because i was / am scared. let me stay on track though, the children part: i believe... i was put in that certain situation to: a) realize what i was doing is wrong b) the feelings you get when you realize you can make children. i think i was always just scared that i was going to treat my kids like my mother treated me & my siblings, and i'm honestly still scared. but, because of what i went through, all of these thoughts and feelings i started to have that i never knew i could feel / think made me realize that i DO want kids. there is a love that i never understood until then. and it is the most amazing feeling.. its deep, adoring, unconditional love... nobody, and i mean nobody, can understand or even IMAGINE how that feels until you experience it yourself. i know it was totally against everything i believe but, it was right for me & for him.. for us. i already repented and i do believe i have been forgiven. deric had to console me for a while & everything he said was true. God is a loving and very merciful God. and to be quite honest, i don't care what anyone thinks about it. i did what i did because ultimately, it was all about me. overall, i don't regret doing what i did. i feel it taught me a lesson, to love & to not be scared. and on an ending note for this topic, i had / have this little inkling that it would've been a boy. i just know it.
i also learned that love IS scary, but it is definitely worth it. i can't be afraid to let people in. trusting someone is hard to do.. especially after so many people have wronged me. trust.. why the fuck does that even exist, as a matter of fact? anywho.. i'm taking a huge risk of getting hurt, but isn't that what some part of life is about? learning from your mistakes? i just learned how to catagorize feelings and such. if i don't see a potential long term future, i won't waste my time, energy, brain power, or feelings. on anyone or anything. i made this imaginary check list inside my head, which fucks with me alllll the time.. but if i don't follow my high standards, nothing will ever turn out how i want it to be. and i can't possibly find a feeling inside me that is okay with lowering my standards. a couple of my good friends have gotten married.. having kids.. and it makes me realize how much i'd love to have that, but on the same note, i know i, as an individual, am totally not ready. which i'm okay with. im okay with not being ready for that step. i need to find a boyfriend first anyway :P but that isn't my main goal in life. my goal is to... honestly... work on my lifestyle & beliefs.
oh and another thing i've concluded.. i don't think i'm guna speak to derek anymore. he just consistently lies.. about the stupidest shit. and i know it's because he's afraid i'll get mad. but, there's no more of me that can be mad at him... we're not together.. we never will be.. we're friends now.. its been a year.. but yet, he still can't grasp the idea that its OKAY to talk about certain things. feelings don't exist in our world.. or at least, on my end.
i don't really know what else to say except... i keep dreaming about deric. i'm not so sure if i like it or not. fuuuuuuuck.
But I'm not gonna tell anyone
What I'm really thinking about
Keep the conversations on the surface
Just keep on smiling
Just keep on saying
Everything's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright