"The New Priest" aka "The Martini Sermon"

[sweet__kitty]

A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done it. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and Holy Spook.
10. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
11. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say: "Eat me."
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
14. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry."

Taken from a search result that turned up : http://www.bendaluz.legend.yorks.com/jokes/priest.html