(no subject)
So last weekend Gerry referred to me as his wife in a couple conversations (I believe they were simple slips and he wasn't aware of it when he did) and then yesterday he lightheartedly suggested I should move in with him.
Although these are things that should make me happy, they really only plant seeds of anxiety.
We have never seriously discussed the possibility of him and I living together, and although I kind of would like to, I am afraid to. Part of me wants to just leave things as they are and not worry about it. I like our relationship. I love him and love spending time with him. However, I do not think I am ready to make that move. Even if it has been almost 4 years. Maybe part of me wants him to really show me that he's committed and make the first move. I think that I would feel better about it if I knew how he really felt about it.
After the whole let down with Kent after 5 years of dating then moving in together and then having it all fall apart, really within only a couple of months even though we dragged it on for several, I am scared. I know I shouldn't let what happened with Kent affect my the future of my relationship with Gerry, but I guess I never realized how much I was hurt by that whole situation. It's not fair to Gerry, though.
*sigh*
I just don't know. Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't I be young and not caring anymore and just go in whole-heartedly without worry of hurt? Where is that blissful ignorance of youth that would give me the courage to face my fears and plow through knowing that I would come out stronger on the other side, no matter what the outcome.
*arrrrrrrrrrgh*
I love my G, though. I can't imagine my life without him.
Although these are things that should make me happy, they really only plant seeds of anxiety.
We have never seriously discussed the possibility of him and I living together, and although I kind of would like to, I am afraid to. Part of me wants to just leave things as they are and not worry about it. I like our relationship. I love him and love spending time with him. However, I do not think I am ready to make that move. Even if it has been almost 4 years. Maybe part of me wants him to really show me that he's committed and make the first move. I think that I would feel better about it if I knew how he really felt about it.
After the whole let down with Kent after 5 years of dating then moving in together and then having it all fall apart, really within only a couple of months even though we dragged it on for several, I am scared. I know I shouldn't let what happened with Kent affect my the future of my relationship with Gerry, but I guess I never realized how much I was hurt by that whole situation. It's not fair to Gerry, though.
*sigh*
I just don't know. Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't I be young and not caring anymore and just go in whole-heartedly without worry of hurt? Where is that blissful ignorance of youth that would give me the courage to face my fears and plow through knowing that I would come out stronger on the other side, no matter what the outcome.
*arrrrrrrrrrgh*
I love my G, though. I can't imagine my life without him.