(no subject)
I'm not writing any of this because I am leaving John, or because he's leaving me. I'm going to write this out because I have so much I want to express but never find the right time to actually get it out.
In my opinion, when two people are in a relationship, they are looking for three main things: trust, friendship and love. With trust comes the responsibility of giving a part of yourself to someone, believing that they will take care of you and be there when needed. If you intend on being in a relationship, you can't go about doing things as though you are without another half. You shouldn't be thinking about everyone else and then your partner, at least that's not how I see it. When I'm with someone, I'm with that someone; Regardless of time or distance, he is constantly on my mind. I'm not saying that your entire world should revolve around your lover, it should be a balance of all things. You and your lover should be able to equally enjoy friends and events that don't include one another. I don't forget things that are important, like anniversaries, holidays or birthdays. Months before it's supposed to take place I'm planning to make it a special event for the both of us. I don't always expect such planning in return, but some consideration would be nice. When my day at work is finished, I look to my lover for a relaxing evening. While, yes, I can enjoy an evening alone with myself or perhaps with friends, I would rather be with my lover. Being with him makes me the happiest. Most importantly, though, you shouldn't always have to wonder what your lover is up to. (ie: Who they're with, What they're doing.) If you can't reach a balance where you are emotionally and physically capaple of being away from your lover without keeping constant tabs, then it's most likely not going to work out. Trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. Once you lose trust, regaining it will be quite a battle.
In able to trust someone, to be with someone in a relationship, they must first be your friend. Once you achieve companionship with someone you feel close to, a deeper more meaningful relationship is only expected. You can't disagree with that. In my lover I always look for things we share in common, like personality, taste in music, goals for the future, hobbies, other interests, etc. I can be friends with almost anyone, but when it comes to long-term relationships, I don't want to be with just anyone. My lover should always spark my interest or catch my eye. When he walks into a room, I want that moment to give me goosebumps or make my heart go pitter-patter. I want "us" to actually mean something. And yeah, that three-word phrase, I want to be able to say that, too. Everyone in a relationship should feel comfortable saying, "I love you" to their significant other. If you can't be able to express the love you feel, then there is no point to be feeling it with someone. This brings me to my final topic: love.
Love is always so hard to pinpoint. How do you explain it? What does it really mean? You could look it up and give me every single definition, but I don't think I'd be completely satisfied. Love is not only a definition, but a way to feel. You can love and not be in love, in my opinion. For instance, I love my family, but I do not feel so much for them that I could say I am in love with any one of them. I belive that is only a love that one can feel in relationships. Sex goes along with this, not because all platonic relationships are meaningless and without love, but because the bond you create with someone [during/after sex] is just a small piece of the pie. Yeah, those deep, meaningful pieces of pie, if you get my drift. (I'm not even sure I get my own drift.) Anyway, I remember a description of such in comments on a friend's journal entry. "sex isn't really about being horny -- at least for me it's not [though of course i get horny, too] -- but it is about creating a closeness to someone, a bond that is both physical and spiritual. and much much more. I have to include that because sex is indeed an important factor in my search for the ultimate definition of love. For some, and myself included when not looking for more, sex can be just sex. But when I'm in a relationship with someone, [again, one of those deep, meaningful ones!] I consider sex a pleasuring experience and value it also as a way of expressing my love. I know I've felt love before, but I want to really feel it again. I think I feel it now with John, but I'm yearning for something more... committed? I don't know how to explain it. What I want is more expression, I want to know what he really feels, instead of this guessing game. You can only assume so much.
He is another battle, another story waiting to unfold. I don't know what it's going to take to get him to unravel and show me everything he's made of. I want to know him inside and out. I want to be able to say, "John, I'm in love with you" and know he's going to say it too. We don't even tell each other that we love one another at this point, and I'm really wondering what's going to come of this. Is it going to change? Will he ever realize how I feel and what I want? Does he want the same thing? I don't know and it's starting to bother me more and more. I don't want to continue to fall for someone who doesn't know whether or not he can love me, for one reason or another. This relationship has had its fair share of kinks and problems along the way, but I don't want to give up. We've talked briefly every-so-often about this and I've always ended up confused. He doesn't want to say "I love you" until he really means it, but what is that supposed to mean exactly? He's distanced himself from me recently because of certain thing that bother him. I'm 19, he's turning 25 in October; I have a lot of growing up to do and he doesn't want to go through that again with someone (Whatever that's supposed to mean); he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be in a relationship (Don't take my word for this, it was a fly-by sort of conversation); he doesn't want to settle down (Who does after 8 months, anyway?), etc. If you ask me, most of that sounds like a load of crap. My first thought when I heard it was "This is just John's way of breaking up with me because he's a coward and doesn't want to hurt my feelings" but then I really wondered what his intentions truly are. Is he happy? Why did he say all of that and then completely turn around in the next few days to return to a normal, loveable John? I've never been one to totally agree with the fact that he wants to be in a committed relationship. His past relationships were held together by webs of lies and unfaithfulness, none of which I'd like to really concern myself with. I think he has changed enough over the years to maintain a committed relationship without fucking it up, but one can never be too sure. Of course, I always end up looking at myself and wondering why I'm with someone who has treated past lovers with such disrespect and ignorance. Why do I do it? Because there is so much good in him, a side he doesn't always let out unless it's behind closed doors. I believe in my heart of hearts that he can be in love with someone [again], but I don't know why he's not letting himself do it with me.
He has the ability to do everything I've described above, but he's not always consistant. I think that's what really bothers me. The inconsistancy in our relationship never seems to end. Granted, it's not all his fault, I suppose. I'll take the blame for a decent amount of nonsense he puts up with, whether it be me whining about his internet friends or my own insecurities. It's just that whenever we have problems, I'm the only one who seems to compromise. Changing completely for someone is ridiculous, but making small changes to benefit the "equilibrium" I was talking about earlier, is only a small sacrifice. I ask little of him when you think about it - be there when I need him, my favorite shoulder to cry on; remember our anniversary; to call when he says he will; be respectful, honest and faithful; spend time with me even if we have nothing planned; love and adore me for who I am; do things without me having to ask; be considerate and caring - all things you'd expect from someone in a relationship of your own. He is one of the most amazing people I've ever come across, male or female. And with all his faults, past and present, I can still say I love him.
I'll never get this right, but not that it should matter, though. No one ever has.
addendum: A note.
I don't care if you're 6 years older than me. You are what matters, not your age. Why is this all of a sudden such a problem? Sure, I may act like a brat occasionally and worry a lot - So sue me - When you're decietful, what do you expect in return, perfection? If you don't want to be tied down and you just want to fuck other women, which is how you came off, then why are you continuing this relationship? Correct me if I'm wrong, because I hate being wrong.
I love you.
If you can't handle reading this or the feelings it envokes, then perhaps you should [re]consider your options.
In my opinion, when two people are in a relationship, they are looking for three main things: trust, friendship and love. With trust comes the responsibility of giving a part of yourself to someone, believing that they will take care of you and be there when needed. If you intend on being in a relationship, you can't go about doing things as though you are without another half. You shouldn't be thinking about everyone else and then your partner, at least that's not how I see it. When I'm with someone, I'm with that someone; Regardless of time or distance, he is constantly on my mind. I'm not saying that your entire world should revolve around your lover, it should be a balance of all things. You and your lover should be able to equally enjoy friends and events that don't include one another. I don't forget things that are important, like anniversaries, holidays or birthdays. Months before it's supposed to take place I'm planning to make it a special event for the both of us. I don't always expect such planning in return, but some consideration would be nice. When my day at work is finished, I look to my lover for a relaxing evening. While, yes, I can enjoy an evening alone with myself or perhaps with friends, I would rather be with my lover. Being with him makes me the happiest. Most importantly, though, you shouldn't always have to wonder what your lover is up to. (ie: Who they're with, What they're doing.) If you can't reach a balance where you are emotionally and physically capaple of being away from your lover without keeping constant tabs, then it's most likely not going to work out. Trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. Once you lose trust, regaining it will be quite a battle.
In able to trust someone, to be with someone in a relationship, they must first be your friend. Once you achieve companionship with someone you feel close to, a deeper more meaningful relationship is only expected. You can't disagree with that. In my lover I always look for things we share in common, like personality, taste in music, goals for the future, hobbies, other interests, etc. I can be friends with almost anyone, but when it comes to long-term relationships, I don't want to be with just anyone. My lover should always spark my interest or catch my eye. When he walks into a room, I want that moment to give me goosebumps or make my heart go pitter-patter. I want "us" to actually mean something. And yeah, that three-word phrase, I want to be able to say that, too. Everyone in a relationship should feel comfortable saying, "I love you" to their significant other. If you can't be able to express the love you feel, then there is no point to be feeling it with someone. This brings me to my final topic: love.
Love is always so hard to pinpoint. How do you explain it? What does it really mean? You could look it up and give me every single definition, but I don't think I'd be completely satisfied. Love is not only a definition, but a way to feel. You can love and not be in love, in my opinion. For instance, I love my family, but I do not feel so much for them that I could say I am in love with any one of them. I belive that is only a love that one can feel in relationships. Sex goes along with this, not because all platonic relationships are meaningless and without love, but because the bond you create with someone [during/after sex] is just a small piece of the pie. Yeah, those deep, meaningful pieces of pie, if you get my drift. (I'm not even sure I get my own drift.) Anyway, I remember a description of such in comments on a friend's journal entry. "sex isn't really about being horny -- at least for me it's not [though of course i get horny, too] -- but it is about creating a closeness to someone, a bond that is both physical and spiritual. and much much more. I have to include that because sex is indeed an important factor in my search for the ultimate definition of love. For some, and myself included when not looking for more, sex can be just sex. But when I'm in a relationship with someone, [again, one of those deep, meaningful ones!] I consider sex a pleasuring experience and value it also as a way of expressing my love. I know I've felt love before, but I want to really feel it again. I think I feel it now with John, but I'm yearning for something more... committed? I don't know how to explain it. What I want is more expression, I want to know what he really feels, instead of this guessing game. You can only assume so much.
He is another battle, another story waiting to unfold. I don't know what it's going to take to get him to unravel and show me everything he's made of. I want to know him inside and out. I want to be able to say, "John, I'm in love with you" and know he's going to say it too. We don't even tell each other that we love one another at this point, and I'm really wondering what's going to come of this. Is it going to change? Will he ever realize how I feel and what I want? Does he want the same thing? I don't know and it's starting to bother me more and more. I don't want to continue to fall for someone who doesn't know whether or not he can love me, for one reason or another. This relationship has had its fair share of kinks and problems along the way, but I don't want to give up. We've talked briefly every-so-often about this and I've always ended up confused. He doesn't want to say "I love you" until he really means it, but what is that supposed to mean exactly? He's distanced himself from me recently because of certain thing that bother him. I'm 19, he's turning 25 in October; I have a lot of growing up to do and he doesn't want to go through that again with someone (Whatever that's supposed to mean); he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be in a relationship (Don't take my word for this, it was a fly-by sort of conversation); he doesn't want to settle down (Who does after 8 months, anyway?), etc. If you ask me, most of that sounds like a load of crap. My first thought when I heard it was "This is just John's way of breaking up with me because he's a coward and doesn't want to hurt my feelings" but then I really wondered what his intentions truly are. Is he happy? Why did he say all of that and then completely turn around in the next few days to return to a normal, loveable John? I've never been one to totally agree with the fact that he wants to be in a committed relationship. His past relationships were held together by webs of lies and unfaithfulness, none of which I'd like to really concern myself with. I think he has changed enough over the years to maintain a committed relationship without fucking it up, but one can never be too sure. Of course, I always end up looking at myself and wondering why I'm with someone who has treated past lovers with such disrespect and ignorance. Why do I do it? Because there is so much good in him, a side he doesn't always let out unless it's behind closed doors. I believe in my heart of hearts that he can be in love with someone [again], but I don't know why he's not letting himself do it with me.
He has the ability to do everything I've described above, but he's not always consistant. I think that's what really bothers me. The inconsistancy in our relationship never seems to end. Granted, it's not all his fault, I suppose. I'll take the blame for a decent amount of nonsense he puts up with, whether it be me whining about his internet friends or my own insecurities. It's just that whenever we have problems, I'm the only one who seems to compromise. Changing completely for someone is ridiculous, but making small changes to benefit the "equilibrium" I was talking about earlier, is only a small sacrifice. I ask little of him when you think about it - be there when I need him, my favorite shoulder to cry on; remember our anniversary; to call when he says he will; be respectful, honest and faithful; spend time with me even if we have nothing planned; love and adore me for who I am; do things without me having to ask; be considerate and caring - all things you'd expect from someone in a relationship of your own. He is one of the most amazing people I've ever come across, male or female. And with all his faults, past and present, I can still say I love him.
I'll never get this right, but not that it should matter, though. No one ever has.
addendum: A note.
I don't care if you're 6 years older than me. You are what matters, not your age. Why is this all of a sudden such a problem? Sure, I may act like a brat occasionally and worry a lot - So sue me - When you're decietful, what do you expect in return, perfection? If you don't want to be tied down and you just want to fuck other women, which is how you came off, then why are you continuing this relationship? Correct me if I'm wrong, because I hate being wrong.
I love you.
If you can't handle reading this or the feelings it envokes, then perhaps you should [re]consider your options.