Happy Chinese New Year..... maybe not so happy....
I am seeing a clearer picture of myself day by day.... Each time something fails, each time i understand myself better. U said u hate me for taking so long to realise we're not meant to be together...I felt that we've come juz far enough for me to not see bliss in the long run. You said things will be differnt. I say things will be the same. Now you want it your way...to start afresh. If i were to give in now, the future will be even more painful.
You say... it's not the duration that matters... it never did... It's how deep the affection has grown...I merely put a stop to it before it gets out of hand. It hurts now, u tell me u can compartmentalize everything... it's just a matter of whether u wan or not. If I had not put a stop to this.. u wouldn't even be able to 'compartmentalize' it.
You don't want to hear politically correct or soap drama lines like 'It affects me too...It's not much easier for me either....' Then what the hell is it that u wan me to say? That i enjoy leading people on and dump them? Like Mr Trophy collector from fridae? Fuck u understand? If u dun wan to hear the truth then so be it! I won't tell u! My feelings will simply be stuck deep in me, ur not the only person who can 'compartmentalise' things!
I thought things toned down.... i hoped for time to erode feelings... y did u have to call me to bring torrents of fury back? You said u wan me to focus on my NS life, wan me to get SOM, wan me to do well in brunei... do u still think i am up to it when i will be thinking about this unsettled business all these while?
You tell me u have not been dating for a year plus, was that my fault too? U say a part of u hates me for doing this, and ask me why i am doing this. You don't wan to hear me saying it's unintentional. So i presume u wan me to say I'm doing it for fun becoz I enjoy seeing people suffer? Don't u remember how u said I'm simple and nice? PILES OF BULLSHIT! And ALL THE FARKERS OUT THERE I'VE EVER DATED....Don't fucking say how nice and sweet I am while we're dating then when all the nice things are over, start to put me down and backstab me. Balless hypocrites... A man better be responsible for his own words.
I now see the colours of bastards who say all the sweet sweet stuff when life is all so nice.. when things turn bad.. they become the victims by default... yes yes.. your partner is always the bastards when YOU are the real chee bye!
I have a few friends in the AJ circle... i do hope it's more than acquaintance. Just like my str8 friends, I don't call my them during lunchtime just to chat, i dun even call them when i come back from overseas to just let them know I'm safe and back at home. TOO MANY FRIENDS! Think i so free go and call everyone ah? Not like they REALLY care anyway!
Back to compartmentalising things. I think I must be a guru at using my logical part of my brain. What happens to me and Fren A will not affect me and Fren B. So if i had a huge quarrel with A, B probably won't be able to detect that I'm still fucking affected by A. It takes alot of emotional strength. But I think i'm starting to lose it. When I finally cannot take it.. i probably will suffer a panic attack and get admitted to a hospital.
To all who bother to spend your precious time reading this entry... Happy new year huh? Maybe not so happy... Some fucking people simply like to screw around with others' lives.
You say... it's not the duration that matters... it never did... It's how deep the affection has grown...I merely put a stop to it before it gets out of hand. It hurts now, u tell me u can compartmentalize everything... it's just a matter of whether u wan or not. If I had not put a stop to this.. u wouldn't even be able to 'compartmentalize' it.
You don't want to hear politically correct or soap drama lines like 'It affects me too...It's not much easier for me either....' Then what the hell is it that u wan me to say? That i enjoy leading people on and dump them? Like Mr Trophy collector from fridae? Fuck u understand? If u dun wan to hear the truth then so be it! I won't tell u! My feelings will simply be stuck deep in me, ur not the only person who can 'compartmentalise' things!
I thought things toned down.... i hoped for time to erode feelings... y did u have to call me to bring torrents of fury back? You said u wan me to focus on my NS life, wan me to get SOM, wan me to do well in brunei... do u still think i am up to it when i will be thinking about this unsettled business all these while?
You tell me u have not been dating for a year plus, was that my fault too? U say a part of u hates me for doing this, and ask me why i am doing this. You don't wan to hear me saying it's unintentional. So i presume u wan me to say I'm doing it for fun becoz I enjoy seeing people suffer? Don't u remember how u said I'm simple and nice? PILES OF BULLSHIT! And ALL THE FARKERS OUT THERE I'VE EVER DATED....Don't fucking say how nice and sweet I am while we're dating then when all the nice things are over, start to put me down and backstab me. Balless hypocrites... A man better be responsible for his own words.
I now see the colours of bastards who say all the sweet sweet stuff when life is all so nice.. when things turn bad.. they become the victims by default... yes yes.. your partner is always the bastards when YOU are the real chee bye!
I have a few friends in the AJ circle... i do hope it's more than acquaintance. Just like my str8 friends, I don't call my them during lunchtime just to chat, i dun even call them when i come back from overseas to just let them know I'm safe and back at home. TOO MANY FRIENDS! Think i so free go and call everyone ah? Not like they REALLY care anyway!
Back to compartmentalising things. I think I must be a guru at using my logical part of my brain. What happens to me and Fren A will not affect me and Fren B. So if i had a huge quarrel with A, B probably won't be able to detect that I'm still fucking affected by A. It takes alot of emotional strength. But I think i'm starting to lose it. When I finally cannot take it.. i probably will suffer a panic attack and get admitted to a hospital.
To all who bother to spend your precious time reading this entry... Happy new year huh? Maybe not so happy... Some fucking people simply like to screw around with others' lives.