quite personal... sorry
just sitting in the library... stalling so that i don't have to write my "northanger abbey" essay that's not a REAL essay but more of an analysis. i'd rather talk about that book than write about it. ah well.
there's a lot i need to get off my chest, and it won't make much sense because i'm going to be purposely cryptic. just slightly.
last year around this time i was happier... it was before my nana had passed away and i felt like i was getting into a good year of school. and then that all went to shit and i had no one except for rachel and my family to keep me going, and i was lonely. looking back, i now see that i retreated into myself an became more independent in sorting out my thoughts and feelings. and by that i mean i learned to keep a lot of things to myself, and how to dissect and sift through all of the inner-workings of my mind. i started analyzing and internalizing absolutely everything, and i am thankful for that. i am a better thinker now, thanks to a combination of the shit i had to deal with last year and my film tv and society class, because they both made me look at the world, and my life differently. more critically, i suppose. and i can apply it to my schoolwork and have seen the results of this improvement in my thinking and analytical skills.
but at the same time, this reversion has changed the way i interact with other people. i like being around people who are engaging, because i feed off of that and can get along well with them. with these people i can try to pretend to be engaging back. but on the whole, i don't seek out the company of others, and i am starting to actually *feel* this now. there is a lack... a lack of closeness with others aside from a select few (my immediate family and rachel) and i don't know how to change this. all i know is that i want to. i want to have random hang outs, and i want people to enjoy my company, and like my being around. from about grade 11 until the beginning of school last year when my nana passed away, this was a major source of my happiness, and i have realized that i miss it. i know that it's not anyone else's fault but mine, and as much as i don't want to pull inside myself as i do anymore, the more i think about it, the more i do just that. i am fine when in contact with people who i'm forced to be with ie. classes, work, barb, but have so little drive to go out of my way to socialize that it worries me. and upsets me too.
i was trying to figure out why i loved this past frosh week so much, and i think that it's because i was in an environment where i was around people, and could stop being so introverted and loner-ish. it was a refreshing change, and despite the fact that i was sleep deprived and not eating properly, i was happy. content. had energy. was hopeful. i want that back. i want to change. and most of all i want the desire to. but i am holding myself back because i have experienced how hurtful it is to be brushed aside and forgotten by people i was close to, and need to find something to get me out of this. a springboard, if you will, because that's the best metaphor i've got at the moment.
being lonely is not fun. and rachel is far away.
i hate the white noise too...
there's a lot i need to get off my chest, and it won't make much sense because i'm going to be purposely cryptic. just slightly.
last year around this time i was happier... it was before my nana had passed away and i felt like i was getting into a good year of school. and then that all went to shit and i had no one except for rachel and my family to keep me going, and i was lonely. looking back, i now see that i retreated into myself an became more independent in sorting out my thoughts and feelings. and by that i mean i learned to keep a lot of things to myself, and how to dissect and sift through all of the inner-workings of my mind. i started analyzing and internalizing absolutely everything, and i am thankful for that. i am a better thinker now, thanks to a combination of the shit i had to deal with last year and my film tv and society class, because they both made me look at the world, and my life differently. more critically, i suppose. and i can apply it to my schoolwork and have seen the results of this improvement in my thinking and analytical skills.
but at the same time, this reversion has changed the way i interact with other people. i like being around people who are engaging, because i feed off of that and can get along well with them. with these people i can try to pretend to be engaging back. but on the whole, i don't seek out the company of others, and i am starting to actually *feel* this now. there is a lack... a lack of closeness with others aside from a select few (my immediate family and rachel) and i don't know how to change this. all i know is that i want to. i want to have random hang outs, and i want people to enjoy my company, and like my being around. from about grade 11 until the beginning of school last year when my nana passed away, this was a major source of my happiness, and i have realized that i miss it. i know that it's not anyone else's fault but mine, and as much as i don't want to pull inside myself as i do anymore, the more i think about it, the more i do just that. i am fine when in contact with people who i'm forced to be with ie. classes, work, barb, but have so little drive to go out of my way to socialize that it worries me. and upsets me too.
i was trying to figure out why i loved this past frosh week so much, and i think that it's because i was in an environment where i was around people, and could stop being so introverted and loner-ish. it was a refreshing change, and despite the fact that i was sleep deprived and not eating properly, i was happy. content. had energy. was hopeful. i want that back. i want to change. and most of all i want the desire to. but i am holding myself back because i have experienced how hurtful it is to be brushed aside and forgotten by people i was close to, and need to find something to get me out of this. a springboard, if you will, because that's the best metaphor i've got at the moment.
being lonely is not fun. and rachel is far away.
i hate the white noise too...