"I don't want truth...I want magic"
My emotional state can be summed up as the graph of:
y= sin(5x)
Lately it seems like everything is wavering between being really good and wretched. And every time I think I've reached a lasting state of really good I get slapped back to wretched. Tonight I had one of the most uplifting conversations I've had in a really long time. I swear, Julia and I are living the same life. I felt so reassured and confident about the decisions I'm making, and she put alot of my doubts to rest by virtue of the fact that she's going through alot of the same stuff that I am. Also I had awesome time at accountability. I know to alot of people it might seem silly but it's truly the highlight of my week. I don't know as much as I'd like about the detail of the Bible so it's cool to hear verses that actually apply to our lives. And to just hang out and talk and get off topic (sex talk next week...i'm so excited).
Tonight I did my 6 H's (heritage, hard times, high times, hand of God, heroes, high school). One person talks about themselves at the end of each week and this was my week. I said that my dad was my hero, which is true. I wrote all this out in my last post so I won't repeat it. But basically because he's so intelligent, and generous, and throughout my life he has made sure that I know beyond doubt that he loves me unconditionally.
He truly is my hero.
SO at the end of accountability I was feeling really uplifted. Of course, that didn't last very long. Because accountability ran a little late and I helped Julia clean up stuff from dinner (she was my ride home and she helped me last week), I got home closer to 9 than 8:45, which is when I told my dad I'd be home. To me this mere 10 minutes or so didn't seem terribly important, and since my dad knew I was at accountability I figured he'd know that I wasn't out roaming the streets of Houston or something. Well, the first words he says to me in angry Swedish when he opens the door - "Where have you been?" So I tell him, accountability. "Well, you should have been home by now! And you don't even have the decency to turn your phone on!" I don't know what to say to this unexpected attack, so I just answer with "You're right dad. I'm sorry. I should have had my phone on or called." Without hesitation he shoots back, "I know I'm right! Now go upstairs and do your homework!"
I don't think he knows how much he affects me. I'm such a daddy's girl and his words were like a slap in the face, completely unexpected. There was nothing but anger in his voice, no desire to hear an explanation. It seemed so unreasonable to me and yet he thinks he's always right. Therefore, he is. The ironic part of all this is that we had been talking about female submission and how it was completely ridiculous, and then as soon as I step through the door, what do I do? Submit to the (wrongly placed) anger of my father. All this about 20 minutes after I had been talking about how he's such an inspiration and influence to me. I felt like he should subliminally know this, but I know that's unreasonable.
I guess I just hate how I can feel so happy and then it only takes one moment to send me crashing down again. It's the extremes that get to me. Apathy would be easier.
y= sin(5x)
Lately it seems like everything is wavering between being really good and wretched. And every time I think I've reached a lasting state of really good I get slapped back to wretched. Tonight I had one of the most uplifting conversations I've had in a really long time. I swear, Julia and I are living the same life. I felt so reassured and confident about the decisions I'm making, and she put alot of my doubts to rest by virtue of the fact that she's going through alot of the same stuff that I am. Also I had awesome time at accountability. I know to alot of people it might seem silly but it's truly the highlight of my week. I don't know as much as I'd like about the detail of the Bible so it's cool to hear verses that actually apply to our lives. And to just hang out and talk and get off topic (sex talk next week...i'm so excited).
Tonight I did my 6 H's (heritage, hard times, high times, hand of God, heroes, high school). One person talks about themselves at the end of each week and this was my week. I said that my dad was my hero, which is true. I wrote all this out in my last post so I won't repeat it. But basically because he's so intelligent, and generous, and throughout my life he has made sure that I know beyond doubt that he loves me unconditionally.
He truly is my hero.
SO at the end of accountability I was feeling really uplifted. Of course, that didn't last very long. Because accountability ran a little late and I helped Julia clean up stuff from dinner (she was my ride home and she helped me last week), I got home closer to 9 than 8:45, which is when I told my dad I'd be home. To me this mere 10 minutes or so didn't seem terribly important, and since my dad knew I was at accountability I figured he'd know that I wasn't out roaming the streets of Houston or something. Well, the first words he says to me in angry Swedish when he opens the door - "Where have you been?" So I tell him, accountability. "Well, you should have been home by now! And you don't even have the decency to turn your phone on!" I don't know what to say to this unexpected attack, so I just answer with "You're right dad. I'm sorry. I should have had my phone on or called." Without hesitation he shoots back, "I know I'm right! Now go upstairs and do your homework!"
I don't think he knows how much he affects me. I'm such a daddy's girl and his words were like a slap in the face, completely unexpected. There was nothing but anger in his voice, no desire to hear an explanation. It seemed so unreasonable to me and yet he thinks he's always right. Therefore, he is. The ironic part of all this is that we had been talking about female submission and how it was completely ridiculous, and then as soon as I step through the door, what do I do? Submit to the (wrongly placed) anger of my father. All this about 20 minutes after I had been talking about how he's such an inspiration and influence to me. I felt like he should subliminally know this, but I know that's unreasonable.
I guess I just hate how I can feel so happy and then it only takes one moment to send me crashing down again. It's the extremes that get to me. Apathy would be easier.