I saw a life preserver on the side of the Long Island Expressway yesterday. I guess the person using it was eaten by a land shark before AAA could rescue them.
A person walking their dog this morning had put the poor beast in what appeared to be a body glove. He looked like a cocktail wiener with legs.
Coffee containers are designed with a microscopic crack right at the place where a battery of laboratory tests have proven most people place their lower lips upon.
A new bill is being introduced in Congress that will allow me to personally execute people who speak excessively in movie theaters. Republicans want to attach a tax break for Mel Gibson, Democrats want to attach a tax break for Steven Spielberg.