(no subject)
26.9.6- Walking at night
She always ends up walking alone in the end- she sees it in her mind; some facts can be changed perhaps just a little- some facts can be shifted into something better… But some things are definite; certain and cold in the hard eyes of the universe- some things cannot be changed; call it destiny or whatever- facts are still facts.
Because she will always walk alone- looking back now she can see that she was even as a child; though perhaps it wasn’t so much her fault back then- it was her ability and her parents reaction to it; back then control was fleeting and she always had to worry about touching a friend and seeing their tragic death, about wasting her ability on trivial matters and not being able to bring in the money. It wasn’t really her fault then- just her parents and the lack of control that tugged her away from the life of a normal child.
That excuse faded with time though- she hates Beranabus, loathes the man- but her did at least teach her some control; taught her how to make the visions slightly less prone to ripping through her head and knocking her out for most of the day. But then she had the excuse of demons- of being far away from humanity; a distant protector and not a normal teenage girl. She supposes now that she could’ve bonded with Beranabus- but he took her and broke her and she hated him for it; neither of them would’ve taken well to bonding.
Then there was Loss- but she was still alone there; this time her excuses crumbling like an old wall that’s seen too much use. She only just about managed to cling to the excuse of being one human among many demons- but Loss was practically human minded anyway and while some of the demons were truly terrible some treated her like a equal; but still she had to distance herself- still she had to stand alone in the cold.
But now… now her walls have fully crumbled; what with the promises that Meera and Dervish (and even Bill-E for god’s sake) represent and the chance of a proper home; now her lies are being stripped away and her walls are falling- no matter what happens she won’t be alone; if she throws in her lot with the Disciples again and manages not to reveal everything she’ll have the friendship of many, if she throws in her lot with the disciples again and gets discovered at least she’ll be respected as a fighter and if she stays where she is Loss will welcome her back with open arms. She never has to be alone again.
Yet she has to stay- cold and alone and staring hungrily in at what could’ve been; she isn’t allowed to be happy- she isn’t allowed to have a home.
The visions said so after all; she must walk her cold path alone for eternity- facts are facts, and this is how it has to be.
She always ends up walking alone in the end- she sees it in her mind; some facts can be changed perhaps just a little- some facts can be shifted into something better… But some things are definite; certain and cold in the hard eyes of the universe- some things cannot be changed; call it destiny or whatever- facts are still facts.
Because she will always walk alone- looking back now she can see that she was even as a child; though perhaps it wasn’t so much her fault back then- it was her ability and her parents reaction to it; back then control was fleeting and she always had to worry about touching a friend and seeing their tragic death, about wasting her ability on trivial matters and not being able to bring in the money. It wasn’t really her fault then- just her parents and the lack of control that tugged her away from the life of a normal child.
That excuse faded with time though- she hates Beranabus, loathes the man- but her did at least teach her some control; taught her how to make the visions slightly less prone to ripping through her head and knocking her out for most of the day. But then she had the excuse of demons- of being far away from humanity; a distant protector and not a normal teenage girl. She supposes now that she could’ve bonded with Beranabus- but he took her and broke her and she hated him for it; neither of them would’ve taken well to bonding.
Then there was Loss- but she was still alone there; this time her excuses crumbling like an old wall that’s seen too much use. She only just about managed to cling to the excuse of being one human among many demons- but Loss was practically human minded anyway and while some of the demons were truly terrible some treated her like a equal; but still she had to distance herself- still she had to stand alone in the cold.
But now… now her walls have fully crumbled; what with the promises that Meera and Dervish (and even Bill-E for god’s sake) represent and the chance of a proper home; now her lies are being stripped away and her walls are falling- no matter what happens she won’t be alone; if she throws in her lot with the Disciples again and manages not to reveal everything she’ll have the friendship of many, if she throws in her lot with the disciples again and gets discovered at least she’ll be respected as a fighter and if she stays where she is Loss will welcome her back with open arms. She never has to be alone again.
Yet she has to stay- cold and alone and staring hungrily in at what could’ve been; she isn’t allowed to be happy- she isn’t allowed to have a home.
The visions said so after all; she must walk her cold path alone for eternity- facts are facts, and this is how it has to be.