(no subject)
so..
i'm feeling a bit odd this evening..
matthew and i met with kris, alan, and lucy today for a short drink, and some people were supposedly going out tonight.. and i kinda thought, oh i won't bother going back out, but matthew tells me i'll probably enjoy it, it'd be good to get out and all that. (and i tend to trust matthew's word to my own feelings on things like this, he's always right) however, after texting a few people to see if they'll join us.. i find myself not wanting to go out at all.
and i'm having trouble figuring out why.
i'm just sitting here feeling a bit gloomy.
i'm afraid i still have a few problems with the way the course ended and the grade i recieved. which bothers me.. but i'm afraid its just how i feel. i feel its a bit of a shame i performed so badly at the one presentation that really mattered.. after working so very hard for three years. and i wonder if anyone else thinks this.. but i don't want to ask the tutors. because i know exactly what i did (or shall i say didn't do) at my presentation..
sigh
so i feel a bit inadequate and a bit soured on the idea of making art.. or looking at it, even, at the moment.
matthew also points out that he used to feel reluctant to join college social things after graduating because the same questions are asked.. so how are you? what are you doing? and i, of course, am still searching for a job.
maybe i'd find it easier if i wasn't the youngest person going.. i couldn't get any of the young people to join the party. the next youngest person is almost twice my age.
its probably a combination of lots of these things.
on the plus side, matthew met with alan and discussed alot of things that were worrying matthew about this job.. which looks like it will happen, but not on a solid contract.. which is fine for both parties i think.. so that's good, he's feeling a lot more solid about it all i think.
matthew was really sweet yesterday.. said he had something planned, a surprise.. took me on a train all the way to london just to see a showing of Harry Potter (the third one).. cause i've been really wanting to see it.. we missed a showing in cornwall, and i think he realized how much i really did want to see it.. (i'd sorta been going on at him since the film came out..) but of course it was really hard to find it showing anywhere but london - and matthew said it was the last night they were showing it there, even.
so that was really nice..
bit of a shame i started my period the same day..
its been making me feel crappy for a couple days this time.. made me seriously moody, and i've had some crazy headache for over 36 hours.
apart from the weird melancholy of this evening, i've been alright.. chasing up the few jobs i've applied for recently.. letting them know i really want the jobs.. that sort of thing, and the paper comes out tomorrow..
been feeling a bit bad i haven't called my sister in a really really long time.. and fuzz.. it was his birthday a week or so ago.. emily's soon.. and my dads...
i've been trying to read again.. restarting Bill Bryson's notes from a small island.. simply cause its really easy to relate..
anyway
over and out.
i'm feeling a bit odd this evening..
matthew and i met with kris, alan, and lucy today for a short drink, and some people were supposedly going out tonight.. and i kinda thought, oh i won't bother going back out, but matthew tells me i'll probably enjoy it, it'd be good to get out and all that. (and i tend to trust matthew's word to my own feelings on things like this, he's always right) however, after texting a few people to see if they'll join us.. i find myself not wanting to go out at all.
and i'm having trouble figuring out why.
i'm just sitting here feeling a bit gloomy.
i'm afraid i still have a few problems with the way the course ended and the grade i recieved. which bothers me.. but i'm afraid its just how i feel. i feel its a bit of a shame i performed so badly at the one presentation that really mattered.. after working so very hard for three years. and i wonder if anyone else thinks this.. but i don't want to ask the tutors. because i know exactly what i did (or shall i say didn't do) at my presentation..
sigh
so i feel a bit inadequate and a bit soured on the idea of making art.. or looking at it, even, at the moment.
matthew also points out that he used to feel reluctant to join college social things after graduating because the same questions are asked.. so how are you? what are you doing? and i, of course, am still searching for a job.
maybe i'd find it easier if i wasn't the youngest person going.. i couldn't get any of the young people to join the party. the next youngest person is almost twice my age.
its probably a combination of lots of these things.
on the plus side, matthew met with alan and discussed alot of things that were worrying matthew about this job.. which looks like it will happen, but not on a solid contract.. which is fine for both parties i think.. so that's good, he's feeling a lot more solid about it all i think.
matthew was really sweet yesterday.. said he had something planned, a surprise.. took me on a train all the way to london just to see a showing of Harry Potter (the third one).. cause i've been really wanting to see it.. we missed a showing in cornwall, and i think he realized how much i really did want to see it.. (i'd sorta been going on at him since the film came out..) but of course it was really hard to find it showing anywhere but london - and matthew said it was the last night they were showing it there, even.
so that was really nice..
bit of a shame i started my period the same day..
its been making me feel crappy for a couple days this time.. made me seriously moody, and i've had some crazy headache for over 36 hours.
apart from the weird melancholy of this evening, i've been alright.. chasing up the few jobs i've applied for recently.. letting them know i really want the jobs.. that sort of thing, and the paper comes out tomorrow..
been feeling a bit bad i haven't called my sister in a really really long time.. and fuzz.. it was his birthday a week or so ago.. emily's soon.. and my dads...
i've been trying to read again.. restarting Bill Bryson's notes from a small island.. simply cause its really easy to relate..
anyway
over and out.