"...But people look well in the dark"
I'm not so sure I should write this at all in a place that will be read. People write about their insecurities and about the things that they feel are good about them on their journals all the time though. Me? I've been struggling with how I look and how people perceive the way I look. (I hate discussing the way I look because I love the way I look...)
In a perfect world, I'd give off a tough-girl vibe and no man, beast, or demon would try to hurt me because my inner strength would be personified through my appearance. So then, logically proceeding from that, only the already strong (the men, beasts, and demons) and those that are weak and in need of strength (recovering men, beasts, and demons) would seek to befriend me. Keep in mind that this is not a perfect world.
There have been so many signs that reaffirm that I am seen as "traditionally beautiful". Blue eyes, blonde hair, and an affinity for wearing dresses doesn't help my case at all. I've been hit on, overheard that I've been referred to as "the hot girl", and gotten creepy online messages about wanting to video skype me. Needless to say, although I appreciate praise, I want to be seen for my strength or skill with words, not my traditional feminine looks.
As a side note, though, I must say that the attention would be amazing if only the guys giving said attention were attractive. Then again, for a guy to be my type, he'd be sly enough to keep his attention discreet...or at least less creepy.
And what can I do from my perspective of this equation? It makes me want to go get piercings, tattoos, and dye my hair. *Anything* to give off a more tough persona! I'm sick of people assuming I'm an unable, weak, senseless girl. In reality, I tend to think of myself more as a man stuck with a female body. For the longest time, I thought I needed that pink and blue hair dye to help protect me! I'm scared to walk alone at night because of my blonde hair...that's what it comes down to, practically.
What do I want in this world? Good conversation. Resembling something conventionally attractive won't get me anything like that.
Poem:
You say you love destruction, violence,
And can karate chop bricks with your mind
Every wandering eye is shocked
When they discover your battle cry.
You live in a sunshine state,
Where paths are marked
In technicolor. But your
Candy-striped shell is
Making sure to lean every abusive
Cloud, myth about self-
Effacement, and horrible habit
Against your dreams.
Better safe than sorry.
At least a battered, worn streetwalker
Doesn't have fear of being raped.
Today, I spent pretty much ALL day standing around, singing, and practicing walking in and walking out. My back still hurts. Choir rehearsal for an *astounding* performance on Sunday, methinks?
And tonight was our Christmas party for our Intervarsity group. (Intervarsity's like a bible study group thing.) Yay for dressing up and doing Edie Sedgwick inspired makeup. And meeting people!
Katrina
Ps- I swear I'm becoming obsessed with that song "After Hours" by Velvet Underground.
Pps- Gah, kinksplot! *pokes spicyhippofood * It's good stuff, man...I tell ya.
In a perfect world, I'd give off a tough-girl vibe and no man, beast, or demon would try to hurt me because my inner strength would be personified through my appearance. So then, logically proceeding from that, only the already strong (the men, beasts, and demons) and those that are weak and in need of strength (recovering men, beasts, and demons) would seek to befriend me. Keep in mind that this is not a perfect world.
There have been so many signs that reaffirm that I am seen as "traditionally beautiful". Blue eyes, blonde hair, and an affinity for wearing dresses doesn't help my case at all. I've been hit on, overheard that I've been referred to as "the hot girl", and gotten creepy online messages about wanting to video skype me. Needless to say, although I appreciate praise, I want to be seen for my strength or skill with words, not my traditional feminine looks.
As a side note, though, I must say that the attention would be amazing if only the guys giving said attention were attractive. Then again, for a guy to be my type, he'd be sly enough to keep his attention discreet...or at least less creepy.
And what can I do from my perspective of this equation? It makes me want to go get piercings, tattoos, and dye my hair. *Anything* to give off a more tough persona! I'm sick of people assuming I'm an unable, weak, senseless girl. In reality, I tend to think of myself more as a man stuck with a female body. For the longest time, I thought I needed that pink and blue hair dye to help protect me! I'm scared to walk alone at night because of my blonde hair...that's what it comes down to, practically.
What do I want in this world? Good conversation. Resembling something conventionally attractive won't get me anything like that.
Poem:
You say you love destruction, violence,
And can karate chop bricks with your mind
Every wandering eye is shocked
When they discover your battle cry.
You live in a sunshine state,
Where paths are marked
In technicolor. But your
Candy-striped shell is
Making sure to lean every abusive
Cloud, myth about self-
Effacement, and horrible habit
Against your dreams.
Better safe than sorry.
At least a battered, worn streetwalker
Doesn't have fear of being raped.
Today, I spent pretty much ALL day standing around, singing, and practicing walking in and walking out. My back still hurts. Choir rehearsal for an *astounding* performance on Sunday, methinks?
And tonight was our Christmas party for our Intervarsity group. (Intervarsity's like a bible study group thing.) Yay for dressing up and doing Edie Sedgwick inspired makeup. And meeting people!
Katrina
Ps- I swear I'm becoming obsessed with that song "After Hours" by Velvet Underground.
Pps- Gah, kinksplot! *pokes spicyhippofood * It's good stuff, man...I tell ya.