Asshole of the Day 11/19/11
Asshole of the Day 11/19/11
Source: OKCupid
Method of Communication: Private e-mail messages through the site
Type(s) of Fail: Complete failure to process anything I said, fallacy of appeal to authority, attempts to shame me when I didn't appreciate his approach
Result: Blocked him
What you may need to know: So, for your reference, here's the first paragraph of my profile on OKCupid (after a statement that says I'm a writer, not just a person who writes):
"Hi guys. If you're looking at my profile because you're hoping I will date you or sex you, stop right there. No, really. Stop. We are not what each other are looking for. Honestly, I am trying to help you not waste your time or mine.
OKC's awesome for social networking and friends. It has those categories, you know, and I've been using it--successfully--for that stuff since 2005. Is that what you're here for? AWESOME! Keep reading! Are you looking for a girlfriend or sex partner? Not me. Don't feel bad! You're not what I'm looking for either! ::pats your head::"
So, in other words, it's pretty fucking obvious that I'm not there for a romantic or sexual relationship, right? Further down I discuss aromantic asexuality, but I wait to do that after I've discussed some things I find more important. Anyway.
I renamed this guy for your pleasure.
His first message:
DatingIsCompulsory: Hey you :)
[Yep, that was the whole first message. So I returned with this:]
swankivy: Hey me?
His next message:
DatingIsCompulsory: Yes! Lol how are you?!
[I really hate conversations that are basically "what's up lol?" over and over again. So if it was going to turn into that, I wanted to nip it in the bud.]
swankivy: I guess I'm doing all right . . . did you have a message besides "hey"? I'm not trying to be unfriendly, but I get an awful lot of messages from people who never say more than "hey lol whats up yeah so how are you." You probably figured it out from my profile if you read it, but I like content, so . . . ?
His next message:
DatingIsCompulsory: Yeah. I did read your profile, and I too, am looking for someone to spend time with (no games). The mature ones are usually older than I.
[Great, now I must be mature because I'm ten years older than he is but don't look like it. I'm not sure where he gets that I'm looking for "no games"--I don't think I discussed anything like that because it goes without saying--and I think he took a shot in the dark actually.]
So, me:
swankivy: I'm not really "looking for someone to spend time with." I kinda have a shortage of time. But I really like having good conversations, and good conversations usually lead to good friendships and whatnot. I don't like the endless circle of content-less conversations, and they usually do start like ours did (a lot of what's up and what's going on and lol and so how you doin)--but on the other hand, a lot of people start with short messages because so many folks on this site don't write back and they don't want to waste their time contacting someone who isn't paying attention. That's why I ask.
So, if there's something you think we have in common or something interesting you want to talk about that led you to strike up a conversation with me, I'll listen.
His next message:
DatingIsCompulsory: By spend time, I mean relationship. I am capable of minting intelligent conversations.
I messages you because you seem very mature and responsible. I like the fact that you're a writer. It shows creativity and open-mindedness. I adore that feature in women.
[Note now none of this sounds like he is actually capable of "minting" intelligent conversations. I doubt he is basing my "maturity" on anything but my age, and as you can see he's clearly defining what he's looking for as a "relationship." This is not going well.]
Me again:
swankivy: If you're talking about "relationship" in the traditional way (as in, romance), and are talking to me because you're thinking our conversation has the possibility of turning into one of those, then I'm having trouble believing the part where you said you read my profile.
Here's the problem. You wrote "I, too, am looking for someone to spend time with."
And then you wrote that "spend time with" means "have a relationship with."
That doesn't go with "I, too." I am not looking for that. Not even in the slightest. So that's not a "me too." Are you saying you read my profile and you missed that, or is this a really big misunderstanding?
Now watch this.
DatingIsCompulsory: I didn't miss that, I just worded it in a way that makes sense to me. I wouldn't message you looking for anything less because your bio is very specific. Spending time with someone, in my definition, means taking things slow and enjoying each others company...
[What does any of this even mean? Yes, my bio is very specific, and it is specifically talking about NOT wanting what you're talking about here! I don't get how he can say he "didn't miss that" and then goes on to talk about HIS wording. What?]
Me again:
swankivy: I like enjoying company too, but I am not looking for any kind of romance--not now, not after a long time, not "taking things slow" toward that end, never. And because a bunch of your messages have been vague while suggesting you are looking for a romance (eventually or not), I'm not sure what that has to do with me unless you're hoping to go in that direction with me, beginning with the vehicle of these messages.
My bio IS very specific--about not wanting any kind of sexual or romantic relationship. I'm not following what you mean by "I wouldn't message you looking for anything less." Less than what, and what constitutes "less"?
[And now I get blamed, of course.]
Now watch this.
DatingIsCompulsory: Alright. I believe your expectations are a bit high and maybe that's why you've been a member so long. Lol
[blink blink]
I'll let my response speak for itself.
swankivy: My expectations? For what? My expectations have included, all along, straight up, that I am only here for friendships. I do not want a romantic or sexual relationship ever and I am upfront about that. In my time here since 2005, I have met over fifty people, many of whom are still good friends with me, and we hang out all the time. That is exactly what I was here for, and what I continue to be here for. Nothing else.
So what about my continued attendance here makes you think I'm somehow failing to fulfill my "expectations," and why did you try to use it to make fun of me? I'm assuming I'll continue to maintain a profile here unless the site goes under, and I'll continue meeting the cool people I've been successfully connecting with all along.
You seem terribly slow to catch on if you actually think I've "been a member so long" because I've failed to find what I wanted.
[Cue the flailing! Oh god she said I was slow! I think I'll rant about it and throw in another misinterpretation of what she's saying!]
Now watch this.
DatingIsCompulsory: Make it fun for you? Is there a massive sign on my profile that says I make every convo fun? No. You're pre-judging me, asserting that I am slow? You don't know me, or anything I've gone through in my life. Your profile says you've met over 50 people that ended up being friends... Ever stop and think... "maybe it's me"
I'm sorry I am completely turned off. As a psychology major, you are one with unrealistic expectations and you'll never be satisfied with any good person that's offered you a chance. Ever wonder why you're 33 and single? I'm 22 and single but at least I've been single for a week, and attempted to be kind to you. I feel completely attacked by you.
Good luck.
[Got that? 1. I'm attacking him. 2. I said he made fun of me, and he misread somehow and is wailing about my expectations of a fun conversation. 3. Argument from authority: he's majoring in psych and therefore he gets to decide what an appropriate set of expectations should be (and considering mine are "expecting people to read my profile and believe what it says," I don't think I'm out of line). 4. What a great technique--remind the girl how long she's been single and use it as an automatic proof of her failure as a human being! 5. OMG I'M NOT PATHETIC I'VE ONLY BEEN SINGLE FOR A WEEK BUT YOU, JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF GIRL, LOL!]
Anyway. Bet you want to see what I said.
swankivy: This is why I said you're slow. I WANT TO BE SINGLE. FOREVER. I'm sorry you're having such trouble processing that, but it is true. I said so ABSOLUTELY OBVIOUSLY in my FIRST PARAGRAPH.
You continue to belittle me for only finding friends even though I'm repeatedly, specifically telling you THAT'S ALL I WANT.
I don't ever "wonder" why I'm 33 and single, no. I imagine it's because I want to be. If it's something I specifically want, it's not really something I have to devote time to wondering about.
And now you're saying I'm attacking YOU? Wow. Well, keep it up. I recommend actually reading, and processing, what people say instead of pretending you understand. I didn't hide any of this and you're acting like it's a revelation that I want to be single. I'm an aromantic asexual. That's what aromantic asexuals do--stay single, because they want to, and because they aren't attracted to other people. Don't get it? Not willing to process it? Not willing to believe you're not the exception? Just plain not interested in imagining other people don't all think like you and want what you want?
Then good luck, dude. If you have trouble processing what I just said, all I can say is my profile--which you claim to have read and "liked"--spells all of this out in painstakingly simple language. My mailbox is no longer available to you, so if you have questions, I refer you to what I've already written about myself. Ta!
Note: I didn't say to "make it fun for me." I said you "made fun of me." Maybe your first language isn't English--that would explain some of the really severe miscommunications here--and if that is the case, I have better understanding but still don't excuse you for pretending to have processed what I said.
[I don't actually think he's not a native speaker of English. His sentence structure doesn't read like a non-native speaker even though he's making glaring spelling mistakes sometimes and he definitely demonstrates a rather profound failure in reading comprehension. I didn't look at his profile to see what languages he speaks. I'm pretty sure this is just the usual outright refusal to process ideas that seem foreign, and a tendency to skim instead of actually comprehending those pesky WORDS and all.]
Source: OKCupid
Method of Communication: Private e-mail messages through the site
Type(s) of Fail: Complete failure to process anything I said, fallacy of appeal to authority, attempts to shame me when I didn't appreciate his approach
Result: Blocked him
What you may need to know: So, for your reference, here's the first paragraph of my profile on OKCupid (after a statement that says I'm a writer, not just a person who writes):
"Hi guys. If you're looking at my profile because you're hoping I will date you or sex you, stop right there. No, really. Stop. We are not what each other are looking for. Honestly, I am trying to help you not waste your time or mine.
OKC's awesome for social networking and friends. It has those categories, you know, and I've been using it--successfully--for that stuff since 2005. Is that what you're here for? AWESOME! Keep reading! Are you looking for a girlfriend or sex partner? Not me. Don't feel bad! You're not what I'm looking for either! ::pats your head::"
So, in other words, it's pretty fucking obvious that I'm not there for a romantic or sexual relationship, right? Further down I discuss aromantic asexuality, but I wait to do that after I've discussed some things I find more important. Anyway.
I renamed this guy for your pleasure.
His first message:
DatingIsCompulsory: Hey you :)
[Yep, that was the whole first message. So I returned with this:]
swankivy: Hey me?
His next message:
DatingIsCompulsory: Yes! Lol how are you?!
[I really hate conversations that are basically "what's up lol?" over and over again. So if it was going to turn into that, I wanted to nip it in the bud.]
swankivy: I guess I'm doing all right . . . did you have a message besides "hey"? I'm not trying to be unfriendly, but I get an awful lot of messages from people who never say more than "hey lol whats up yeah so how are you." You probably figured it out from my profile if you read it, but I like content, so . . . ?
His next message:
DatingIsCompulsory: Yeah. I did read your profile, and I too, am looking for someone to spend time with (no games). The mature ones are usually older than I.
[Great, now I must be mature because I'm ten years older than he is but don't look like it. I'm not sure where he gets that I'm looking for "no games"--I don't think I discussed anything like that because it goes without saying--and I think he took a shot in the dark actually.]
So, me:
swankivy: I'm not really "looking for someone to spend time with." I kinda have a shortage of time. But I really like having good conversations, and good conversations usually lead to good friendships and whatnot. I don't like the endless circle of content-less conversations, and they usually do start like ours did (a lot of what's up and what's going on and lol and so how you doin)--but on the other hand, a lot of people start with short messages because so many folks on this site don't write back and they don't want to waste their time contacting someone who isn't paying attention. That's why I ask.
So, if there's something you think we have in common or something interesting you want to talk about that led you to strike up a conversation with me, I'll listen.
His next message:
DatingIsCompulsory: By spend time, I mean relationship. I am capable of minting intelligent conversations.
I messages you because you seem very mature and responsible. I like the fact that you're a writer. It shows creativity and open-mindedness. I adore that feature in women.
[Note now none of this sounds like he is actually capable of "minting" intelligent conversations. I doubt he is basing my "maturity" on anything but my age, and as you can see he's clearly defining what he's looking for as a "relationship." This is not going well.]
Me again:
swankivy: If you're talking about "relationship" in the traditional way (as in, romance), and are talking to me because you're thinking our conversation has the possibility of turning into one of those, then I'm having trouble believing the part where you said you read my profile.
Here's the problem. You wrote "I, too, am looking for someone to spend time with."
And then you wrote that "spend time with" means "have a relationship with."
That doesn't go with "I, too." I am not looking for that. Not even in the slightest. So that's not a "me too." Are you saying you read my profile and you missed that, or is this a really big misunderstanding?
Now watch this.
DatingIsCompulsory: I didn't miss that, I just worded it in a way that makes sense to me. I wouldn't message you looking for anything less because your bio is very specific. Spending time with someone, in my definition, means taking things slow and enjoying each others company...
[What does any of this even mean? Yes, my bio is very specific, and it is specifically talking about NOT wanting what you're talking about here! I don't get how he can say he "didn't miss that" and then goes on to talk about HIS wording. What?]
Me again:
swankivy: I like enjoying company too, but I am not looking for any kind of romance--not now, not after a long time, not "taking things slow" toward that end, never. And because a bunch of your messages have been vague while suggesting you are looking for a romance (eventually or not), I'm not sure what that has to do with me unless you're hoping to go in that direction with me, beginning with the vehicle of these messages.
My bio IS very specific--about not wanting any kind of sexual or romantic relationship. I'm not following what you mean by "I wouldn't message you looking for anything less." Less than what, and what constitutes "less"?
[And now I get blamed, of course.]
Now watch this.
DatingIsCompulsory: Alright. I believe your expectations are a bit high and maybe that's why you've been a member so long. Lol
[blink blink]
I'll let my response speak for itself.
swankivy: My expectations? For what? My expectations have included, all along, straight up, that I am only here for friendships. I do not want a romantic or sexual relationship ever and I am upfront about that. In my time here since 2005, I have met over fifty people, many of whom are still good friends with me, and we hang out all the time. That is exactly what I was here for, and what I continue to be here for. Nothing else.
So what about my continued attendance here makes you think I'm somehow failing to fulfill my "expectations," and why did you try to use it to make fun of me? I'm assuming I'll continue to maintain a profile here unless the site goes under, and I'll continue meeting the cool people I've been successfully connecting with all along.
You seem terribly slow to catch on if you actually think I've "been a member so long" because I've failed to find what I wanted.
[Cue the flailing! Oh god she said I was slow! I think I'll rant about it and throw in another misinterpretation of what she's saying!]
Now watch this.
DatingIsCompulsory: Make it fun for you? Is there a massive sign on my profile that says I make every convo fun? No. You're pre-judging me, asserting that I am slow? You don't know me, or anything I've gone through in my life. Your profile says you've met over 50 people that ended up being friends... Ever stop and think... "maybe it's me"
I'm sorry I am completely turned off. As a psychology major, you are one with unrealistic expectations and you'll never be satisfied with any good person that's offered you a chance. Ever wonder why you're 33 and single? I'm 22 and single but at least I've been single for a week, and attempted to be kind to you. I feel completely attacked by you.
Good luck.
[Got that? 1. I'm attacking him. 2. I said he made fun of me, and he misread somehow and is wailing about my expectations of a fun conversation. 3. Argument from authority: he's majoring in psych and therefore he gets to decide what an appropriate set of expectations should be (and considering mine are "expecting people to read my profile and believe what it says," I don't think I'm out of line). 4. What a great technique--remind the girl how long she's been single and use it as an automatic proof of her failure as a human being! 5. OMG I'M NOT PATHETIC I'VE ONLY BEEN SINGLE FOR A WEEK BUT YOU, JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF GIRL, LOL!]
Anyway. Bet you want to see what I said.
swankivy: This is why I said you're slow. I WANT TO BE SINGLE. FOREVER. I'm sorry you're having such trouble processing that, but it is true. I said so ABSOLUTELY OBVIOUSLY in my FIRST PARAGRAPH.
You continue to belittle me for only finding friends even though I'm repeatedly, specifically telling you THAT'S ALL I WANT.
I don't ever "wonder" why I'm 33 and single, no. I imagine it's because I want to be. If it's something I specifically want, it's not really something I have to devote time to wondering about.
And now you're saying I'm attacking YOU? Wow. Well, keep it up. I recommend actually reading, and processing, what people say instead of pretending you understand. I didn't hide any of this and you're acting like it's a revelation that I want to be single. I'm an aromantic asexual. That's what aromantic asexuals do--stay single, because they want to, and because they aren't attracted to other people. Don't get it? Not willing to process it? Not willing to believe you're not the exception? Just plain not interested in imagining other people don't all think like you and want what you want?
Then good luck, dude. If you have trouble processing what I just said, all I can say is my profile--which you claim to have read and "liked"--spells all of this out in painstakingly simple language. My mailbox is no longer available to you, so if you have questions, I refer you to what I've already written about myself. Ta!
Note: I didn't say to "make it fun for me." I said you "made fun of me." Maybe your first language isn't English--that would explain some of the really severe miscommunications here--and if that is the case, I have better understanding but still don't excuse you for pretending to have processed what I said.
[I don't actually think he's not a native speaker of English. His sentence structure doesn't read like a non-native speaker even though he's making glaring spelling mistakes sometimes and he definitely demonstrates a rather profound failure in reading comprehension. I didn't look at his profile to see what languages he speaks. I'm pretty sure this is just the usual outright refusal to process ideas that seem foreign, and a tendency to skim instead of actually comprehending those pesky WORDS and all.]