This is both long overdure, and long in words.
I haven’t really been able to talk to or see anyone lately for any significant amount of time, so I guess this is me posting notes on my current mental state for all those who are curious...
Walking out of Borders this afternoon, with my first hot Chai of the winter in one hand and a copy of the RENT movie soundtrack in the other, I remembered the first time I bought a Chai and when I first got the RENT soundtrack. Granted, they happened at different times, but both events were equally life-changing and took place during my Junior year of high school. RENT came first, just before my birthday, at the very start of the school year. Chai came much later, that following summer actually, when Matt first thrust a cup of the Borders blend into my hands. That was when our friendship was still new, and based on things like Borders and Chai. Before he ever met Brian. Before he first left for college. Before any of us knew who we were going to become. When we were all certain of certain things, like each other, swing sets, school musicals, and the RENT soundtrack. The night I met Brian, I told him that he would make the perfect Mark onstage. The first thing we ever did together was sing La Vie Boheme while walking down the sidewalk away from that life-altering carnival. I don’t think I can properly express how much RENT means to me without using the show's own lyrics and music to do so. And I don’t think that would really constitute a description anyway. It moves me. Emotionally, musically, physically. The last time I listened to the show all the way through was probably over a year ago. Today, I listened to the soundtrack to the movie and, although song arrangements have changed a bit and there are two new voices in the mix, it has succeeded in reminding me of why I fell in love with the show in the first place. I listened to it from start to finish this afternoon. Twice. I’m on the third cycle now. When Adam Pascal choked out his new version of One Song Glory, I teared up in my car. Same thing when I heard the new I’ll Cover You reprise. Halloween. Goodbye Love. This show…the music, the lyrics, the emotions…they’re inside of me, tucked away in a place within my body that I’ve rarely visited over the last four years. I wish I could say truthfully that this lapse in visitation was unintentional and merely the effect of time and an ever-busy schedule...but I can't. RENT, in many ways, stands for a life I no longer live…for a person I no longer am; that I am glad to no longer be. It’s just the time in which I discovered the show…that period of time. Things are so different now, and in many ways (if not all) for the better, but that doesn’t mean that those times are meant to be completely discarded, nor are they to be idealized and elevated to something they never were. I don’t know what I’m getting at here. It’s just this damn show…heh…it makes me think.
There is a line in the show, one often quoted by people that goes: “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” I think that people often misquote this line and take it too literally. If you really spend time with the show, love it and ask it to speak honestly to you, then I believe you begin to realize that completely discarding regret leads to reckless and hasty decisions; exactly what Roger is trying to deter Mimi from doing when she implores him to understand this mantra of hers. We should “forget regret,” yes, and not be bound to the past, but that does not mean that actions (even the worst kinds) should or can be justified by the idea that they don’t really matter and should ultimately be forgotten anyway. Forgiveness is key. A lack of forgiveness and understanding are what will cause you to miss out on life. Did that make sense? It’s late, and I’m thinking too much. Sorry.
It’s just that I have been realizing more and more how similar this Junior year is starting to be to the last one. Junior year of high school, my life was consumed by A.P. Bio. The entire year was spent working toward a single exam. I had significantly less time for friends as a result. Things began to become strained between people because everyone’s schedules and lives were evolving into busier and more mature endeavors. Sound familiar? Substitute A.P. Bio with Physics and Organic Chem, and the A.P. Bio exam with the MCAT in April, and the same exact kind of mood is pervading in my life. Not to mention, looking into Med Schools more closely and starting to think about letters of recommendations and admissions essays feels a hell of a lot like applying to college…Junior year was my most insane academically, even more so than Senior year was with Anatomy and Physics. There was just a lot more pressure in the air for some reason. The same thing is happening now. I can feel it. And, just like RENT, it’s taking me back to places I haven’t been for four solid years. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing…it’s just…annoying? Distracting? Thoughts that are constantly in the peripheral vision of my consciousness, being forced out of direct thought by chemical structures of Alkanes and formulas for motion in two dimensions…
That being said…I apologize to everyone for recent (and inevitable future) instances in which I may have forgotten to call you back, been unable to hang out, etc. Most of you are as busy as I am anyway, so I’m sure you understand. It’s just that…I’ve suddenly realized how huge what I want to achieve is. I know that I can do it, that I want to do, that there’s nothing else I can/want to do….It’s just that looking at schools and curriculums and Med-Student message boards and “student perspective” websites and LiveJournal communities and everything else the internet has to offer on the subject, has shown me just how HUGE pursuing a medical education really is. Not that I didn’t know, or that I have been naively fooling myself somehow, because I definitely have not…it’s just truly starting to set it. And maybe it wouldn’t be affecting me so much if it hadn’t hit me all of a sudden, out of nowhere, like a ton of bricks wrapped in gauze and athletic tape. It’s not that I’m scared. It’s not that I am feeling at all discouraged. I’m just…coming to terms with it. Sorting things out and finally putting them into a perspective from which I can begin preparing myself for the reality that will constitute an 8+ year chunk of my life. I’m not worrying, I’m processing. For the past few days, since this began to set in, and orgo started to get a bit more involved, and my clubs got more active, I have been giving myself mental pep talks almost constantly. Composing them in my mind the way we all do with our LiveJournal entries (you know you do it…). So here now, for your viewing pleasure, and for my mind’s sanity through the removal of it from my brain, is one of said pep-talks....
You can do this. Breathe. Do not put everything on yourself like you love to do. You have friends and E-Board members and classmates and professors who are in the same situation(s), who love you, and who will be willing to help. Do not be afraid to ask for help. You never thought you could be a “leader,” and here you are now a president and a vice president of two entirely different organizations. People voted for you. They have faith in you. Have faith in yourself for once and don’t fuck it up. Be open to the opinions of others, but do not allow your toes to be steamrolled over.
You will pass all of your classes. Keep up with your homework, study your notes in your free time. If you feel like a nerd, accept the fact that you are one and fucking love it for all it’s worth. It is time to become truly serious about your schoolwork. Show the med schools that you can improve your GPA from one semester to another. A 3.7 total GPA is outstanding for most people. Do not settle for it. You’ve gotten 4.0’s in the past. Just because it’s college and that makes it more difficult to achieve does NOT mean that you can’t do it or at least get closer to it. If you can’t evolve with the level of work, how do you expect to get through med school? Don’t worry about 18 credits. Remember that a typical semester of med school is somewhere around 24 credits and be thankful for your 18 credits. Again, if you can’t keep up with 18, how will you do 24? Get A’s in Organic Chemistry and Physics. It is the only way you will have a competitive science GPA, thanks to two mediocre semesters of General Chem. If you’re really going to ditch the Biology Minor (which, for your sake you should definitely do), then the science classes you DO take need to stand out. Don’t worry too much about your Lit classes (but don’t forget about them either). They are not less important than the sciences, they are your major, but don’t let them distract you too much either. You are secure there. Be confident in yourself and your abilities as an English major and writer.
Start studying for the MCAT. This weekend. Spend at least two hours every weekend for the rest of the semester to begin your review. Spend at least two hours every weekday of Winter Break studying and reviewing for the MCAT. Spend at least 4 hours every weekend of the Spring semester reviewing and studying, except for the month leading up to the April exam date, when you will be reviewing almost every moment you are not doing other homework. This is serious. You got a 19 on the free exam in June. A 28 is the national average. You will need at least a 30 to even begin to be competitive. You will get at least a 30. It’s all about memorization and studying; you got a 19 going in cold turkey, with no previous knowledge whatsoever of Physics or Orgo, you CAN and WILL increase this score to 30 by learning and studying what you don't know. You got a 5 on your A.P. Bio exam after hardcore studying. Never forget that. Never forget that studying is something you can do well. Do not shirk study time because you “don’t have time.” You will spend most of your days in med school studying for over 5-10 hours at a time. Each day. Get over it. The sooner you get used to studying this way, the better prepared you will be for the next part of your life.
Accept that this WILL BE YOUR LIFE. You WILL be a Doctor.
Don’t stress over the good things in your life. Don’t fuck them up either. You have a good thing going so far; allow it to grow into whatever it is going to become. Don’t be afraid of what it might become, or fail to be. Be good to him. Don't say anything else about your relationship on the internet; this is not the place for it. Remember that your life is NOT just studying and MCATs and med school, even though that will be what you spend most of your time focused on from now on. You are entitled to a life of your own design. You can control your destiny. Just “being” is not enough. You have goals, and you can achieve them, so stop bitching, suck it up, and go get them. You are loved. You are equally capable of loving others. Drink more water. Continue to eat healthy and get enough sleep. Get homework done after/between classes so that this is possible. Go to sleep now and stop updating LiveJournal, you loser.
So yeah. If that was at all pretentious, I apologize. If you actually read all of it, I thank you. Congratulations, you have officially glimpsed the current way my brain is working. This is where I am right now. College should still be fun, but this is definitely the year to crack down on things. If I am successfull in doing this, then Senior year will be cake, and I will party it up like a mofo. Sorry this was long. I needed it, though. Whew. Haha. Goodnight.
"The music ignites the night with passionate fire."
"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit."
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground
And feel the heat of the future's glow.
How do you leave the past behind,
When it keeps finding way to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
'Til you're torn apart.
Rent!
How can you connect in an age
Where strangers, landlords, lovers
Your own blood cells betray?
What binds the fabric together
When teh raging, shifing winds of change
Keep ripping away?
Draw a line in the sand
And then make a stand.
Use your camera to spar.
Use your guitar.
When they act tough-you call their bluff
...Cause everything is rent.
-"Rent," RENT
Walking out of Borders this afternoon, with my first hot Chai of the winter in one hand and a copy of the RENT movie soundtrack in the other, I remembered the first time I bought a Chai and when I first got the RENT soundtrack. Granted, they happened at different times, but both events were equally life-changing and took place during my Junior year of high school. RENT came first, just before my birthday, at the very start of the school year. Chai came much later, that following summer actually, when Matt first thrust a cup of the Borders blend into my hands. That was when our friendship was still new, and based on things like Borders and Chai. Before he ever met Brian. Before he first left for college. Before any of us knew who we were going to become. When we were all certain of certain things, like each other, swing sets, school musicals, and the RENT soundtrack. The night I met Brian, I told him that he would make the perfect Mark onstage. The first thing we ever did together was sing La Vie Boheme while walking down the sidewalk away from that life-altering carnival. I don’t think I can properly express how much RENT means to me without using the show's own lyrics and music to do so. And I don’t think that would really constitute a description anyway. It moves me. Emotionally, musically, physically. The last time I listened to the show all the way through was probably over a year ago. Today, I listened to the soundtrack to the movie and, although song arrangements have changed a bit and there are two new voices in the mix, it has succeeded in reminding me of why I fell in love with the show in the first place. I listened to it from start to finish this afternoon. Twice. I’m on the third cycle now. When Adam Pascal choked out his new version of One Song Glory, I teared up in my car. Same thing when I heard the new I’ll Cover You reprise. Halloween. Goodbye Love. This show…the music, the lyrics, the emotions…they’re inside of me, tucked away in a place within my body that I’ve rarely visited over the last four years. I wish I could say truthfully that this lapse in visitation was unintentional and merely the effect of time and an ever-busy schedule...but I can't. RENT, in many ways, stands for a life I no longer live…for a person I no longer am; that I am glad to no longer be. It’s just the time in which I discovered the show…that period of time. Things are so different now, and in many ways (if not all) for the better, but that doesn’t mean that those times are meant to be completely discarded, nor are they to be idealized and elevated to something they never were. I don’t know what I’m getting at here. It’s just this damn show…heh…it makes me think.
There is a line in the show, one often quoted by people that goes: “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” I think that people often misquote this line and take it too literally. If you really spend time with the show, love it and ask it to speak honestly to you, then I believe you begin to realize that completely discarding regret leads to reckless and hasty decisions; exactly what Roger is trying to deter Mimi from doing when she implores him to understand this mantra of hers. We should “forget regret,” yes, and not be bound to the past, but that does not mean that actions (even the worst kinds) should or can be justified by the idea that they don’t really matter and should ultimately be forgotten anyway. Forgiveness is key. A lack of forgiveness and understanding are what will cause you to miss out on life. Did that make sense? It’s late, and I’m thinking too much. Sorry.
It’s just that I have been realizing more and more how similar this Junior year is starting to be to the last one. Junior year of high school, my life was consumed by A.P. Bio. The entire year was spent working toward a single exam. I had significantly less time for friends as a result. Things began to become strained between people because everyone’s schedules and lives were evolving into busier and more mature endeavors. Sound familiar? Substitute A.P. Bio with Physics and Organic Chem, and the A.P. Bio exam with the MCAT in April, and the same exact kind of mood is pervading in my life. Not to mention, looking into Med Schools more closely and starting to think about letters of recommendations and admissions essays feels a hell of a lot like applying to college…Junior year was my most insane academically, even more so than Senior year was with Anatomy and Physics. There was just a lot more pressure in the air for some reason. The same thing is happening now. I can feel it. And, just like RENT, it’s taking me back to places I haven’t been for four solid years. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing…it’s just…annoying? Distracting? Thoughts that are constantly in the peripheral vision of my consciousness, being forced out of direct thought by chemical structures of Alkanes and formulas for motion in two dimensions…
That being said…I apologize to everyone for recent (and inevitable future) instances in which I may have forgotten to call you back, been unable to hang out, etc. Most of you are as busy as I am anyway, so I’m sure you understand. It’s just that…I’ve suddenly realized how huge what I want to achieve is. I know that I can do it, that I want to do, that there’s nothing else I can/want to do….It’s just that looking at schools and curriculums and Med-Student message boards and “student perspective” websites and LiveJournal communities and everything else the internet has to offer on the subject, has shown me just how HUGE pursuing a medical education really is. Not that I didn’t know, or that I have been naively fooling myself somehow, because I definitely have not…it’s just truly starting to set it. And maybe it wouldn’t be affecting me so much if it hadn’t hit me all of a sudden, out of nowhere, like a ton of bricks wrapped in gauze and athletic tape. It’s not that I’m scared. It’s not that I am feeling at all discouraged. I’m just…coming to terms with it. Sorting things out and finally putting them into a perspective from which I can begin preparing myself for the reality that will constitute an 8+ year chunk of my life. I’m not worrying, I’m processing. For the past few days, since this began to set in, and orgo started to get a bit more involved, and my clubs got more active, I have been giving myself mental pep talks almost constantly. Composing them in my mind the way we all do with our LiveJournal entries (you know you do it…). So here now, for your viewing pleasure, and for my mind’s sanity through the removal of it from my brain, is one of said pep-talks....
You can do this. Breathe. Do not put everything on yourself like you love to do. You have friends and E-Board members and classmates and professors who are in the same situation(s), who love you, and who will be willing to help. Do not be afraid to ask for help. You never thought you could be a “leader,” and here you are now a president and a vice president of two entirely different organizations. People voted for you. They have faith in you. Have faith in yourself for once and don’t fuck it up. Be open to the opinions of others, but do not allow your toes to be steamrolled over.
You will pass all of your classes. Keep up with your homework, study your notes in your free time. If you feel like a nerd, accept the fact that you are one and fucking love it for all it’s worth. It is time to become truly serious about your schoolwork. Show the med schools that you can improve your GPA from one semester to another. A 3.7 total GPA is outstanding for most people. Do not settle for it. You’ve gotten 4.0’s in the past. Just because it’s college and that makes it more difficult to achieve does NOT mean that you can’t do it or at least get closer to it. If you can’t evolve with the level of work, how do you expect to get through med school? Don’t worry about 18 credits. Remember that a typical semester of med school is somewhere around 24 credits and be thankful for your 18 credits. Again, if you can’t keep up with 18, how will you do 24? Get A’s in Organic Chemistry and Physics. It is the only way you will have a competitive science GPA, thanks to two mediocre semesters of General Chem. If you’re really going to ditch the Biology Minor (which, for your sake you should definitely do), then the science classes you DO take need to stand out. Don’t worry too much about your Lit classes (but don’t forget about them either). They are not less important than the sciences, they are your major, but don’t let them distract you too much either. You are secure there. Be confident in yourself and your abilities as an English major and writer.
Start studying for the MCAT. This weekend. Spend at least two hours every weekend for the rest of the semester to begin your review. Spend at least two hours every weekday of Winter Break studying and reviewing for the MCAT. Spend at least 4 hours every weekend of the Spring semester reviewing and studying, except for the month leading up to the April exam date, when you will be reviewing almost every moment you are not doing other homework. This is serious. You got a 19 on the free exam in June. A 28 is the national average. You will need at least a 30 to even begin to be competitive. You will get at least a 30. It’s all about memorization and studying; you got a 19 going in cold turkey, with no previous knowledge whatsoever of Physics or Orgo, you CAN and WILL increase this score to 30 by learning and studying what you don't know. You got a 5 on your A.P. Bio exam after hardcore studying. Never forget that. Never forget that studying is something you can do well. Do not shirk study time because you “don’t have time.” You will spend most of your days in med school studying for over 5-10 hours at a time. Each day. Get over it. The sooner you get used to studying this way, the better prepared you will be for the next part of your life.
Accept that this WILL BE YOUR LIFE. You WILL be a Doctor.
Don’t stress over the good things in your life. Don’t fuck them up either. You have a good thing going so far; allow it to grow into whatever it is going to become. Don’t be afraid of what it might become, or fail to be. Be good to him. Don't say anything else about your relationship on the internet; this is not the place for it. Remember that your life is NOT just studying and MCATs and med school, even though that will be what you spend most of your time focused on from now on. You are entitled to a life of your own design. You can control your destiny. Just “being” is not enough. You have goals, and you can achieve them, so stop bitching, suck it up, and go get them. You are loved. You are equally capable of loving others. Drink more water. Continue to eat healthy and get enough sleep. Get homework done after/between classes so that this is possible. Go to sleep now and stop updating LiveJournal, you loser.
So yeah. If that was at all pretentious, I apologize. If you actually read all of it, I thank you. Congratulations, you have officially glimpsed the current way my brain is working. This is where I am right now. College should still be fun, but this is definitely the year to crack down on things. If I am successfull in doing this, then Senior year will be cake, and I will party it up like a mofo. Sorry this was long. I needed it, though. Whew. Haha. Goodnight.
"The music ignites the night with passionate fire."
"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit."
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground
And feel the heat of the future's glow.
How do you leave the past behind,
When it keeps finding way to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
'Til you're torn apart.
Rent!
How can you connect in an age
Where strangers, landlords, lovers
Your own blood cells betray?
What binds the fabric together
When teh raging, shifing winds of change
Keep ripping away?
Draw a line in the sand
And then make a stand.
Use your camera to spar.
Use your guitar.
When they act tough-you call their bluff
...Cause everything is rent.
-"Rent," RENT