even after forgetting, a crease in time cannot be ironed out; the festival of death; part two
the town was the valley and the valley was inescapable, the yellow slanted crumbling hills might have only been a few hundred feet above but they gave the impression of being impassable everests, gloating as if to say "sure, you can climb to the top of us, but when you look out in the distance all you'll see is more, more of us." i snarled at them to myself and walked down the main drag of the town. it was a jumble of cinderblock and wormwood, dirty and sour smelling, with throngs of people starting to spill out of their dwellings, carrying boxes of food, jugs of wine, decorations, tent-poles, banners, christmas lights, all manner of party supplies. as the sun began to duck behind the hills the lights were strung up around buildings, thrown up in the few leafless trees, wrapped around tent poles as groups of bellowing and laughing people yanked them to and fro until the tents were up, snapping in the breeze. an old woman came out of the house i was standing in front of, chuckled something i didn't understand, gave me a fierce hug that brought me far too close to her cabbage breath, and handed me a drumstick of some gigantic bird, dripping in grease. as soon as i smelled the roasted meat my stomach awoke from it's long nap and rumbled, and my wariness of eating free food from a stranger was instantly overcome. i gobbled it down, chewed the bone for all scraps, and tossed the bone to a dog that had been watching me intently, smiling as it took it in it's jaws and trotted off wagging it's tail.
as if out of nowhere this strange celebration had sprung up. music from a sick sounding calliope hidden somewhere started up, competing with some techno-salsa blasting out of a large boombox set out on a porch railing. there were children running around spilling beer on each other, lost in that feverish pleasure of a child's first drunk. i just kept walking, moving, observing; not stopping to investigate any of the strangeness about me or to join in, only when someone would stop me would i interact, once to take a mug of watery beer from a large sweaty man with a red face, he smiled at me and kept filling up mugs from a large keg next to him. a group of mexican men were talking loudly to each other, they seemed to be telling elaborate jokes to themselves and then punctuating their punchlines by hurling their empty beer mugs at the side of a house, cackling and pounding each other on their backs as they shattered. i walked on and saw three different couples having sex on the ground while a group of old men and children watched with open salivating mouths, there was a disheveled priest drinking whiskey from a bottle and telling rascist jokes to a man in a sherriff's uniform who was dry heaving off the side of a porch railing. at every turn it seemed like i encountered more people, many more people than could have possibly been in the town to begin with; every time i raised my head and looked around there were more people lost in this orgy of destruction. i tripped over an unconscious girl and staggered into a trash barrel, some children sitting on the side of the road laughed and threw cupcakes at me. i knew i had no chance in this place. i started moving faster, looking for the edge of the fray, but it seemed to have grown into an insular circle with no edges, with no end and no way out. i watched an old woman pull a knife on her doddering husband after a young girl walked up to him and bared her breasts inches from his gaping eyes. there was a small explosion several houses away and hoots of laughter, a dog barking the same bark over and over. i weaved through the people, dodging a man beating random passersby with a whip, avoiding the strange dark puddle spreading out from a overturned trash can, panicking more and more until i came to a small white house, standing out amongst the chaos because of it's quiet, it's small windows frosted and illuminated from within. i looked around me furtively and slowly went up the walk, trying desperately not to arouse interest.
the copper doorknob turned and the wooden door swung open; inside were a group of people sitting in three rows of chairs conversing, impeccably dressed in victorian attire. a man with a pince-nez and a string-tie sat right inside the door, he looked over his shoulder at me and nodded slightly, then turned back to whisper something to his companion. my eyes immediately traveled to center stage, whereupon my heart pounded, my mouth dried up, and i stared without comprehension. the girl i loved more than anything was on center stage, slowly rolling down her stockings, pulling up her skirts, exposing herself to this crowd of people, who showed no reaction- no interest at all in this grotesque performance. i tried to swallow and my throat stuck in place, i held my breath as she touched herself here in this shameful act. i saw one man in the front row suddenly turn to face her and watch, stare unabashedly at her thighs, as if he had just noticed she was there. this was altogether too much and without knowing it my feet propelled me quickly through the room into a spacious restroom. i put down the lid of the toilet and sat down hard, my limbs going limp, my breath ragged, my forehead moist with sweat, leaning over and propping myself up on the wall weakly, losing sense of time or sense until the door opened and it was her, my love, my shameless love, my debased love, and she was touching my face and patting my head, saying calm soothing things to me like i was a stupid child, and i felt like a stupid child as a whimper started low in my throat and i closed my eyes and felt nothingness wash over.
as if out of nowhere this strange celebration had sprung up. music from a sick sounding calliope hidden somewhere started up, competing with some techno-salsa blasting out of a large boombox set out on a porch railing. there were children running around spilling beer on each other, lost in that feverish pleasure of a child's first drunk. i just kept walking, moving, observing; not stopping to investigate any of the strangeness about me or to join in, only when someone would stop me would i interact, once to take a mug of watery beer from a large sweaty man with a red face, he smiled at me and kept filling up mugs from a large keg next to him. a group of mexican men were talking loudly to each other, they seemed to be telling elaborate jokes to themselves and then punctuating their punchlines by hurling their empty beer mugs at the side of a house, cackling and pounding each other on their backs as they shattered. i walked on and saw three different couples having sex on the ground while a group of old men and children watched with open salivating mouths, there was a disheveled priest drinking whiskey from a bottle and telling rascist jokes to a man in a sherriff's uniform who was dry heaving off the side of a porch railing. at every turn it seemed like i encountered more people, many more people than could have possibly been in the town to begin with; every time i raised my head and looked around there were more people lost in this orgy of destruction. i tripped over an unconscious girl and staggered into a trash barrel, some children sitting on the side of the road laughed and threw cupcakes at me. i knew i had no chance in this place. i started moving faster, looking for the edge of the fray, but it seemed to have grown into an insular circle with no edges, with no end and no way out. i watched an old woman pull a knife on her doddering husband after a young girl walked up to him and bared her breasts inches from his gaping eyes. there was a small explosion several houses away and hoots of laughter, a dog barking the same bark over and over. i weaved through the people, dodging a man beating random passersby with a whip, avoiding the strange dark puddle spreading out from a overturned trash can, panicking more and more until i came to a small white house, standing out amongst the chaos because of it's quiet, it's small windows frosted and illuminated from within. i looked around me furtively and slowly went up the walk, trying desperately not to arouse interest.
the copper doorknob turned and the wooden door swung open; inside were a group of people sitting in three rows of chairs conversing, impeccably dressed in victorian attire. a man with a pince-nez and a string-tie sat right inside the door, he looked over his shoulder at me and nodded slightly, then turned back to whisper something to his companion. my eyes immediately traveled to center stage, whereupon my heart pounded, my mouth dried up, and i stared without comprehension. the girl i loved more than anything was on center stage, slowly rolling down her stockings, pulling up her skirts, exposing herself to this crowd of people, who showed no reaction- no interest at all in this grotesque performance. i tried to swallow and my throat stuck in place, i held my breath as she touched herself here in this shameful act. i saw one man in the front row suddenly turn to face her and watch, stare unabashedly at her thighs, as if he had just noticed she was there. this was altogether too much and without knowing it my feet propelled me quickly through the room into a spacious restroom. i put down the lid of the toilet and sat down hard, my limbs going limp, my breath ragged, my forehead moist with sweat, leaning over and propping myself up on the wall weakly, losing sense of time or sense until the door opened and it was her, my love, my shameless love, my debased love, and she was touching my face and patting my head, saying calm soothing things to me like i was a stupid child, and i felt like a stupid child as a whimper started low in my throat and i closed my eyes and felt nothingness wash over.