Thus Ceased the Crickets
I don't feel well. Part of that is because I tried to never use my livejournal to bitch about things, and now I'm finally giving in to that, which means I just feel worse, instead of better as I hoped I would by getting it all out. Stupid Catch-22's. I feel like I'm just doing it for the pity.
I have a hard time thinking of things to talk about with a great many people who I used to talk to a lot, and even when I haven't called or emailed or AIMed them in a long time I don't pick up the phone or do the double-clicking because I simply don't know what I'll say. I feel like I used to be the one who really kept these things going, the guy who was adamant about continuing a conversation until I picked every last bit of stuff from someone's head, but now I just wonder what the point is, and why they would want to talk to me anyway. And if they don't try to talk to me, I just realize that I'm right. I have fun when I hang out with my friends, but I never seem to be able to remember those fun times once they're gone.
I get angry at things that make no sense for me to get angry about, but then my only means for expressing that anger is to get angry at myself for getting angry, which then spirals downward until I'm angry at myself for everything from saying something to stupid in class to writing a bad column for the newspaper for continuining to play on the soccer team when I didn't want to to the fact that I can't write for shit and that's what I actually want to do in life, and before long I'm just immensely depressed and no one can bring me out of it, because I know they're just trying to make me feel better and my mind won't let me believe a word they're saying. I don't know why people bother with me, and I don't know what people think of me. I suck at life, basically, and I'm tired of my mom hearing it in my voice and repeatedly telling me to "be happy" everytime we're on the phone together.
I'm tired of schoolwork, yet I can't think of what I'd rather be doing. In theory, it's just reading and writing, and most of that I actually enjoy, but still I feel like something's wrong. I need to find a job for winter break, and to figure out if I can do SAS, and figure out my life.
My long project for creative writing is stupid, and I haven't written a good column in two months (that includes bad ones about topics like James Bond, Borat, Weird Al, and the end of the world, all of which should be good topics for me.) I keep having ideas that I think are going to turn out great but never turn out that way, which makes me think I'm even worse at this than I originally thought I was. That being said, the ideas bouncing around in my head include:
1. My Superhero Trilogy -- the ninjas and punk rockers one
2. an epic poem Superman story based on the Aeneid (because not enough people write epic poems these days)
3. a play about the end of the world, which will feature a main character who is a medium for Jim Morrison and Mos Def as the voice of reason
4. The Geek Diary -- my pop culture memoir
5. The Sketch Show
6. No less than four video games, including my masterwork, the one where Zinedine Zidane and Andre the Giant rescue Harrison Ford, the one where Zinedine Zidane and Andre the Giant fight through Dante's Inferno, and my desert RPG that I've been thinking about since eighth grade.
7. A short story about small children playing pretend, which I can't figure out how it's going to work but I have high hopes for it that will eventually be crushed
8. The definitive book on Zelda.
9. And for some reason I've already started thinking about what I'm going to do for my senior honors thesis.
I'm ready to play Wii Zelda, but I know I'll be tired of home before I'm there for very long.
I have a hard time thinking of things to talk about with a great many people who I used to talk to a lot, and even when I haven't called or emailed or AIMed them in a long time I don't pick up the phone or do the double-clicking because I simply don't know what I'll say. I feel like I used to be the one who really kept these things going, the guy who was adamant about continuing a conversation until I picked every last bit of stuff from someone's head, but now I just wonder what the point is, and why they would want to talk to me anyway. And if they don't try to talk to me, I just realize that I'm right. I have fun when I hang out with my friends, but I never seem to be able to remember those fun times once they're gone.
I get angry at things that make no sense for me to get angry about, but then my only means for expressing that anger is to get angry at myself for getting angry, which then spirals downward until I'm angry at myself for everything from saying something to stupid in class to writing a bad column for the newspaper for continuining to play on the soccer team when I didn't want to to the fact that I can't write for shit and that's what I actually want to do in life, and before long I'm just immensely depressed and no one can bring me out of it, because I know they're just trying to make me feel better and my mind won't let me believe a word they're saying. I don't know why people bother with me, and I don't know what people think of me. I suck at life, basically, and I'm tired of my mom hearing it in my voice and repeatedly telling me to "be happy" everytime we're on the phone together.
I'm tired of schoolwork, yet I can't think of what I'd rather be doing. In theory, it's just reading and writing, and most of that I actually enjoy, but still I feel like something's wrong. I need to find a job for winter break, and to figure out if I can do SAS, and figure out my life.
My long project for creative writing is stupid, and I haven't written a good column in two months (that includes bad ones about topics like James Bond, Borat, Weird Al, and the end of the world, all of which should be good topics for me.) I keep having ideas that I think are going to turn out great but never turn out that way, which makes me think I'm even worse at this than I originally thought I was. That being said, the ideas bouncing around in my head include:
1. My Superhero Trilogy -- the ninjas and punk rockers one
2. an epic poem Superman story based on the Aeneid (because not enough people write epic poems these days)
3. a play about the end of the world, which will feature a main character who is a medium for Jim Morrison and Mos Def as the voice of reason
4. The Geek Diary -- my pop culture memoir
5. The Sketch Show
6. No less than four video games, including my masterwork, the one where Zinedine Zidane and Andre the Giant rescue Harrison Ford, the one where Zinedine Zidane and Andre the Giant fight through Dante's Inferno, and my desert RPG that I've been thinking about since eighth grade.
7. A short story about small children playing pretend, which I can't figure out how it's going to work but I have high hopes for it that will eventually be crushed
8. The definitive book on Zelda.
9. And for some reason I've already started thinking about what I'm going to do for my senior honors thesis.
I'm ready to play Wii Zelda, but I know I'll be tired of home before I'm there for very long.