Re-Construction In Progress, Please Pardon My Dust!
I have been in such a down mood lately but I came to a hurtful, yet much needed conclusion yesterday... I am the only one to blame for my bad mood. Sure, I have alot of extra stress piling up right now (but who doesn't?) and my saddness/anger are results of all the crap in my life: family difficulties, the play, school, work, heartbreaking conversations with certain people, etc. but why do I bash myself up for all this? It's not like I'm to blame for all the everyday problems that arise in my life... shit happens and I guess I still haven't learned how to dodge it or trudge through it and clean up afterwards. I am on the verge of new growth and gaining even more maturity, I can feel it, but I've been resisting it. It's like I want to be a miserable, foolish little girl the rest of my life. I sit in my room at night and let my selfish, hurtful thoughts eat the goodness within me. I torment myself with sleepless nights because I can't bring myself to stop and relax. I forget all the good in my life and let the world bring me down. I bring the people I love most down with me or even worse, let them believe nothing is wrong and act like a different person everyday... And for that I am truly sorry. Thanks to everyone who continues to be my support despite my moodiness and anger lately.
This relates to what I'm talking about:
I don't really believe in astrology but sometimes the star sign explanations pinpoint who you are. I read about my sign (which is Aquarius) and it pointed out one of my number one faults, which I often don't even realize I do until it's too late:
"They may express a lack of integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering anger and resentment, rudeness or, worse, a tense, threatening silence which may suddenly burst out in eruptions of extreme temper, these are all part of the negative side of the Aquarian."
I do all these things.... I make promises I can't keep because I am, by nature, a people pleaser which then in turn makes me stress out and bash myself. I bottle things up: things that make me mad, sad, stressed, and confused because I don't want others to see my faults/weaknesses until finally, one day I explode in a TERRIBLE fit of screaming/crying/swearing. That is horrible. I think I'm doing good but really I'm eating away at myself. I need to learn how to handle problems better, I need to re-evaluate my life. This could be the end, but I much rather it be the beginning of a new way of thinking.
This relates to what I'm talking about:
I don't really believe in astrology but sometimes the star sign explanations pinpoint who you are. I read about my sign (which is Aquarius) and it pointed out one of my number one faults, which I often don't even realize I do until it's too late:
"They may express a lack of integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering anger and resentment, rudeness or, worse, a tense, threatening silence which may suddenly burst out in eruptions of extreme temper, these are all part of the negative side of the Aquarian."
I do all these things.... I make promises I can't keep because I am, by nature, a people pleaser which then in turn makes me stress out and bash myself. I bottle things up: things that make me mad, sad, stressed, and confused because I don't want others to see my faults/weaknesses until finally, one day I explode in a TERRIBLE fit of screaming/crying/swearing. That is horrible. I think I'm doing good but really I'm eating away at myself. I need to learn how to handle problems better, I need to re-evaluate my life. This could be the end, but I much rather it be the beginning of a new way of thinking.