Such is Life
I’ve had the opportunity to do a lot of thinking the past few days. Our house was fumigated for termites so I was stuck doing several chores to the house by myself. A good opportunity to do what I seem to do quite often: think. The main focus these past days have mainly been about myself. About my life and my attempt to understand it all. I think that’s what this journal was all about, my desire to try and understand why things are the way they are. Why people do the things they do and why life is the way it is. Sometimes I feel alone in thinking these things. I don’t know if I’m the only one who stops and sits down to wonder just what makes reality, well, reality. I don’t think my mind is able to comprehend the world around me. Sometimes I don’t understand why people are they way they are, and I find it difficult to live through another’s life. What makes them tick, why didn’t they do it the way I would have? What made them choose differently? I try really hard not to judge and not to be close or narrow-minded, but it’s not always easy. I try to grow with everything I experience, and try to learn from everyone I encounter. But sometimes there is just too much world for me to understand it all.
Tomorrow I go to work, teach tennis to little kids. I was their age once. I will be my boss’s age one day. I don’t understand time. I can’t comprehend such an incorporeal idea. I can only perceive as much as I have lived, any longer and it is beyond my ability to grasp. I’ll get off work and go home. Take a shower, eat dinner. At that very instant, is the world still turning the same speed? What is everyone else doing at that moment? How many others are eating? Who is dying? Who is being born? Where are all the people I know, what are they doing? Where are all the people I’ll end up knowing later in life? “How many people are having an orgasm at that instant?......15.” (Amélie).
My understanding of life most comes from the media. My only perception of the future comes from what I see through T.V. and in movies. NBC’s Friends are my best estimate of what life will be like after college; I have not seen it any other way. Romantic comedies are my best guess of how true love will be. You really have to experience something to truly understand it. Otherwise all you can do is try to sympathize. And I try.
I wonder...Do people really understand me? Maybe that’s why I have this journal. I want people to know why I am the way I am. What makes me tick? Maybe it’s more for myself. So at least I know why I do the things I do...or at least so I can look back and remember why. I think I started this so that I would remember the lessons I’d learn and make sure to not make the same mistakes twice. I’ve made mistakes, I don’t want to repeat them. I think I made it public so that other people could know too. I want other people to know who I am. No more do I want to be the mysterious soul that takes keys to unlock. I want to be understood...I want to be loved. I want what everybody else wants. I want to make a difference...to somebody, to everybody, to myself.
...I want to close my eyes and feel her against my chest. Breathe in and touch her skin. Drift asleep, quiet, soft, content...
Tomorrow I go to work, teach tennis to little kids. I was their age once. I will be my boss’s age one day. I don’t understand time. I can’t comprehend such an incorporeal idea. I can only perceive as much as I have lived, any longer and it is beyond my ability to grasp. I’ll get off work and go home. Take a shower, eat dinner. At that very instant, is the world still turning the same speed? What is everyone else doing at that moment? How many others are eating? Who is dying? Who is being born? Where are all the people I know, what are they doing? Where are all the people I’ll end up knowing later in life? “How many people are having an orgasm at that instant?......15.” (Amélie).
My understanding of life most comes from the media. My only perception of the future comes from what I see through T.V. and in movies. NBC’s Friends are my best estimate of what life will be like after college; I have not seen it any other way. Romantic comedies are my best guess of how true love will be. You really have to experience something to truly understand it. Otherwise all you can do is try to sympathize. And I try.
I wonder...Do people really understand me? Maybe that’s why I have this journal. I want people to know why I am the way I am. What makes me tick? Maybe it’s more for myself. So at least I know why I do the things I do...or at least so I can look back and remember why. I think I started this so that I would remember the lessons I’d learn and make sure to not make the same mistakes twice. I’ve made mistakes, I don’t want to repeat them. I think I made it public so that other people could know too. I want other people to know who I am. No more do I want to be the mysterious soul that takes keys to unlock. I want to be understood...I want to be loved. I want what everybody else wants. I want to make a difference...to somebody, to everybody, to myself.
...I want to close my eyes and feel her against my chest. Breathe in and touch her skin. Drift asleep, quiet, soft, content...