Jenny's Goodbye
I got an e-mail from Jenny about a week ago. Took me by surprise really, wasn't expecting to hear from her ever again, and certainly not about what she wrote. Well, I guess rather than summarizing, I'll just copy/paste it here:
"Upon deleting pictures and memories of the past, I wanted to say one last thing to you. I am sorry. I know I did things for the wrong reason. I know I caused you stress and pain. I know what I did was wrong and dangerous. I realized I never said that before. I am truly sorry for anything I caused. Thank you for the past and the knowledge that you gave me. I will forever be apologetic and hope you will just be happy, you deserve that.
Be well stefan, and know that I truly am sorry from the bottom of my heart."
I was a little taken back and not quite sure what to say. I did respond however, and basically told her goodbye, and that I forgive her for all the things she may feel guilty or ashamed about. She's just a tattered soul, and I don't want her carrying any more weight on her shoulders then she already has.
I've discussed my experiences with Jenny to many people, but I haven't said anywhere near all there is to say about the subject. The one thing I usually tell people these days is that this is how I see it now:
Near the end of high school I started questioning myself. Basically just looking for answers. "What am I supposed to do here? What separates me from everyone else? Will I make a difference? Where do I belong in life? Who am I?" Halfway through my senior year I found someone who started answering those questions for me. But alas, I became trapped by a false prophecy. Jenny slowly withered me down to a point where I was willing to abandon my school, my tennis, and my friends solely for her. While I was with her, everything that I didn't like about myself, and everything that I felt uncertain about, and everything that wasn't right in me was brought to the surface and emphasized. I could see in me everything I thought was wrong. From Jenny I learned what I needed to change to find the true answers to my questions. Lindsay was the next step for me. In her I saw what I could be like if I worked at and changed all the things I saw from Jenny. She was a window to what I was capable of becoming. And when she let me go, I took my third and final step and slowly worked to build myself up from everything I saw wrong, to everything I saw right. It took me the rest of the year to do so, but I climbed up to where I wanted to be from the very start and returned home with answers if not directions to the questions I sought out to answer 3 years prior.
I started writing a short story (I guess you could call it that) of my journey from then until now, but decided otherwise. There is a lot to say that I haven't yet, but that doesn't seem to bother me. I am not against speaking of anything and everything that happened, but it's just not my personality to go ahead and say it willingly (altho it might seem otherwise with an online journal). If you ask, I'll tell you, I just haven't had anyone that curious to want to know. Which doesn't bother me either. This entire journey of mine is slowly but surely becoming just a faded memory like so many other things in my past. Sometimes I miss pieces of it, and sometimes I wish that I could redo some of the events, but why change what worked out so well in the end?
I set out on new adventures everyday now. Every moment is a new experience for me as I explore the world I took 3 years to unlock. It's only a matter of time now before I find a track that'll lead me to my next journey. And when I do, I know it'll end just as grand as my last. :)
"Upon deleting pictures and memories of the past, I wanted to say one last thing to you. I am sorry. I know I did things for the wrong reason. I know I caused you stress and pain. I know what I did was wrong and dangerous. I realized I never said that before. I am truly sorry for anything I caused. Thank you for the past and the knowledge that you gave me. I will forever be apologetic and hope you will just be happy, you deserve that.
Be well stefan, and know that I truly am sorry from the bottom of my heart."
I was a little taken back and not quite sure what to say. I did respond however, and basically told her goodbye, and that I forgive her for all the things she may feel guilty or ashamed about. She's just a tattered soul, and I don't want her carrying any more weight on her shoulders then she already has.
I've discussed my experiences with Jenny to many people, but I haven't said anywhere near all there is to say about the subject. The one thing I usually tell people these days is that this is how I see it now:
Near the end of high school I started questioning myself. Basically just looking for answers. "What am I supposed to do here? What separates me from everyone else? Will I make a difference? Where do I belong in life? Who am I?" Halfway through my senior year I found someone who started answering those questions for me. But alas, I became trapped by a false prophecy. Jenny slowly withered me down to a point where I was willing to abandon my school, my tennis, and my friends solely for her. While I was with her, everything that I didn't like about myself, and everything that I felt uncertain about, and everything that wasn't right in me was brought to the surface and emphasized. I could see in me everything I thought was wrong. From Jenny I learned what I needed to change to find the true answers to my questions. Lindsay was the next step for me. In her I saw what I could be like if I worked at and changed all the things I saw from Jenny. She was a window to what I was capable of becoming. And when she let me go, I took my third and final step and slowly worked to build myself up from everything I saw wrong, to everything I saw right. It took me the rest of the year to do so, but I climbed up to where I wanted to be from the very start and returned home with answers if not directions to the questions I sought out to answer 3 years prior.
I started writing a short story (I guess you could call it that) of my journey from then until now, but decided otherwise. There is a lot to say that I haven't yet, but that doesn't seem to bother me. I am not against speaking of anything and everything that happened, but it's just not my personality to go ahead and say it willingly (altho it might seem otherwise with an online journal). If you ask, I'll tell you, I just haven't had anyone that curious to want to know. Which doesn't bother me either. This entire journey of mine is slowly but surely becoming just a faded memory like so many other things in my past. Sometimes I miss pieces of it, and sometimes I wish that I could redo some of the events, but why change what worked out so well in the end?
I set out on new adventures everyday now. Every moment is a new experience for me as I explore the world I took 3 years to unlock. It's only a matter of time now before I find a track that'll lead me to my next journey. And when I do, I know it'll end just as grand as my last. :)