Relationships II
I suppose I could write an entry about the war, but I don't know how much I could say that would be anything different then anyone else has already said. Instead I'll talk about another thing that's been on my mind. I came back from spring break and have been spending a lot of time with my friends despite the busy week. Well, actually mostly just 2 friends. Rashna and Daisy if you were curious.
I had run into that freshman basketball player that I thought was cute before I went home for spring break. She was staying on campus for the NCAA's (which they're in the finals of now, go TU!). We got to talking and ended up going to the mall the next day. I came home for the week and spent a couple nights with Ruxi. We had a pretty good talk the day I had to go back home. I kind of thought about asking her if she wouldn't mind letting me take her to dinner when summer starts, but I didn't. She's a special girl who I could learn a lot from, and who I would like helping through some of the rough spots. But then again who's to say I couldn't do that as just friends, and she seems more comfortable single anyways.
When I came back I had thought about those two girls and about the balance in my life right now. It's balanced extremely well. However, as I told my friends, there is that piece missing. That piece that wants to share the bond you get with a girlfriend. The kind where you can just lie together and say everything you could ever want without speaking a word.
But I couldn't have that without making room by taking away from the other things in my life that are already so perfectly balanced. And I don't think I want to do that. I feel so great right now, just hangin out with friends, stayin up late talking, havin good times. Havin great times.
I did however, talk about something else with Daisy. For the first time I spoke about a lot of the things that happened in Massachusetts, and just while I was with Jenny in general. I'm not sure if she noticed, but there were times where my eyes were beginning to water thinking about it. She mentioned once that she sensed a lot of anger from me. Yeah. No surprise there. She told me several times that it wasn't my fault, etc etc. But it wasn't until then that I realized that I did actually blame myself in a way. I feel ashamed and guilty for the things that were forced upon me. I was reaching out for help a long time ago took a hand from the wrong person. She said that she couldn't believe that I didn't break in the 18 months I was with her. That she was having a hard enough time hearing this let alone living it. But when you're in this type of situation, you simply can't break. You can't so you don't. There's no option.
I'm proud of how I've accepted a lot of the things that happenned and moved on, but that doesn't mean that they still aren't things I may look back on and feel ashamed about.
I suppose I just was wanting a real relationship. One that doesn't comsume my whole life, that I don't obligate myself to, that I keep in reality and love someone and be loved, and gain from. Even if I know it won't last, just to be happy with someone for a while. I feel mature enough to be able to handle it better now, and not get overwhelmed. However, I feel happy talking with my friends and spending time with them. I don't want to take anything away from that. I'm playing great tennis and love leading our team through victories. I don't want to take away from that either. My academics are soaring right now, and I want that to stay too. How much can I really fit into my life? Should I risk unbalancing something that's working so right to add one more thing I want even if I could live without it? Do I even really want someone to love, or do I just want someone to love me? Am I starting to try too hard instead of letting it flow like usual? Is it a search for something new, or something I lost? I suppose I won't know until it happens. *shrug*
I had run into that freshman basketball player that I thought was cute before I went home for spring break. She was staying on campus for the NCAA's (which they're in the finals of now, go TU!). We got to talking and ended up going to the mall the next day. I came home for the week and spent a couple nights with Ruxi. We had a pretty good talk the day I had to go back home. I kind of thought about asking her if she wouldn't mind letting me take her to dinner when summer starts, but I didn't. She's a special girl who I could learn a lot from, and who I would like helping through some of the rough spots. But then again who's to say I couldn't do that as just friends, and she seems more comfortable single anyways.
When I came back I had thought about those two girls and about the balance in my life right now. It's balanced extremely well. However, as I told my friends, there is that piece missing. That piece that wants to share the bond you get with a girlfriend. The kind where you can just lie together and say everything you could ever want without speaking a word.
But I couldn't have that without making room by taking away from the other things in my life that are already so perfectly balanced. And I don't think I want to do that. I feel so great right now, just hangin out with friends, stayin up late talking, havin good times. Havin great times.
I did however, talk about something else with Daisy. For the first time I spoke about a lot of the things that happened in Massachusetts, and just while I was with Jenny in general. I'm not sure if she noticed, but there were times where my eyes were beginning to water thinking about it. She mentioned once that she sensed a lot of anger from me. Yeah. No surprise there. She told me several times that it wasn't my fault, etc etc. But it wasn't until then that I realized that I did actually blame myself in a way. I feel ashamed and guilty for the things that were forced upon me. I was reaching out for help a long time ago took a hand from the wrong person. She said that she couldn't believe that I didn't break in the 18 months I was with her. That she was having a hard enough time hearing this let alone living it. But when you're in this type of situation, you simply can't break. You can't so you don't. There's no option.
I'm proud of how I've accepted a lot of the things that happenned and moved on, but that doesn't mean that they still aren't things I may look back on and feel ashamed about.
I suppose I just was wanting a real relationship. One that doesn't comsume my whole life, that I don't obligate myself to, that I keep in reality and love someone and be loved, and gain from. Even if I know it won't last, just to be happy with someone for a while. I feel mature enough to be able to handle it better now, and not get overwhelmed. However, I feel happy talking with my friends and spending time with them. I don't want to take anything away from that. I'm playing great tennis and love leading our team through victories. I don't want to take away from that either. My academics are soaring right now, and I want that to stay too. How much can I really fit into my life? Should I risk unbalancing something that's working so right to add one more thing I want even if I could live without it? Do I even really want someone to love, or do I just want someone to love me? Am I starting to try too hard instead of letting it flow like usual? Is it a search for something new, or something I lost? I suppose I won't know until it happens. *shrug*