Filling in the Blur
Clouds roll beneath me like water as we chase the sunset into the horizon. A California filled with nobody awaits my unnoticed arrival. The future crawls toward me at an unsteady pace. Never quite directing me where I expect to go. The past lays behind me motionless and ever-shrinking into the distance. The computer screen staring back at me with a journal entry in a sort of poetic dribble. But the past, ahh the past...
This year saw the enormous growth of electronic sales. People bought more computers more cameras more TVs. Apple’s little white headphone became a cultural icon as iPod sales grew over 900% from the year prior. “Friends” and “Frasier” both aired their final episodes to millions of viewers. Ross got Rachel. America invaded Iraq and caught Sadam Hussein and the rest of the world hated us in the process. NASA landed two rovers onto Mars and found no trace that water ever existed on the desolate surface. NBC’s hit series “The Apprentice” aired its finale live to America. Michael Jackson was accused of child molestation...again. Kobe Bryant was accused of sexual harassment too. I had sex without being accused of anything.
The Spurs lost last night at 0.4 of a second left on the clock. What a heartbreaker. Sean and I lost our chance to play to defend our title from last October in what seemed like a shorter time. I understand what it must have felt like after their loss last night. ...It's a long story, I don't feel like telling it right now. I said my goodbyes. I’m on my flight home. Alone. Again.
I’m angry...and I’m broken. Heartbroken. I just wanted a chance to play, to win. A chance to have a chance. I know I could have gone all the way. I know I would have. But instead I said my goodbyes, and I’m alone again on my flight home...and absolutely clueless about what’s going to happen this summer. At least it will be different, no more long hours teaching tennis for me this time.
It was fun being back in New England though. I like the style of everything up there. If I don’t end up in California, New England might not be too bad an alternative. Massachusetts just started issuing the first gay marriage licenses. Good for them.
I’m alone in my house. I want to create something. I want to describe myself in a new way. I feel lost. I want my friends to come home. I want to go out with them. I wish I were normal. I want to draw. I want to have all the tools at my fingertips. I can see the images in my head, I want to get them out. I want to create them. I want to go see Ticia.
I think I’ll invest in a digital camera this summer. My friends have commented many times about their surprise I don’t already have one. It would fit my lifestyle they say. They’re right. But I want one so I can take pictures of the many little art-filled things I see each day. There’s so much beauty and thought in everyday life. I like that. I’ll show everyone the art I see everyday. I want people to see what I see through my eyes and through my mind.
There’s a lot of things to do this summer, and it’s kind of daunting and depressing. I feel overwhelmed. I’m really going to try hard to finish and do everything I want to. Cross your fingers for me. It can be a lot to think about, and a lot to take at once. Sometimes it seems like the world is to big for one person to take. But I don’t believe that. It’s anyone’s for the taking, all they have to do is try. Sometimes it seems like it’s impossible to overcome the challenges ahead of you. But I’ve found that if you keep taking them on, soon enough there aren’t as many as you’d thought. Sometimes it seems like no one’s with you. But then you unpack your suitcase and find a note from your girlfriend, and the world is right again.
This year saw the enormous growth of electronic sales. People bought more computers more cameras more TVs. Apple’s little white headphone became a cultural icon as iPod sales grew over 900% from the year prior. “Friends” and “Frasier” both aired their final episodes to millions of viewers. Ross got Rachel. America invaded Iraq and caught Sadam Hussein and the rest of the world hated us in the process. NASA landed two rovers onto Mars and found no trace that water ever existed on the desolate surface. NBC’s hit series “The Apprentice” aired its finale live to America. Michael Jackson was accused of child molestation...again. Kobe Bryant was accused of sexual harassment too. I had sex without being accused of anything.
The Spurs lost last night at 0.4 of a second left on the clock. What a heartbreaker. Sean and I lost our chance to play to defend our title from last October in what seemed like a shorter time. I understand what it must have felt like after their loss last night. ...It's a long story, I don't feel like telling it right now. I said my goodbyes. I’m on my flight home. Alone. Again.
I’m angry...and I’m broken. Heartbroken. I just wanted a chance to play, to win. A chance to have a chance. I know I could have gone all the way. I know I would have. But instead I said my goodbyes, and I’m alone again on my flight home...and absolutely clueless about what’s going to happen this summer. At least it will be different, no more long hours teaching tennis for me this time.
It was fun being back in New England though. I like the style of everything up there. If I don’t end up in California, New England might not be too bad an alternative. Massachusetts just started issuing the first gay marriage licenses. Good for them.
I’m alone in my house. I want to create something. I want to describe myself in a new way. I feel lost. I want my friends to come home. I want to go out with them. I wish I were normal. I want to draw. I want to have all the tools at my fingertips. I can see the images in my head, I want to get them out. I want to create them. I want to go see Ticia.
I think I’ll invest in a digital camera this summer. My friends have commented many times about their surprise I don’t already have one. It would fit my lifestyle they say. They’re right. But I want one so I can take pictures of the many little art-filled things I see each day. There’s so much beauty and thought in everyday life. I like that. I’ll show everyone the art I see everyday. I want people to see what I see through my eyes and through my mind.
There’s a lot of things to do this summer, and it’s kind of daunting and depressing. I feel overwhelmed. I’m really going to try hard to finish and do everything I want to. Cross your fingers for me. It can be a lot to think about, and a lot to take at once. Sometimes it seems like the world is to big for one person to take. But I don’t believe that. It’s anyone’s for the taking, all they have to do is try. Sometimes it seems like it’s impossible to overcome the challenges ahead of you. But I’ve found that if you keep taking them on, soon enough there aren’t as many as you’d thought. Sometimes it seems like no one’s with you. But then you unpack your suitcase and find a note from your girlfriend, and the world is right again.