Thoughts of an Aimless Mind

Apr 04, 2004 23:48

I’m flying home. The pilot’s announcing flight information over the intercom but I’m not paying attention. I’m listening to music. We’re flying into Las Vegas but I’m not going to gamble more than the change in my pocket. Maybe they’ll have nickel machines. You don’t lose much on nickel machines. We get back late in San Antonio and I should do more reading. I don’t know when my test is yet, I missed the day he told us. This fan is cold, I’m going to turn it down. The man across from me is drinking a beer. Maybe I could sneak some alcohol without my coach knowing I bought it. I don’t have any money in my wallet. The man in front of him is playing solitaire on his computer. My computer’s better than his. He’s wasting battery doing nothing. I like my computer, it lasts a long time. I’m wasting battery day dreaming...

We won our last match. Without me. I hurt my shoulder during our first match. It happened suddenly. What if it’s a tear? When can I play again? I was scared we’d lose. My team needs me. I’m just another player on the team, but I saw how much easier it would have been if I were there to bump others down. I cheered my hardest. Did I just misspell journal when I saved this?...nope. The flight attendant’s telling everyone they have to turn off their electronics. That’s not true y’know, only electronics that emit oscillating electro-magnetic frequencies interfere with their equipment. I wonder what emits an oscillating electro-magnetic frequency. I better save this for later...

It’s later. I’m on another plane now. I don’t have as much room this time, but I can see out the window better. It’s always pretty from an airplane window. There’s a man a few rows up with a black and red star tattoo. I’m glad Ticia doesn’t have a tattoo. There’ve only been two tattoos I can think of that I really liked. Ticia has piercings. I always feel the piercing on her belly button. Sometimes it gets in the way. I didn’t call Ticia very much this trip. I used to be on the phone with Jenny all the time when I was away on tennis trips. I don’t want to be like that again. I felt bad for not calling her. I like hearing her voice. I miss her. The girls tennis team asks me about Ticia. I think they do it because Abbe used to ask questions about Jenny. I like it. I like the attention. I didn’t have too much to update for them. We’re happy.

Chris just asked me if there was a bathroom in the back of the plane. I told him yes. I didn’t see it, but there always are. His pupils were small, it made his eyes look really big. Girls think he’s cute. They think DJ’s cute too. I wonder if girls think I’m cute. I wonder what the girls team thinks of me. I’m different sometimes. I’m shy. I wish I weren’t as shy. They gave me peanuts. Honey roasted. One of the fewer things I like about Southwest.

I’ve been on a lot of airplanes flying a lot of different places. Airports bring back a lot of memories for me. I hate waiting so long now - Hurry, we’ll miss it! - We should play tennis in the walkway, no one’s here - I wonder if the plane’s full - I don’t want to go!! - I can’t wait to get out of here - Goodbye - Hello - Lauren should never have been there. There was no reason. There was no need. It makes me so angry. ......Some memories I can’t escape. Some visits to the airport weren’t good ones. Sometimes I wish I could forget things. It’s always the ones you don’t care to remember that linger in the back of your mind. Oy...

...There’s no point in this entry. I should delete it. I haven’t written one in a long time. People read it, I should update them on my life. It’s not that important or that good. You’ve already written a lot, why waste it? ...Sunk cost. I still have reading to do on this flight. I’m going to make myself do work because I’m behind in this class and I have time to catch up now. I’m behind in a lot of things this semester. I hate being behind. I hate that I don’t do things I’m supposed to. I never take care of what I’m supposed to. I’ve been busy. I want to start an internet database of mixed drinks. I would make a website and sell to advertisers. I’m passionate about this. I can do it. It’ll be a lot of work but I think I can do it. If I’m passionate about something I can do it.

I’m reading over my own entry. This is weird. I do like looking out of airplane windows though. I like it when you can see cars out of the airplane window. I wonder where they’re going. Wouldn’t it be cool if I were in space? I hope someday I’ll get the opportunity. I don’t know if I should work for it or not. I don’t put in enough effort. I wonder if anyone’s seen me from an airplane.

I should delete this. I’m particularly scatter-brained today. People will get the wrong impression. People won’t get it. Sure they will. They won’t understand it. They’ll ask me about it. No they won’t, it’s a journal entry. And you haven’t written one in a long time. Am I switching narratives? Which side am I using for the negative? Me or I? I’ve forgotten. You’re thinking too much, just write something. I’m not really sure what to write. Nothing’s new in my life these days. I’m just going day-to-day waiting for the summer. It’s not - this is stupid. I don’t HAVE to update y’know. He thought of that!! That little cut-in there, with the dash! He thought of that earlier and decided to use it. It doesn’t matter. It’s not real, you’re not typing fast enough. It doesn’t matter! You’re just going to go back and revise this later. I know. It’s not a real entry, you’re changing things. Ticia said she thinks journals should be natural, and thus unrevised. I can do it however I want, there’re no rules. I just went back and fixed a previous sentence to make it sound a little different. Oooo, no italics even. It’s not like they’re not gonna see both. What am I, mocking myself now? This is retarded.

There’s really only one thing on my mind. It’s the only thing that keeps coming back. I can’t wait to get back to San Antonio. To Trinity. To Prassel...room 351. To lie in my bed. To reach over and pull her to my chest. I love it when I breathe in deep and feel her whole body against mine...ahhhhh...yeah you do. I like thinking about that. I’m smiling. I think you can end this soon. This’ll leave everyone with a good feeling. That reminds me of a Simpsons episode. Just a few more hours... I’ll get my work done now so I don’t have to do it all tonight. That’ll make Ticia happy. I like making her happy, it makes me happy. I can almost feel her skin. I can’t wait to touch her. Her belly. I like belly rubs. Her hips. My hand fits there. Her legs. So smooth. There’s so much to think about. And I like thinking about it.
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