Pull Me Under
Alright. So my primary site is and has been down for reworking and I am
unable to refrain any longer. I don't care if no one reads this anymore
and if I don't write something I'm afraid of myself.
I am at a point where nothing seems to be going right anymore and nothing seems to work out. Its claustrophobic and I feel stifled. Why am I feeling this way? Financial problems are an ever-present entity and they loom larger on my horizon because a single stray step here or there could mean the end of everything I have worked for and achieved. As of now my balance has shot down to negative and I am accumulating overdraft charges @ $7 a single fucking day and I can't do a bloody thing about it because I don't get my paycheck until February 10th, by which time it will have accumulated to something like $250 in overdrafts ALONE. My February paycheck will barely leave enough over for me to buy my textbooks after [hopefully] bringing back my balance out of the red. So I am looking forward to doing advanced math and such without a textbook of my own. Whatever. My GPA has fallen to 3.78 from the initial 3.94 and it worries me because I can't identify where I faltered. Perhaps the new courses will provide a better prospect. Academic missteps unnerve me very badly because it is the one place where I know that I am of superior calibre. Lately I have not felt the urge to write, rather I attempt to push my feelings away within myself. Which is a bad tactic, as I of all people should know. I did write a fairly good story, and then I tore it up because I could not stand the sight of it. What is happening to me is nothing dramatic. I wish money was not such a fucking issue. How the fuck am I supposed to concentrate on what I want to do when bank balances and college accounts are swirling at the back of my mind? I've been irritable, touchy, and generally snappish of late. And often I unleash it on undeserving people. And that just causes me to hate myself later on. I hate being caught in this cycle of feelings. I hate being unable to get out of it. I hate not having sufficient money. I hate my inability to do anything about it. I hate and I hate the hatred. If this was not enough, my grandfather's health is behaving in an alarming fashion. He is not responding to any treatment, money is flowing out [and I hate that I thought of money in such a context] and no visible effect is perceivable save that he keeps worsening. It has been three weeks now.
People as always are the worst breed of animals ever bred. Save a very few. And these I hold selfishly close to my heart.
I don't think there is anything left to say.
I am at a point where nothing seems to be going right anymore and nothing seems to work out. Its claustrophobic and I feel stifled. Why am I feeling this way? Financial problems are an ever-present entity and they loom larger on my horizon because a single stray step here or there could mean the end of everything I have worked for and achieved. As of now my balance has shot down to negative and I am accumulating overdraft charges @ $7 a single fucking day and I can't do a bloody thing about it because I don't get my paycheck until February 10th, by which time it will have accumulated to something like $250 in overdrafts ALONE. My February paycheck will barely leave enough over for me to buy my textbooks after [hopefully] bringing back my balance out of the red. So I am looking forward to doing advanced math and such without a textbook of my own. Whatever. My GPA has fallen to 3.78 from the initial 3.94 and it worries me because I can't identify where I faltered. Perhaps the new courses will provide a better prospect. Academic missteps unnerve me very badly because it is the one place where I know that I am of superior calibre. Lately I have not felt the urge to write, rather I attempt to push my feelings away within myself. Which is a bad tactic, as I of all people should know. I did write a fairly good story, and then I tore it up because I could not stand the sight of it. What is happening to me is nothing dramatic. I wish money was not such a fucking issue. How the fuck am I supposed to concentrate on what I want to do when bank balances and college accounts are swirling at the back of my mind? I've been irritable, touchy, and generally snappish of late. And often I unleash it on undeserving people. And that just causes me to hate myself later on. I hate being caught in this cycle of feelings. I hate being unable to get out of it. I hate not having sufficient money. I hate my inability to do anything about it. I hate and I hate the hatred. If this was not enough, my grandfather's health is behaving in an alarming fashion. He is not responding to any treatment, money is flowing out [and I hate that I thought of money in such a context] and no visible effect is perceivable save that he keeps worsening. It has been three weeks now.
People as always are the worst breed of animals ever bred. Save a very few. And these I hold selfishly close to my heart.
I don't think there is anything left to say.