Blue Like Jazz (Oneshot)
Title: Blue Like Jazz
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Fluff, Petshop!au
Pairing: Baekxing/Sexing
Length: ~6K
Summary: It wasn't really as much letting go as it was learning to love again.
blue like jazz;
march
Sehun had mentioned wanting a cat once. It’s an unconscious decision, but Yixing somehow finds himself standing in front of the pet shop across the street, half hidden in the March mist, fingers a bit hesitant in pushing the door open, eyes gazing more in memory than at the entrance in front of him.
“May I help you?”
The boy behind the counter looks about his age, attractive even, but Yixing doesn’t notice things like that anymore. “Yeah,” he says listlessly, in an almost subdued whisper, staring at the section marker in front of him marked in bright, curly letters. KITTENS. “I’m looking for a pet.”
“What kind of pet?”
“A cat. Or a kitten. Something fluffy.” Something fluffy doesn’t describe Sehun at all, Yixing thinks. It’s too colorful, too bright, too warm.
“Kittens? Yeah, we’ve got some.” The boy walks over to the cages lined up against the wall and unlocks the one at the top, looking at Yixing for approval. “Snow is the friendliest of the bunch. She’s still young, but she’ll grow in time.” He takes out a tiny white kitten and hands her over to Yixing.
It’s surprising how warm the furry little creature is in his arms, and Yixing almost drops her in surprise. She’s so frail and adorable, not like Sehun at all. “I’ll take her.”
“Is this your first kitten? Do you know how to take care of her?” They move back to the counter, where Yixing cuddles the kitten and watches as the boy fills out papers and lists down all the materials Yixing needs to buy. “I can give you a manual, but you should come over every once in a while and the vet can give her checkups. She has to get shots and all that.”
“Snow isn’t a name that fits her.”
“Really.” The boy stares at him in curiosity, before jotting down a few more notes on the paper. “Do you want to rename her?”
Yixing strokes the kitten’s back and she purrs slightly. Names bring back too many memories for his liking, memories he would rather avoid. “No. It’s fine.”
The boy pauses for a moment, then ventures, “Why don’t you think the name fits?”
Sehun, Yixing thinks, then smiles humorlessly. She’s just another reminder of a ghost and misty, foggy blue days. Somehow jazz fits in because jazz and blue-they’re just reminders of memories he wants to but can’t-won’t let himself-forget. Snow is too pure, too uncomplicated, but maybe it’s better to let go of certain memories before they haunt him too much. “Just because. She doesn’t remind me of snow. But it’s all right. How much will it be?”
The boy has a nice smile, Yixing is forced to admit. His nametag says Baekhyun with a little pawprint stamped to edge of the characters, and he gets flustered when Yixing tells him his name and ends up messing it up twice before Yixing gently pries the pen out of his fingers and writes it for him instead.
It’s cute.
january
It is quiet, too quiet. The silence is overwhelming, even when Yixing can see Sehun’s lips enunciating words. They vibrate in his ears, but somehow, everything seems to pass by as nothing more than a barely audible whisper.
“Let’s break up.”
It takes him a few, long moments for Sehun’s words to fully register. “What?”
“I said, let’s break up.” Sehun stares back at him, challenging him with his icy gaze, something flat about his expression, just like the unspoken words that have been lurking around them for the past few weeks. Yixing had noticed, but not said anything about it. “This entire thing isn’t working out. We’re not a good match. So let’s break up.”
Thing, he says.
Sehun has always been the one who refused the smallest display of affection in public, the one shying away whenever Yixing reached for his hand. Sehun knew this was coming, although arguably, so had Yixing. The difference is, Yixing has always preferred drifting away from reality, if only for a moment, just to forget the things that make him uncomfortable.
“Is it because of me?” The whisper is soft and leaves Yixing’s lips almost inaudibly, and he suddenly doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know if he’s in love with Sehun but he’s probably pretty close to it-maybe it’s not love, but obsession. Sehun is his everything-doesn’t he understand?
“It’s because of us,” Sehun replies coolly, turning away, and Yixing doesn’t understand if he’s talking about the two of them or the concept of us, of being together.
Perhaps it’s the cold look in Sehun’s eyes that freezes Yixing in place and renders him immobile, watching helplessly as Sehun walks away. Maybe Sehun's slipping through his fingers like sand and shadows because he doesn't know if this is love.
Maybe it’s because he knows Sehun will never love him as much as he does.
april
It takes about two weeks for Yixing to give up on figuring out how to take care of Snow, so he finds himself passing the threshold of the pet shop yet again. Baekhyun is still standing behind the counter, head bent over a stack of papers, when Yixing clears his throat lightly.
“Back again?” The boy asks, a look of pleasant surprise on his face.
“Yeah.” Yixing stuffs his hands into his pockets and tries not to look extremely incapable. He’s slightly embarrassed by this visit-one would think that he’d be able to figure out how to take care of a kitten by himself. He can’t decide if he’s glad he can see Baekhyun again (but he pushes the thought away out of his mind because he can’t think of anyone in that way, not after Sehun), or if he’s feeling embarrassed because he needs help. “Um, I’m having some trouble taking care of my kitten.”
“Snow?” Baekhyun asks, and when Yixing nods reluctantly, he laughs softly, but without any malice. “It’s all right. It’s nothing to feel awkward about. People never figure out how to take care of their first pets.”
Baekhyun is distracting, too distracting, and the red flare of an alarm sounds in Yixing’s mind because he’s paying far too much attention to those fingers and eyes, voice and smile. But he tells himself that it’s nothing, because there’s a limit he can take, and Yixing hasn’t crossed the line yet. Maybe.
Two streets and a steaming cup of green tea later, Yixing realizes that Baekhyun somehow remembered all the tiny details of their conversation from weeks ago. He should have forgotten them already.
february
Sehun’s absence leaves a gaping hole, a massive crater in Yixing’s life and he can’t quite figure out how to get out of the seemingly bottomless abyss. It’s too deep for him to climb out of and too wide for him to skirt, as reflected by the overbearing silence in the apartment when it gets late at night and Yixing turns around to tell Sehun something, only to realize that Sehun isn’t there.
So he clings on instead of letting go. It starts with the small things, little details that remind him of Sehun. An old photo he finds in the drawer. The texts Sehun used to send him. A discarded envelope with Sehun’s messy penmanship. It becomes an obsession, clouding his eyes and thoughts until Yixing isn’t sure if he’s holding onto the memory of Sehun because he truly misses him, or if he just needs someone to pine after.
There's this one memory that has left the greatest impression on Yixing. It was their first night, sitting back-to-back on the floor, gazing at the ceiling as if they could see the twinkling sky right through the plaster, speaking softly about some fantastical future together. Sehun had mentioned having a family, and Yixing had let himself be swept up in a dream of living the rest of his life with Sehun. They were fresh, just starting out, and in the rush of something new, Yixing thinks both of them believed in true love and something like the childish ideal of finding soulmates.
“We could adopt children and get a cat,” Sehun had whispered, threading their fingers together and closing his eyes. He had felt warm and comforting against Yixing, and Yixing hadn’t wanted to move. They could have sat there forever. “That would be nice.”
They had kissed then, Sehun turning around to capture Yixing’s lips with his own and soothing the quiet of the night into their touches. Yixing kept the thought of getting a cat in his mind, and Sehun never mentioned it again afterwards, but it swirled around Yixing’s mind all the same.
Sehun's gone now and Yixing is left with nothing but the fragments of his memory and a scrunched-up piece of note paper with the address of the local pet store scrawled on it. He decides to get a kitten. Partly in the memory of Sehun, and partly because it's another reminder of what was once (perhaps never) his.
july
July is stifling hot, too warm to stay outside for extended periods of time. Air conditioners only last for so long before the smell reminds Yixing too much of offices and enclosed spaces, driving him outside to escape the artificial cool of his apartment. Being alone for too long still reminds him too much of Sehun, and Snow likes disappears for hours at a time, only for Yixing to find her sleeping in the cool shade of the closet. Yixing would actually like to join her there when the air conditioner can’t keep up with the heat, but unfortunately, the closet is too small for him to fit in.
Baekhyun doesn’t look surprised when Yixing walks into the pet shop anymore. Yixing attributes that to visiting the store several times a week. He's not actually looking for things to buy for Snow, but rather he just wants to be somewhere with someone. Someone to talk to, someone to drive his loneliness away. By someone, he means Baekhyun, but that’s something Yixing would rather Baekhyun not know about. He still hasn’t forgotten the invisible line he’s drawn in his mind between intrigue and danger. Baekhyun is intriguing, fascinating, and nothing like Sehun, but Yixing knows the moment he thinks of Baekhyun as someone like Sehun, the danger begins.
“Are you guys hiring?” he asks one afternoon. The heat is making him drowsy; Baekhyun’s almost done with his shift and currently cleaning up. The boy looks up at him and shrugs as he sweeps the floor.
“Yeah. We’re always hiring. If you haven’t noticed, we’re rather short on staff.”
Yixing has noticed, due to the fact that the only person he ever sees behind the counter is Baekhyun. Granted, the pet shop is slightly small, but he imagines Baekhyun working there all by himself every day, taking care of all the animals, and shudders. Loneliness is a terrible thing, clawing at every drop of joy until it sucks everything away. Perhaps that’s why he likes talking to Baekhyun. The lonely seek each other.
“I should apply.”
“Hmm?” Baekhyun’s voice is nonchalant, and a look of mild interest only briefly crosses his face, but he accidentally knocks the broom over when he bends over to retrieve the dustpan. “Why?”
“I’ve got nothing else to do.” It’s true. All Yixing has done for the past few months is show up for class and walk out of the university campus at the end of the day with nothing to do but talk to Baekhyun at the pet shop or sit on the sofa with Snow on his lap and watch television. “And I could keep you some company.”
“Are you suggesting something?” Baekhyun laughs, and Yixing freezes, because now that he thinks about it, he’s only getting a job at the pet store to be with Baekhyun. His toes are teetering at the edge of the line, a hair's breadth from crossing it.
“What do you think?” he responds, and if Baekhyun notices the tremor in his voice, he doesn’t say anything about it.
“Go apply,” Baekhyun says offhandedly, and Yixing gives a mock bow before walking over to fill out an application form. He realizes he's trembling, maybe because he’s not sure if he’s just crossed the line or not.
Maybe he’s already in too deep.
june
On his way home, Yixing catches sight of a familiar head and ducks on instinct, heart racing. He’s run his fingers through that hair enough times to recognize it anywhere. It’s silly-of course he knew Sehun would still be in the city, and that they would cross paths every once in a while, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t panic and hide because seeing Sehun is too painful, a wound still too raw.
He waits for a few minutes, absolutely sure that people are tossing strange looks his way. He figures the coast is clear and that the worst has come to pass, but then suddenly he realizes there’s a pair of shoes approaching him, and he holds his breath in fear because he knows those shoes too.
The shoes come to a halt before him. Yixing, still crouched on the ground, slowly tilts his head upward to meet Oh Sehun's piercing, icy glare.
“What are you doing here?” Sehun’s voice is smooth, stoic. Bland. No hint of I missed you or I regret leaving. The only thing is, his face is still as beautiful to Yixing as it was before, all flawless lips, twinkling eyes and a pale expanse of snowy skin.
“What are you doing here?” Even to his own ears, Yixing hears the emotion in his voice, trembling and toeing the brink of cracking. Definitely hinting at I missed you but I don’t want to see, much less talk to, you because you’re drilling a goddamn hole in my heart.
Sehun doesn’t answer, merely looks down at him, so Yixing shuffles around rather awkwardly until he’s managed to stand up again and look into Sehun’s eyes.
“Well,” he says as nonchalantly and cheerfully as he can, but everything sounds so painfully fake in his ears, “I guess there’s no need for me to stay if there’s nothing to talk about.” He half-waves and starts to walk away, trembling and breathing irregularly because he’s been talking to Sehun and it’s almost too painful to bear.
“Yixing,” Sehun begins, and Yixing decides that now would be a very good time to spring off into the distance, hands clamped over his ears to avoid hearing anything else.
He doesn’t need Sehun, he tells himself, but he doubts he’s doing a good job kidding himself, much less everyone else, when his tears blur his vision and he can’t stop shaking no matter how many deep breaths he takes to calm himself.
may
Baekhyun has this very nice smile, in which his lips turn up halfway and his eyes crinkle at the edges as if he’s too shy to let anyone know how truly happy he is. He has a habit of talking too much when there’s nothing else to do, flitting around the cages and carriers of the pet shop, rambling on and on about different species of birds and how the gender of a parakeet can be told by the color of its beak.
Sometimes Yixing brings Snow over and the kitten plods along as Baekhyun circles the store, towing Yixing behind him as they talk. It feels almost natural to spend his afternoons walking with Baekhyun, as if Yixing has been doing this for years and years. Baekhyun talks a lot, and Yixing’s a good listener, so they fit well together.
Yixing starts to keep a mental list after a while, one tentatively titled Things I Like About Baekhyun-tentatively because he doesn’t want to like Baekhyun, but it’s like some subconscious thought bothering at him all day long because Baekhyun…he can be just friends with Baekhyun, right? It's not like there's anything particular about Baekhyun’s voice or smile or eyes or face.
Right. If there was ever to be a Guinness World Record or an Olympic title for World's Worst Persuader, Yixing thinks he'd have that in the bag. He can’t even convince himself.
But for every time Sehun pops up in a remote corner of his mind, Yixing distances himself from Baekhyun some more. He shuts his mouth and bites his tongue when he wants to say something, because Sehun had always looked at him with those bright eyes and pouting lips. He'd stick his tongue out, voice both husky and gentle against his ear before whispering, Yixing hyung, you like me the best, don't you?
It doesn’t matter, anyway. Baekhyun tends to drift off every once in a while and stares into the distance with blank eyes, as if he’s recalling something Yixing isn’t quite sure Baekhyun wants to remember.
“I’m scared of falling in love, you know,” Yixing thinks he hears him mumble once, “because what happens if the other person doesn’t love you back?”
“Sorry, what?” Yixing asks, but Baekhyun only answers with a small twitch of his lips, too sad, too sorrowful to be called a smile.
august
“Duck!”
Yixing bends down a second too late and ends up getting a face full of towel thrown at him. He picks the droopy cloth off the floor and glares at Baekhyun, who’s standing in front of him with a mischievous and not-at-all-sorry expression, as if he’s trying not to laugh.
“Yah,” Yixing says, trying to sound as annoyed as possible, but he never could contain his laughter for long. “What was that for?”
“You looked lost,” Baekhyun shrugs, his eyes still crinkling into those beautiful crescents even though his lips have gone back to a neutral position. “I decided to put you back on track.”
“Really?” Yixing goes back to sorting out the papers behind the counter and nonchalantly begins stapling packets together while Baekhyun resumes scrubbing the floor. “Well thanks, I guess. For making me pay attention. Like this-”
Before Baekhyun can react, Yixing throws the towel back at him. He catches the other off guard, and the next few seconds are rather chaotic, with Baekhyun flailing about and trying to catch Yixing and throw the towel back at him. Yixing can’t tell if he’s laughing or gasping for breath, but whatever it is, he’s feeling happy for once, sticking out his tongue childishly and running away from Baekhyun before he gets pelted with the towel again.
Baekhyun catches up with him in a corner, cutting off all means of escape as he advances towards Yixing with a smirk and playfully waves the towel under his nose. Yixing throws his hands up in surrender.
“Okay, you win.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m not going to throw this at you,” Baekhyun teases gleefully, and reels his arm back, like a pitcher before he throws a ball. As he leans, he loses his balance and falls forward, stopping only when Yixing reflexively puts out a hand to steady him.
“Sorry,” Baekhyun mumbles, and Yixing realizes that they’re standing much too close for comfort, almost pressed against each other, and his face starts to heat up. Baekhyun’s breaths come a bit shorter, quicker. “Um-”
Almost on impulse, Yixing leans forward, staring into Baekhyun’s eyes. Baekhyun stares back, slightly bewildered, eyes widened, surprise in his face. Their lips hover mere centimeters from each other's, hesitant, waiting. Yixing doesn’t know if wanting is included. As he inches closer, Baekhyun closes his eyes, long eyelashes ghosting against his skin and leaving beautifully slender shadows in their wake. Yixing presses his lips against Baekhyun’s.
But it lasts only for a moment, because just as Baekhyun begins to respond, Yixing pulls back in horror, starting to shake as he realizes what he almost did. “S-Sorry,” he stammers, stepping away, numb and paralyzed. Yixing sees the line flashing dangerously beneath his foot, red and yellow and a blaring siren in his ears. In all honesty, he's only just crossed it-but just still counts as crossing, and if he doesn’t stop now, there’s no turning back.
Baekhyun stares helplessly as Yixing hastily packs his bag and all but runs out the door of the pet shop, not even sparing a glance behind him.
With Sehun, it had started with a kiss too. But with Sehun, it had ended with only tears.
october
“You said you wanted to meet.”
“And you actually agreed?” Sehun’s expression gives nothing away, but his fingers twitch slightly on the tabletop and Yixing averts his gaze. “I didn’t think you would answer.”
“Would you rather I leave?” Yixing makes to stand up and Sehun’s expression changes to something hastier, desperate even, and he motions for Yixing to sit down again. Yixing sighs and drops back into his seat, pointedly staring at the wall behind Sehun.
“What do you want?”
Sehun’s lips curl slightly upwards, but Yixing can’t tell if he’s amused, mocking, or contemplative. “You’ve become a lot more abrupt, hyung. Distrustful, even.”
Don’t call me hyung, Yixing wants to say, but he merely tightens his grip on his coffee cup and takes slow, steady breaths, watching his knuckles turn white. “You would know why.”
Sehun’s expression turns cool and distant again, cut off from Yixing. Yixing has never liked that aspect of Sehun. He never knew what he was thinking, if he felt even the slightest semblance of love for Yixing, and that in itself was the wedge that irrevocably drove them apart. Or maybe they were just never meant to be in the first place. “As I told you, I want to talk. And I guess you still hold me in high enough regard to talk with me, even after nine months?”
You make me cry. I still can’t quite get over you. “Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten over you completely, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
“You wouldn’t have run away from me that time we met on street.”
“You’re right.” Yixing pushes his cup away and stands up, voice choking with sudden unshed tears as he avoids Sehun’s gaze furiously. “I don’t think I’ve gotten over you. Are you happy now? Are you here to gloat over that? You never loved me, did you? Or liked me, even. So if we don’t have anything important to talk about, I’ll leave. I have more important things to do.”
“Hyung,” Sehun says quietly, and Yixing pauses at the door, because Sehun sounds more emotional than he has ever been in Yixing’s presence. “I do have important things to talk about. I told you. I missed you. I’m sorry.”
“And?” Yixing asks softly, turning around to face Sehun again. Sehun stares at him with almost imploring eyes, and Yixing suddenly remembers Sehun’s hands in his hair, Sehun’s lips on his, Sehun whispering you’re my favorite hyung.
“Let’s start over, hyung. Please. Let’s try again. Let’s try us again.”
november
The autumn air is chilly that day, tugging at the strands of Yixing’s scarf, reminding him that winter is only a week or so away as he arrives at the pet store and brushes off the stray leaves stuck to his boots. Baekhyun is already sorting through files as Yixing walks in, and the sudden heat sends tingles down Yixing’s arms as Baekhyun looks up. The pet shop seems extremely warm compared to the frosty bite of the wind outside.
“Hey.” Baekhyun gives him a nod and goes back to sorting through the papers, and Yixing sighs inwardly. It’s been this way for some time. Awkward. Hesitant. Neither of them know what to say to each other because even though it’s been a few months, Yixing is pretty sure they both remember the almost-kiss they had rather vividly.
His phone buzzes and Yixing takes it out of his pocket to see that Sehun has sent him a text. Where are you right now? I want to visit you.
Yixing doesn’t know what to think about Sehun, about this entire concept of us. He should be happy. He should be overjoyed. Yet it feels like he’s the one crawling on his knees begging for Sehun to take him back instead of the other way around. Sehun is the one who asked to try again, but Yixing feels like it’s more of his own doing.
He supposes a certain coworker named Byun Baekhyun has partly to do with his conflicted emotions. Sehun is acting extremely out of character and overly nice anyways, which makes Yixing feel uncomfortable. Remember the pet store across the street from our apartment? I’m there right now.
He pauses, because he doesn’t know what Baekhyun would think, and he’s not sure if he wants Baekhyun to see Sehun, but it’s too late. He’s already pressed the send button.
“What are you doing at a pet shop?” Sehun asks when he walks through the entrance and Yixing shrugs. Baekhyun suddenly is nowhere to be seen, and Yixing vaguely recalls him saying something about needing to check on the cats five minutes ago.
“I work here. I needed something to do.”
“Hm.” Sehun looks around the shop curiously, expression distant as he stares at the animals and supplies. For some reason, Yixing feels like he’s stuck in a pressure cooker, slowly building up, about to burst with something but he doesn’t know what. Something to do with trying to figure out Sehun and Baekhyun and if he really needs Sehun after the months he's unhealthily spent pining after him. Something to do with wondering if this just isn’t right.
“What do you do when you-”
“I got a kitten,” Yixing blurts out, and when Sehun turns around in surprise, he takes a deep breath and continues, “I got a kitten because I remembered that you wanted a cat when we were talking about living together and-”
Sehun cuts him off by grabbing his collar and slamming him against the counter, mouth already half parted against Yixing’s. The familiar sparks begin to collide once again and Yixing finds himself on the verge of closing his eyes, almost drowning in that bottomless abyss he'd only just get hauled out of, when he catches sight of a figure in the corner of his eyes. He freezes.
Baekhyun is watching them, eyes wide and glossy, and Yixing knows those are tears threatening to spill over any minute. It takes Baekhyun only a split second to turn away from the sight and disappear round the corner, but it also takes Yixing onto that split second to realize exactly what he was going to say to Sehun. In the end, there was no need for Baekhyun and Yixing to avoid each other. It’s all Yixing’s fault anyways, for running away. He’s been leading Baekhyun around and around in circles without even knowing it, a maze of confusion, a terrible game they've both been unconsciously playing.
“Stop it.” Yixing pushes Sehun away and they stare at each other, slightly breathless, palpable tension hanging between them. “You didn’t let me finish what I was going to say.”
“I got carried away,” Sehun admits quietly, still staring into Yixing’s eyes, as if his gaze alone was strong enough to overpower Yixing's thoughts. “You mentioned the whole kitten thing and I… I realized you’ve been thinking of me, even after all this time.”
“Don’t lie.”
Sehun steps back, evidently surprised by the sudden vehemence in Yixing’s tone. Yixing is surprised too, but he forces himself to continue. “I think I did love you for a while. Maybe for more than a while. But that was an obsession, not love. Love is never about wanting something so badly that you can’t function. Love is never about possession. You made me happy, Sehun-ah. Really. At least, in the beginning. So thank you for that.”
“What are you-”
“You never loved me, or liked me that much. Or maybe you did. But that faded away with time, right? And I don’t know why you’re even asking after me now-maybe you just missed having someone to talk to or something. But it was never about love or affection or anything like that. I'm right, aren't I?”
Sehun stays silent, eyes downcast, and Yixing has the terrible feeling of being right about something he might have not wanted to be correct about.
“It was pointless getting a kitten for you because some memories are meant for letting go, but I didn’t realize that.” He takes a long, shaky breath, and nods towards the door. “So I’m leaving this time, and we both know it’s for the better. You were right. It’s because of us. It didn't work out and probably never will. I’m sorry for that.”
Silence wraps around them like a blanket, and eerily so, until Yixing can hear even the faint squawks of the parakeets from the very back of the pet shop. Sehun opens his mouth as if to say something, but then ultimately seems to decide against it. He gives Yixing a resigned nod and walks away, out of the pet store, out of Yixing’s sight, out of Yixing's heart. It’s like the ending of a story, but not quite. Yixing stands rooted there for a minute or so, staring after Sehun's retreating back, before he realizes that Baekhyun is out there somewhere, and needs a lot of explaining.
He finds the other boy scrubbing furiously at one of the fish tanks, brows furrowed as he works. Yixing waits a few moments before kneeling down beside him. “Hey.”
“So you’re back.” Baekhyun’s voice is frigidly cold, cut off. “I hope you had fun kissing.”
“I didn’t ask for the kiss.”
“Who is he?” Baekhyun demands, all pretense of not caring gone, the fire in his eyes blazing furiously as he stares up at Yixing. “Someone you know?”
Yixing is pretty sure Baekhyun knows he’s not the type of person who randomly kisses strangers (taking into account their almost-kiss in August and the implication that Yixing would rather kiss Baekhyun more than anybody else), but the desperation that seeps through Baekhyun’s voice surprises him. He looks down at his shoes, and Sehun’s hair sweeping across his eyes flashes in his mind. “He was…my ex-boyfriend, you could say.”
“But you kissed him.”
“I…” Yixing trails off and sighs. “I don’t know. But-”
“You don’t know?” Baekhyun’s voice is two parts incredulous, three parts hurt. “You don’t know?”
“Baekyun-” Yixing begins, but the other boy already has a head start. Baekhyun dumps his brush in the bucket next to him and makes a run for it. Yixing sprints up after him, but he rounds the corner and it's too late-Baekhyun is nowhere in sight.
“I left him this time,” Yixing says quietly to himself in the silence that follows, “because I realized you are more important to me than he will ever dream of being.”
september
The first text comes at around two in the morning, and it’s a simple sentence. I miss you.
But the thing is, it’s not simple at all, because Yixing realizes a few seconds later that the text is from Sehun. Over the months, he’s learned to ignore the little contact profile that says “Oh Sehun”. He won't lie though, every time he did see it, a pang of something-it's not nausea, but it's not sorrow either-hits him. He coudn’t bring himself to delete it, not after trying so hard to cling onto the fragments of memories he had with Sehun.
The second text comes a few minutes later, and Yixing realizes Sehun’s actually being serious. The first text wasn't a mistake. I want to meet you again. Can we talk? I’ve been thinking of you.
The third text causes Yixing’s heart to plummet-but he’s not sure why. I have something to ask of you. I’ve missed you. A lot. It was wrong for me to walk out. I’m sorry for that.
Let’s meet again.
december
Baekhyun isn’t at work when Yixing walks in on Monday morning, but a vehement search through the phone book scores him Baekhyun's home address. Yixing locks up the pet store and runs through the falling snow until he reaches Baekhyun’s apartment a few blocks away.
His fingers freeze over the doorbell, but this is what he’s here for, right? In the heat of the moment, Yixing jabs the cool metal button with more force than he'd intended.
The first thing Baekhyun says when he opens the door and sees Yixing is, “If you’re here to ask why I’m not at work, it’s because I’m taking a day off.” Then, he seems to realize that Yixing is standing in front of his apartment and narrows his eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m freezing,” Yixing supplies helpfully. “You should let me in before I get frostbite or something and die in the snow. I like my fingers too much to lose them.”
Baekhyun looks as if he’s about to refuse, then sighs and jerks his head towards the apartment. “Come in then.”
“You’re angry at me, aren’t you,” Yixing observes as he plops down on Baekhyun’s sofa and stares out the window at the falling snow. Baekhyun remains silent. “The guy from yesterday-his name is Sehun.”
“I don’t really care,” Baekhyun says stiffly, sitting down next to Yixing and busying himself with a pillow on the sofa. “It doesn’t matter.”
“There’s this concept of us we talked about. We decided it wouldn’t work out. He hurt me a lot. It really wouldn't have worked out in the first place.”
Baekhyun seems to suddenly decide that the pillow he's working on has done him a great wrong, fingers almost yanking at the frayed ends of the fabric. Yixing takes a deep breath and pauses, unsure of what to say next.
“Let me tell you this,” Baekhyun says, in all seriousness, although his shaking voice all but betrays him, staring down at his hands. “You probably know this already, so maybe you’re here to gloat or something, but I like you, you idiot. Okay? Sometimes, I think I like you so much that I can’t even stand myself, because you’ll probably never like me back. But then you had to go kiss me, and I thought maybe, it would work out, but you ran away and the next thing I know, you’re kissing some ex-boyfriend and-”
“Because I’ve been leading you around in circles.”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun's voice drops to a whisper. “Circles.”
“Then let me tell you this,” Yixing whispers back. “I can explain everything later, but right now all I want to tell you is that I really, really like you too. Also, Sehun is an ungrateful, cold jerk and I really don’t like him at the moment. Is that good enough for now?”
“I guess,” Baekhyun says slowly, staring up at Yixing in some sort of delayed surprise. “I’m dreaming, aren’t I?”
“You’re not,” Yixing assures him, and just to make his point even clearer, he leans over and kisses Baekhyun. Something about the concept of us flits in the back of his mind. This one fits.
“I’m not running away this time, am I?” Yixing says when they break apart. Baekhyun looks up at him with swollen lips and a dazed expression in his eyes.
“No,” Baekhyun manages, and finally, everything feels all right again.
january (next year)
That day, the first thing Yixing does when he wakes up in the morning is grab his phone and send a text message. Happy first anniversary of our breakup.
Sehun responds a few minutes later. …You don’t hate me, do you?
No, Yixing replies, then after a moment’s thought, adds, I wish you well. I’ll still think of you as a friend. He looks around the room. It's calm and almost like paradise in the quiet stillness of the early morning. It’s still seven in the morning, a Saturday morning, and Snow is curled up in her basket in the corner of the room. The wall clock is ticking, the sun's rays falling gently over the wooden floor through the cracks between the curtains.
Yixing smiles slightly to himself and sinks into the sheets, drifting back to sleep next to Baekhyun.
exoforsichuan fic #1‼ (out of four in total OTL) and written for jelligom ^^
first of all sehun’s face is very beautiful also he is a cute little fricker and i hate him forever gwiyomi and rainbow hair do not serve well to lengthen my life second of all why is it so hot in summer i’m going to die help i am not used to heat third of all exo (flipping tables emoticon)
why is catbug so cute like o h m y g o d
i’m sorry this turned out like a drama wails i need to stop watching so many dramas
infinite love for chels (sunlit) for betaing!! she is amazing and made this fic so much better oh my gosh ;;
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Fluff, Petshop!au
Pairing: Baekxing/Sexing
Length: ~6K
Summary: It wasn't really as much letting go as it was learning to love again.
blue like jazz;
march
Sehun had mentioned wanting a cat once. It’s an unconscious decision, but Yixing somehow finds himself standing in front of the pet shop across the street, half hidden in the March mist, fingers a bit hesitant in pushing the door open, eyes gazing more in memory than at the entrance in front of him.
“May I help you?”
The boy behind the counter looks about his age, attractive even, but Yixing doesn’t notice things like that anymore. “Yeah,” he says listlessly, in an almost subdued whisper, staring at the section marker in front of him marked in bright, curly letters. KITTENS. “I’m looking for a pet.”
“What kind of pet?”
“A cat. Or a kitten. Something fluffy.” Something fluffy doesn’t describe Sehun at all, Yixing thinks. It’s too colorful, too bright, too warm.
“Kittens? Yeah, we’ve got some.” The boy walks over to the cages lined up against the wall and unlocks the one at the top, looking at Yixing for approval. “Snow is the friendliest of the bunch. She’s still young, but she’ll grow in time.” He takes out a tiny white kitten and hands her over to Yixing.
It’s surprising how warm the furry little creature is in his arms, and Yixing almost drops her in surprise. She’s so frail and adorable, not like Sehun at all. “I’ll take her.”
“Is this your first kitten? Do you know how to take care of her?” They move back to the counter, where Yixing cuddles the kitten and watches as the boy fills out papers and lists down all the materials Yixing needs to buy. “I can give you a manual, but you should come over every once in a while and the vet can give her checkups. She has to get shots and all that.”
“Snow isn’t a name that fits her.”
“Really.” The boy stares at him in curiosity, before jotting down a few more notes on the paper. “Do you want to rename her?”
Yixing strokes the kitten’s back and she purrs slightly. Names bring back too many memories for his liking, memories he would rather avoid. “No. It’s fine.”
The boy pauses for a moment, then ventures, “Why don’t you think the name fits?”
Sehun, Yixing thinks, then smiles humorlessly. She’s just another reminder of a ghost and misty, foggy blue days. Somehow jazz fits in because jazz and blue-they’re just reminders of memories he wants to but can’t-won’t let himself-forget. Snow is too pure, too uncomplicated, but maybe it’s better to let go of certain memories before they haunt him too much. “Just because. She doesn’t remind me of snow. But it’s all right. How much will it be?”
The boy has a nice smile, Yixing is forced to admit. His nametag says Baekhyun with a little pawprint stamped to edge of the characters, and he gets flustered when Yixing tells him his name and ends up messing it up twice before Yixing gently pries the pen out of his fingers and writes it for him instead.
It’s cute.
january
It is quiet, too quiet. The silence is overwhelming, even when Yixing can see Sehun’s lips enunciating words. They vibrate in his ears, but somehow, everything seems to pass by as nothing more than a barely audible whisper.
“Let’s break up.”
It takes him a few, long moments for Sehun’s words to fully register. “What?”
“I said, let’s break up.” Sehun stares back at him, challenging him with his icy gaze, something flat about his expression, just like the unspoken words that have been lurking around them for the past few weeks. Yixing had noticed, but not said anything about it. “This entire thing isn’t working out. We’re not a good match. So let’s break up.”
Thing, he says.
Sehun has always been the one who refused the smallest display of affection in public, the one shying away whenever Yixing reached for his hand. Sehun knew this was coming, although arguably, so had Yixing. The difference is, Yixing has always preferred drifting away from reality, if only for a moment, just to forget the things that make him uncomfortable.
“Is it because of me?” The whisper is soft and leaves Yixing’s lips almost inaudibly, and he suddenly doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know if he’s in love with Sehun but he’s probably pretty close to it-maybe it’s not love, but obsession. Sehun is his everything-doesn’t he understand?
“It’s because of us,” Sehun replies coolly, turning away, and Yixing doesn’t understand if he’s talking about the two of them or the concept of us, of being together.
Perhaps it’s the cold look in Sehun’s eyes that freezes Yixing in place and renders him immobile, watching helplessly as Sehun walks away. Maybe Sehun's slipping through his fingers like sand and shadows because he doesn't know if this is love.
Maybe it’s because he knows Sehun will never love him as much as he does.
april
It takes about two weeks for Yixing to give up on figuring out how to take care of Snow, so he finds himself passing the threshold of the pet shop yet again. Baekhyun is still standing behind the counter, head bent over a stack of papers, when Yixing clears his throat lightly.
“Back again?” The boy asks, a look of pleasant surprise on his face.
“Yeah.” Yixing stuffs his hands into his pockets and tries not to look extremely incapable. He’s slightly embarrassed by this visit-one would think that he’d be able to figure out how to take care of a kitten by himself. He can’t decide if he’s glad he can see Baekhyun again (but he pushes the thought away out of his mind because he can’t think of anyone in that way, not after Sehun), or if he’s feeling embarrassed because he needs help. “Um, I’m having some trouble taking care of my kitten.”
“Snow?” Baekhyun asks, and when Yixing nods reluctantly, he laughs softly, but without any malice. “It’s all right. It’s nothing to feel awkward about. People never figure out how to take care of their first pets.”
Baekhyun is distracting, too distracting, and the red flare of an alarm sounds in Yixing’s mind because he’s paying far too much attention to those fingers and eyes, voice and smile. But he tells himself that it’s nothing, because there’s a limit he can take, and Yixing hasn’t crossed the line yet. Maybe.
Two streets and a steaming cup of green tea later, Yixing realizes that Baekhyun somehow remembered all the tiny details of their conversation from weeks ago. He should have forgotten them already.
february
Sehun’s absence leaves a gaping hole, a massive crater in Yixing’s life and he can’t quite figure out how to get out of the seemingly bottomless abyss. It’s too deep for him to climb out of and too wide for him to skirt, as reflected by the overbearing silence in the apartment when it gets late at night and Yixing turns around to tell Sehun something, only to realize that Sehun isn’t there.
So he clings on instead of letting go. It starts with the small things, little details that remind him of Sehun. An old photo he finds in the drawer. The texts Sehun used to send him. A discarded envelope with Sehun’s messy penmanship. It becomes an obsession, clouding his eyes and thoughts until Yixing isn’t sure if he’s holding onto the memory of Sehun because he truly misses him, or if he just needs someone to pine after.
There's this one memory that has left the greatest impression on Yixing. It was their first night, sitting back-to-back on the floor, gazing at the ceiling as if they could see the twinkling sky right through the plaster, speaking softly about some fantastical future together. Sehun had mentioned having a family, and Yixing had let himself be swept up in a dream of living the rest of his life with Sehun. They were fresh, just starting out, and in the rush of something new, Yixing thinks both of them believed in true love and something like the childish ideal of finding soulmates.
“We could adopt children and get a cat,” Sehun had whispered, threading their fingers together and closing his eyes. He had felt warm and comforting against Yixing, and Yixing hadn’t wanted to move. They could have sat there forever. “That would be nice.”
They had kissed then, Sehun turning around to capture Yixing’s lips with his own and soothing the quiet of the night into their touches. Yixing kept the thought of getting a cat in his mind, and Sehun never mentioned it again afterwards, but it swirled around Yixing’s mind all the same.
Sehun's gone now and Yixing is left with nothing but the fragments of his memory and a scrunched-up piece of note paper with the address of the local pet store scrawled on it. He decides to get a kitten. Partly in the memory of Sehun, and partly because it's another reminder of what was once (perhaps never) his.
july
July is stifling hot, too warm to stay outside for extended periods of time. Air conditioners only last for so long before the smell reminds Yixing too much of offices and enclosed spaces, driving him outside to escape the artificial cool of his apartment. Being alone for too long still reminds him too much of Sehun, and Snow likes disappears for hours at a time, only for Yixing to find her sleeping in the cool shade of the closet. Yixing would actually like to join her there when the air conditioner can’t keep up with the heat, but unfortunately, the closet is too small for him to fit in.
Baekhyun doesn’t look surprised when Yixing walks into the pet shop anymore. Yixing attributes that to visiting the store several times a week. He's not actually looking for things to buy for Snow, but rather he just wants to be somewhere with someone. Someone to talk to, someone to drive his loneliness away. By someone, he means Baekhyun, but that’s something Yixing would rather Baekhyun not know about. He still hasn’t forgotten the invisible line he’s drawn in his mind between intrigue and danger. Baekhyun is intriguing, fascinating, and nothing like Sehun, but Yixing knows the moment he thinks of Baekhyun as someone like Sehun, the danger begins.
“Are you guys hiring?” he asks one afternoon. The heat is making him drowsy; Baekhyun’s almost done with his shift and currently cleaning up. The boy looks up at him and shrugs as he sweeps the floor.
“Yeah. We’re always hiring. If you haven’t noticed, we’re rather short on staff.”
Yixing has noticed, due to the fact that the only person he ever sees behind the counter is Baekhyun. Granted, the pet shop is slightly small, but he imagines Baekhyun working there all by himself every day, taking care of all the animals, and shudders. Loneliness is a terrible thing, clawing at every drop of joy until it sucks everything away. Perhaps that’s why he likes talking to Baekhyun. The lonely seek each other.
“I should apply.”
“Hmm?” Baekhyun’s voice is nonchalant, and a look of mild interest only briefly crosses his face, but he accidentally knocks the broom over when he bends over to retrieve the dustpan. “Why?”
“I’ve got nothing else to do.” It’s true. All Yixing has done for the past few months is show up for class and walk out of the university campus at the end of the day with nothing to do but talk to Baekhyun at the pet shop or sit on the sofa with Snow on his lap and watch television. “And I could keep you some company.”
“Are you suggesting something?” Baekhyun laughs, and Yixing freezes, because now that he thinks about it, he’s only getting a job at the pet store to be with Baekhyun. His toes are teetering at the edge of the line, a hair's breadth from crossing it.
“What do you think?” he responds, and if Baekhyun notices the tremor in his voice, he doesn’t say anything about it.
“Go apply,” Baekhyun says offhandedly, and Yixing gives a mock bow before walking over to fill out an application form. He realizes he's trembling, maybe because he’s not sure if he’s just crossed the line or not.
Maybe he’s already in too deep.
june
On his way home, Yixing catches sight of a familiar head and ducks on instinct, heart racing. He’s run his fingers through that hair enough times to recognize it anywhere. It’s silly-of course he knew Sehun would still be in the city, and that they would cross paths every once in a while, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t panic and hide because seeing Sehun is too painful, a wound still too raw.
He waits for a few minutes, absolutely sure that people are tossing strange looks his way. He figures the coast is clear and that the worst has come to pass, but then suddenly he realizes there’s a pair of shoes approaching him, and he holds his breath in fear because he knows those shoes too.
The shoes come to a halt before him. Yixing, still crouched on the ground, slowly tilts his head upward to meet Oh Sehun's piercing, icy glare.
“What are you doing here?” Sehun’s voice is smooth, stoic. Bland. No hint of I missed you or I regret leaving. The only thing is, his face is still as beautiful to Yixing as it was before, all flawless lips, twinkling eyes and a pale expanse of snowy skin.
“What are you doing here?” Even to his own ears, Yixing hears the emotion in his voice, trembling and toeing the brink of cracking. Definitely hinting at I missed you but I don’t want to see, much less talk to, you because you’re drilling a goddamn hole in my heart.
Sehun doesn’t answer, merely looks down at him, so Yixing shuffles around rather awkwardly until he’s managed to stand up again and look into Sehun’s eyes.
“Well,” he says as nonchalantly and cheerfully as he can, but everything sounds so painfully fake in his ears, “I guess there’s no need for me to stay if there’s nothing to talk about.” He half-waves and starts to walk away, trembling and breathing irregularly because he’s been talking to Sehun and it’s almost too painful to bear.
“Yixing,” Sehun begins, and Yixing decides that now would be a very good time to spring off into the distance, hands clamped over his ears to avoid hearing anything else.
He doesn’t need Sehun, he tells himself, but he doubts he’s doing a good job kidding himself, much less everyone else, when his tears blur his vision and he can’t stop shaking no matter how many deep breaths he takes to calm himself.
may
Baekhyun has this very nice smile, in which his lips turn up halfway and his eyes crinkle at the edges as if he’s too shy to let anyone know how truly happy he is. He has a habit of talking too much when there’s nothing else to do, flitting around the cages and carriers of the pet shop, rambling on and on about different species of birds and how the gender of a parakeet can be told by the color of its beak.
Sometimes Yixing brings Snow over and the kitten plods along as Baekhyun circles the store, towing Yixing behind him as they talk. It feels almost natural to spend his afternoons walking with Baekhyun, as if Yixing has been doing this for years and years. Baekhyun talks a lot, and Yixing’s a good listener, so they fit well together.
Yixing starts to keep a mental list after a while, one tentatively titled Things I Like About Baekhyun-tentatively because he doesn’t want to like Baekhyun, but it’s like some subconscious thought bothering at him all day long because Baekhyun…he can be just friends with Baekhyun, right? It's not like there's anything particular about Baekhyun’s voice or smile or eyes or face.
Right. If there was ever to be a Guinness World Record or an Olympic title for World's Worst Persuader, Yixing thinks he'd have that in the bag. He can’t even convince himself.
But for every time Sehun pops up in a remote corner of his mind, Yixing distances himself from Baekhyun some more. He shuts his mouth and bites his tongue when he wants to say something, because Sehun had always looked at him with those bright eyes and pouting lips. He'd stick his tongue out, voice both husky and gentle against his ear before whispering, Yixing hyung, you like me the best, don't you?
It doesn’t matter, anyway. Baekhyun tends to drift off every once in a while and stares into the distance with blank eyes, as if he’s recalling something Yixing isn’t quite sure Baekhyun wants to remember.
“I’m scared of falling in love, you know,” Yixing thinks he hears him mumble once, “because what happens if the other person doesn’t love you back?”
“Sorry, what?” Yixing asks, but Baekhyun only answers with a small twitch of his lips, too sad, too sorrowful to be called a smile.
august
“Duck!”
Yixing bends down a second too late and ends up getting a face full of towel thrown at him. He picks the droopy cloth off the floor and glares at Baekhyun, who’s standing in front of him with a mischievous and not-at-all-sorry expression, as if he’s trying not to laugh.
“Yah,” Yixing says, trying to sound as annoyed as possible, but he never could contain his laughter for long. “What was that for?”
“You looked lost,” Baekhyun shrugs, his eyes still crinkling into those beautiful crescents even though his lips have gone back to a neutral position. “I decided to put you back on track.”
“Really?” Yixing goes back to sorting out the papers behind the counter and nonchalantly begins stapling packets together while Baekhyun resumes scrubbing the floor. “Well thanks, I guess. For making me pay attention. Like this-”
Before Baekhyun can react, Yixing throws the towel back at him. He catches the other off guard, and the next few seconds are rather chaotic, with Baekhyun flailing about and trying to catch Yixing and throw the towel back at him. Yixing can’t tell if he’s laughing or gasping for breath, but whatever it is, he’s feeling happy for once, sticking out his tongue childishly and running away from Baekhyun before he gets pelted with the towel again.
Baekhyun catches up with him in a corner, cutting off all means of escape as he advances towards Yixing with a smirk and playfully waves the towel under his nose. Yixing throws his hands up in surrender.
“Okay, you win.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m not going to throw this at you,” Baekhyun teases gleefully, and reels his arm back, like a pitcher before he throws a ball. As he leans, he loses his balance and falls forward, stopping only when Yixing reflexively puts out a hand to steady him.
“Sorry,” Baekhyun mumbles, and Yixing realizes that they’re standing much too close for comfort, almost pressed against each other, and his face starts to heat up. Baekhyun’s breaths come a bit shorter, quicker. “Um-”
Almost on impulse, Yixing leans forward, staring into Baekhyun’s eyes. Baekhyun stares back, slightly bewildered, eyes widened, surprise in his face. Their lips hover mere centimeters from each other's, hesitant, waiting. Yixing doesn’t know if wanting is included. As he inches closer, Baekhyun closes his eyes, long eyelashes ghosting against his skin and leaving beautifully slender shadows in their wake. Yixing presses his lips against Baekhyun’s.
But it lasts only for a moment, because just as Baekhyun begins to respond, Yixing pulls back in horror, starting to shake as he realizes what he almost did. “S-Sorry,” he stammers, stepping away, numb and paralyzed. Yixing sees the line flashing dangerously beneath his foot, red and yellow and a blaring siren in his ears. In all honesty, he's only just crossed it-but just still counts as crossing, and if he doesn’t stop now, there’s no turning back.
Baekhyun stares helplessly as Yixing hastily packs his bag and all but runs out the door of the pet shop, not even sparing a glance behind him.
With Sehun, it had started with a kiss too. But with Sehun, it had ended with only tears.
october
“You said you wanted to meet.”
“And you actually agreed?” Sehun’s expression gives nothing away, but his fingers twitch slightly on the tabletop and Yixing averts his gaze. “I didn’t think you would answer.”
“Would you rather I leave?” Yixing makes to stand up and Sehun’s expression changes to something hastier, desperate even, and he motions for Yixing to sit down again. Yixing sighs and drops back into his seat, pointedly staring at the wall behind Sehun.
“What do you want?”
Sehun’s lips curl slightly upwards, but Yixing can’t tell if he’s amused, mocking, or contemplative. “You’ve become a lot more abrupt, hyung. Distrustful, even.”
Don’t call me hyung, Yixing wants to say, but he merely tightens his grip on his coffee cup and takes slow, steady breaths, watching his knuckles turn white. “You would know why.”
Sehun’s expression turns cool and distant again, cut off from Yixing. Yixing has never liked that aspect of Sehun. He never knew what he was thinking, if he felt even the slightest semblance of love for Yixing, and that in itself was the wedge that irrevocably drove them apart. Or maybe they were just never meant to be in the first place. “As I told you, I want to talk. And I guess you still hold me in high enough regard to talk with me, even after nine months?”
You make me cry. I still can’t quite get over you. “Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten over you completely, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
“You wouldn’t have run away from me that time we met on street.”
“You’re right.” Yixing pushes his cup away and stands up, voice choking with sudden unshed tears as he avoids Sehun’s gaze furiously. “I don’t think I’ve gotten over you. Are you happy now? Are you here to gloat over that? You never loved me, did you? Or liked me, even. So if we don’t have anything important to talk about, I’ll leave. I have more important things to do.”
“Hyung,” Sehun says quietly, and Yixing pauses at the door, because Sehun sounds more emotional than he has ever been in Yixing’s presence. “I do have important things to talk about. I told you. I missed you. I’m sorry.”
“And?” Yixing asks softly, turning around to face Sehun again. Sehun stares at him with almost imploring eyes, and Yixing suddenly remembers Sehun’s hands in his hair, Sehun’s lips on his, Sehun whispering you’re my favorite hyung.
“Let’s start over, hyung. Please. Let’s try again. Let’s try us again.”
november
The autumn air is chilly that day, tugging at the strands of Yixing’s scarf, reminding him that winter is only a week or so away as he arrives at the pet store and brushes off the stray leaves stuck to his boots. Baekhyun is already sorting through files as Yixing walks in, and the sudden heat sends tingles down Yixing’s arms as Baekhyun looks up. The pet shop seems extremely warm compared to the frosty bite of the wind outside.
“Hey.” Baekhyun gives him a nod and goes back to sorting through the papers, and Yixing sighs inwardly. It’s been this way for some time. Awkward. Hesitant. Neither of them know what to say to each other because even though it’s been a few months, Yixing is pretty sure they both remember the almost-kiss they had rather vividly.
His phone buzzes and Yixing takes it out of his pocket to see that Sehun has sent him a text. Where are you right now? I want to visit you.
Yixing doesn’t know what to think about Sehun, about this entire concept of us. He should be happy. He should be overjoyed. Yet it feels like he’s the one crawling on his knees begging for Sehun to take him back instead of the other way around. Sehun is the one who asked to try again, but Yixing feels like it’s more of his own doing.
He supposes a certain coworker named Byun Baekhyun has partly to do with his conflicted emotions. Sehun is acting extremely out of character and overly nice anyways, which makes Yixing feel uncomfortable. Remember the pet store across the street from our apartment? I’m there right now.
He pauses, because he doesn’t know what Baekhyun would think, and he’s not sure if he wants Baekhyun to see Sehun, but it’s too late. He’s already pressed the send button.
“What are you doing at a pet shop?” Sehun asks when he walks through the entrance and Yixing shrugs. Baekhyun suddenly is nowhere to be seen, and Yixing vaguely recalls him saying something about needing to check on the cats five minutes ago.
“I work here. I needed something to do.”
“Hm.” Sehun looks around the shop curiously, expression distant as he stares at the animals and supplies. For some reason, Yixing feels like he’s stuck in a pressure cooker, slowly building up, about to burst with something but he doesn’t know what. Something to do with trying to figure out Sehun and Baekhyun and if he really needs Sehun after the months he's unhealthily spent pining after him. Something to do with wondering if this just isn’t right.
“What do you do when you-”
“I got a kitten,” Yixing blurts out, and when Sehun turns around in surprise, he takes a deep breath and continues, “I got a kitten because I remembered that you wanted a cat when we were talking about living together and-”
Sehun cuts him off by grabbing his collar and slamming him against the counter, mouth already half parted against Yixing’s. The familiar sparks begin to collide once again and Yixing finds himself on the verge of closing his eyes, almost drowning in that bottomless abyss he'd only just get hauled out of, when he catches sight of a figure in the corner of his eyes. He freezes.
Baekhyun is watching them, eyes wide and glossy, and Yixing knows those are tears threatening to spill over any minute. It takes Baekhyun only a split second to turn away from the sight and disappear round the corner, but it also takes Yixing onto that split second to realize exactly what he was going to say to Sehun. In the end, there was no need for Baekhyun and Yixing to avoid each other. It’s all Yixing’s fault anyways, for running away. He’s been leading Baekhyun around and around in circles without even knowing it, a maze of confusion, a terrible game they've both been unconsciously playing.
“Stop it.” Yixing pushes Sehun away and they stare at each other, slightly breathless, palpable tension hanging between them. “You didn’t let me finish what I was going to say.”
“I got carried away,” Sehun admits quietly, still staring into Yixing’s eyes, as if his gaze alone was strong enough to overpower Yixing's thoughts. “You mentioned the whole kitten thing and I… I realized you’ve been thinking of me, even after all this time.”
“Don’t lie.”
Sehun steps back, evidently surprised by the sudden vehemence in Yixing’s tone. Yixing is surprised too, but he forces himself to continue. “I think I did love you for a while. Maybe for more than a while. But that was an obsession, not love. Love is never about wanting something so badly that you can’t function. Love is never about possession. You made me happy, Sehun-ah. Really. At least, in the beginning. So thank you for that.”
“What are you-”
“You never loved me, or liked me that much. Or maybe you did. But that faded away with time, right? And I don’t know why you’re even asking after me now-maybe you just missed having someone to talk to or something. But it was never about love or affection or anything like that. I'm right, aren't I?”
Sehun stays silent, eyes downcast, and Yixing has the terrible feeling of being right about something he might have not wanted to be correct about.
“It was pointless getting a kitten for you because some memories are meant for letting go, but I didn’t realize that.” He takes a long, shaky breath, and nods towards the door. “So I’m leaving this time, and we both know it’s for the better. You were right. It’s because of us. It didn't work out and probably never will. I’m sorry for that.”
Silence wraps around them like a blanket, and eerily so, until Yixing can hear even the faint squawks of the parakeets from the very back of the pet shop. Sehun opens his mouth as if to say something, but then ultimately seems to decide against it. He gives Yixing a resigned nod and walks away, out of the pet store, out of Yixing’s sight, out of Yixing's heart. It’s like the ending of a story, but not quite. Yixing stands rooted there for a minute or so, staring after Sehun's retreating back, before he realizes that Baekhyun is out there somewhere, and needs a lot of explaining.
He finds the other boy scrubbing furiously at one of the fish tanks, brows furrowed as he works. Yixing waits a few moments before kneeling down beside him. “Hey.”
“So you’re back.” Baekhyun’s voice is frigidly cold, cut off. “I hope you had fun kissing.”
“I didn’t ask for the kiss.”
“Who is he?” Baekhyun demands, all pretense of not caring gone, the fire in his eyes blazing furiously as he stares up at Yixing. “Someone you know?”
Yixing is pretty sure Baekhyun knows he’s not the type of person who randomly kisses strangers (taking into account their almost-kiss in August and the implication that Yixing would rather kiss Baekhyun more than anybody else), but the desperation that seeps through Baekhyun’s voice surprises him. He looks down at his shoes, and Sehun’s hair sweeping across his eyes flashes in his mind. “He was…my ex-boyfriend, you could say.”
“But you kissed him.”
“I…” Yixing trails off and sighs. “I don’t know. But-”
“You don’t know?” Baekhyun’s voice is two parts incredulous, three parts hurt. “You don’t know?”
“Baekyun-” Yixing begins, but the other boy already has a head start. Baekhyun dumps his brush in the bucket next to him and makes a run for it. Yixing sprints up after him, but he rounds the corner and it's too late-Baekhyun is nowhere in sight.
“I left him this time,” Yixing says quietly to himself in the silence that follows, “because I realized you are more important to me than he will ever dream of being.”
september
The first text comes at around two in the morning, and it’s a simple sentence. I miss you.
But the thing is, it’s not simple at all, because Yixing realizes a few seconds later that the text is from Sehun. Over the months, he’s learned to ignore the little contact profile that says “Oh Sehun”. He won't lie though, every time he did see it, a pang of something-it's not nausea, but it's not sorrow either-hits him. He coudn’t bring himself to delete it, not after trying so hard to cling onto the fragments of memories he had with Sehun.
The second text comes a few minutes later, and Yixing realizes Sehun’s actually being serious. The first text wasn't a mistake. I want to meet you again. Can we talk? I’ve been thinking of you.
The third text causes Yixing’s heart to plummet-but he’s not sure why. I have something to ask of you. I’ve missed you. A lot. It was wrong for me to walk out. I’m sorry for that.
Let’s meet again.
december
Baekhyun isn’t at work when Yixing walks in on Monday morning, but a vehement search through the phone book scores him Baekhyun's home address. Yixing locks up the pet store and runs through the falling snow until he reaches Baekhyun’s apartment a few blocks away.
His fingers freeze over the doorbell, but this is what he’s here for, right? In the heat of the moment, Yixing jabs the cool metal button with more force than he'd intended.
The first thing Baekhyun says when he opens the door and sees Yixing is, “If you’re here to ask why I’m not at work, it’s because I’m taking a day off.” Then, he seems to realize that Yixing is standing in front of his apartment and narrows his eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m freezing,” Yixing supplies helpfully. “You should let me in before I get frostbite or something and die in the snow. I like my fingers too much to lose them.”
Baekhyun looks as if he’s about to refuse, then sighs and jerks his head towards the apartment. “Come in then.”
“You’re angry at me, aren’t you,” Yixing observes as he plops down on Baekhyun’s sofa and stares out the window at the falling snow. Baekhyun remains silent. “The guy from yesterday-his name is Sehun.”
“I don’t really care,” Baekhyun says stiffly, sitting down next to Yixing and busying himself with a pillow on the sofa. “It doesn’t matter.”
“There’s this concept of us we talked about. We decided it wouldn’t work out. He hurt me a lot. It really wouldn't have worked out in the first place.”
Baekhyun seems to suddenly decide that the pillow he's working on has done him a great wrong, fingers almost yanking at the frayed ends of the fabric. Yixing takes a deep breath and pauses, unsure of what to say next.
“Let me tell you this,” Baekhyun says, in all seriousness, although his shaking voice all but betrays him, staring down at his hands. “You probably know this already, so maybe you’re here to gloat or something, but I like you, you idiot. Okay? Sometimes, I think I like you so much that I can’t even stand myself, because you’ll probably never like me back. But then you had to go kiss me, and I thought maybe, it would work out, but you ran away and the next thing I know, you’re kissing some ex-boyfriend and-”
“Because I’ve been leading you around in circles.”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun's voice drops to a whisper. “Circles.”
“Then let me tell you this,” Yixing whispers back. “I can explain everything later, but right now all I want to tell you is that I really, really like you too. Also, Sehun is an ungrateful, cold jerk and I really don’t like him at the moment. Is that good enough for now?”
“I guess,” Baekhyun says slowly, staring up at Yixing in some sort of delayed surprise. “I’m dreaming, aren’t I?”
“You’re not,” Yixing assures him, and just to make his point even clearer, he leans over and kisses Baekhyun. Something about the concept of us flits in the back of his mind. This one fits.
“I’m not running away this time, am I?” Yixing says when they break apart. Baekhyun looks up at him with swollen lips and a dazed expression in his eyes.
“No,” Baekhyun manages, and finally, everything feels all right again.
january (next year)
That day, the first thing Yixing does when he wakes up in the morning is grab his phone and send a text message. Happy first anniversary of our breakup.
Sehun responds a few minutes later. …You don’t hate me, do you?
No, Yixing replies, then after a moment’s thought, adds, I wish you well. I’ll still think of you as a friend. He looks around the room. It's calm and almost like paradise in the quiet stillness of the early morning. It’s still seven in the morning, a Saturday morning, and Snow is curled up in her basket in the corner of the room. The wall clock is ticking, the sun's rays falling gently over the wooden floor through the cracks between the curtains.
Yixing smiles slightly to himself and sinks into the sheets, drifting back to sleep next to Baekhyun.
exoforsichuan fic #1‼ (out of four in total OTL) and written for jelligom ^^
first of all sehun’s face is very beautiful also he is a cute little fricker and i hate him forever gwiyomi and rainbow hair do not serve well to lengthen my life second of all why is it so hot in summer i’m going to die help i am not used to heat third of all exo (flipping tables emoticon)
why is catbug so cute like o h m y g o d
i’m sorry this turned out like a drama wails i need to stop watching so many dramas
infinite love for chels (sunlit) for betaing!! she is amazing and made this fic so much better oh my gosh ;;