(no subject)
dont get too happy, the worst thing ever could happen at any second.
dont become too depressed, you'll only bring down everyone else
dont become too cocky, cockiness gets on people's nerves
dont become too distant, then you will be forgotten
hard lessons to learn, and it feels as if i've learned all of them. just keep moving on.
this year is so so, and yet difficult.
literally my only FRIENDS left are anna, kyle, and my steve-o. and then there is sarah krista and dana who are my friends at work, but they choose to forget about me outside of it so not to get in trouble with shannon. everyone else just fakes it, or we arent close enough to be considered friends..... just good aquaintences. Think about that. that is really rough.
i cant wait to get out of this town. leave all my regrets behind. be able to go out and make new friends. hopefully this time people that actually give a damn. people who wont forget about me. people who will still love me no matter what and no matter what stupid mistakes i make. i thought i had some of those friends. at least they told me and convinced me of it until i needed them the most. then they just seemed to forget about me. *sigh*
i plan on going to saint louis soon. Start my life completely over. i cant wait until i'm 18. i'll never look back. too many hurtful memories. and too many great memories from a couple of years ago that are hurtful as well because i miss them so much. memories of freshman and sophmore year. the easy life. the good life.
i'm getting so sick of being doped up. the doctor basically has me maxed out on 2 different kinds of anti-depressants that only seem to be making things worse. especially when you have to take 5 a day. plus all the pain killers i'm on. and the other pills. i literally feel like i'm a drug addict because i'm taking 10 pills a day.
dyed my hair a week ago. i am a red head now. i dont think my hair is holding the dye though because when i wash my hair, the dye is still slowly coming out, and my hair is slowly fading.
my back is killing me. i dont want to go get all those shots put in it. 1 inbetween every single one of my vertebre. that is a lot of shots. especially when the needle is huge (like 2 inches long), she puts it in 1/2 way, moves it in a different direction so as to get it under the bone and then shoves it in the rest of the way. oh yeah. it hurts. i had 2 put in my shoulder, and my shoulder has just been more fucked up ever since. and one put in my back that i can barely move now. some good those shots did.
i have more physical therapy appointments because i'm not getting any better. i might have to end up doing what i did freshman year and have 2 sets of books so i dont have to carry a back pack. the doctor can feel my back and find every single knot. she said she thinks my back has the most twisted muscles she has ever felt and i am far too young to be having these kinds of back problems.
play this tuesday and thursday. i also have a physical therapy appointment on tuesday. lets hope it gets out in time, because i'm NOT missing that appointment. i'd miss the play over the appointment because that is how bad my back is feeling. i wont make it at school the rest of the week unless i get through this appointment. and mrs. genes is going to have to get over it if i miss my part. it is after school, and she cant penalize my grade if i dont show up because i do my work in class. that is all i am required to do. she has amber, so amber is just gonna have to learn to speak up.
anyone who wants to go to the play, please come because i need people to sit in the audience with me and play along. sing songs badly, scream things at random points. ya know. act annoying.
i feel a break down coming along soon.
too much college stuff. i should find out in about a week to two weeks whether i was excepted to saint louis university or not.
i found my movie at block buster. Mind Hunters. good movie if you like mystery and suspense.
i am pissing my mother off a lot lately because she tries to talk to me about the most stupid crap. the weather and stuff. and i just dont like her and i dont want to talk to her. she when she tells me to play her guessing games and i tell her i dont know and she says just guess i will tell her i still dont know and she will say guess and i will tell her no and it pisses her off. i dont feel like being treated like i'm 2. i dont like playing games and being treated like a baby.
i hate that woman and her mood swings. i hate that woman and how she takes everything in life for granted. i hate how she wastes her money. i hate how she wastes my fathers money. i hate almost everything about her. the doctors say it is a phase i'm going through and i should be over it in a few months. that most teens go through it around this age. well, the fact that i've been going through it since i was 9 says something different to me.
everynight when i go to bed i just want to breakdown and cry. some nights i do. those are the nights i probably get the best sleep too. i try to be strong. hold it back. it gets hard to do. i envy those who can keep everything inside. i've done that for years. i guess it is just wearing down on me.
i will regain that strength someday.
i hate getting lectures. over and over. being told how irresponsible i am. being told how i will never go anywhere in life and how hateful i am.
i hate how she tells me what i'm thinking. she doesnt know damn shit. UGH. if you wouldnt disrespect me i wouldnt do it to you. it seems as if you do this intentionally to me. you try to break me down. as if you get some sick pleasure from seeing me hurt inside. i'm trying my best to remain calm. i'm trying my best to hold my life together. and you are trying your best to break me apart.
stephen is all i have. the only one i really have left. the only shoulder i can cry on. the only one to hold me and love me for who i am no matter what. i've given him a lot of shit because i take a lot out on him trying to relieve my own stress from my parents and just all out everything. and yet he still cares for me. i am so sorry for making him sad at times. i've seen him cry just because i was in a really bad mood and he couldnt get me to smile. he worries about me more than anything, and i'm just afraid i'm gonna end up depressing him.
he has so much stress. working 2 hard stressful jobs. not having time to eat or sleep. barely being able to pay his bills. him living in a strange house with a woman he agrees is crazy just by what he sees. and he doesnt see anything. he has heard her yell at me a few times but that is it. he hasnt even heard everything she has said.
oh, and she told me that she had the bank fax her the paperwork to my account and it says i took out 400 dollars. i've only taken out 175 in that damn account. no fucking more than that and i'm slowly gathering the money to put back into it. i wouldnt be surprised if she took the money out of that account. she wastes her money on everything so why not waste mine too??
she thinks she is a good mother. well fuck that. sure, she could be considered worse. beat me daily. leave bruises and give me black eyes. but honestly i would take that. i wouldnt mind that at all. strangely enough, i'd care less if she did that. it is all this mental shit she puts me through. i can stand emotional and mental pain.
i can definetely feel that breakdown coming. and if i have another one, i'm not sure even lakeside will save me this time. youll just have to hand over the straight jacket. ..... i've always wanted a room with padded walls.
dont become too depressed, you'll only bring down everyone else
dont become too cocky, cockiness gets on people's nerves
dont become too distant, then you will be forgotten
hard lessons to learn, and it feels as if i've learned all of them. just keep moving on.
this year is so so, and yet difficult.
literally my only FRIENDS left are anna, kyle, and my steve-o. and then there is sarah krista and dana who are my friends at work, but they choose to forget about me outside of it so not to get in trouble with shannon. everyone else just fakes it, or we arent close enough to be considered friends..... just good aquaintences. Think about that. that is really rough.
i cant wait to get out of this town. leave all my regrets behind. be able to go out and make new friends. hopefully this time people that actually give a damn. people who wont forget about me. people who will still love me no matter what and no matter what stupid mistakes i make. i thought i had some of those friends. at least they told me and convinced me of it until i needed them the most. then they just seemed to forget about me. *sigh*
i plan on going to saint louis soon. Start my life completely over. i cant wait until i'm 18. i'll never look back. too many hurtful memories. and too many great memories from a couple of years ago that are hurtful as well because i miss them so much. memories of freshman and sophmore year. the easy life. the good life.
i'm getting so sick of being doped up. the doctor basically has me maxed out on 2 different kinds of anti-depressants that only seem to be making things worse. especially when you have to take 5 a day. plus all the pain killers i'm on. and the other pills. i literally feel like i'm a drug addict because i'm taking 10 pills a day.
dyed my hair a week ago. i am a red head now. i dont think my hair is holding the dye though because when i wash my hair, the dye is still slowly coming out, and my hair is slowly fading.
my back is killing me. i dont want to go get all those shots put in it. 1 inbetween every single one of my vertebre. that is a lot of shots. especially when the needle is huge (like 2 inches long), she puts it in 1/2 way, moves it in a different direction so as to get it under the bone and then shoves it in the rest of the way. oh yeah. it hurts. i had 2 put in my shoulder, and my shoulder has just been more fucked up ever since. and one put in my back that i can barely move now. some good those shots did.
i have more physical therapy appointments because i'm not getting any better. i might have to end up doing what i did freshman year and have 2 sets of books so i dont have to carry a back pack. the doctor can feel my back and find every single knot. she said she thinks my back has the most twisted muscles she has ever felt and i am far too young to be having these kinds of back problems.
play this tuesday and thursday. i also have a physical therapy appointment on tuesday. lets hope it gets out in time, because i'm NOT missing that appointment. i'd miss the play over the appointment because that is how bad my back is feeling. i wont make it at school the rest of the week unless i get through this appointment. and mrs. genes is going to have to get over it if i miss my part. it is after school, and she cant penalize my grade if i dont show up because i do my work in class. that is all i am required to do. she has amber, so amber is just gonna have to learn to speak up.
anyone who wants to go to the play, please come because i need people to sit in the audience with me and play along. sing songs badly, scream things at random points. ya know. act annoying.
i feel a break down coming along soon.
too much college stuff. i should find out in about a week to two weeks whether i was excepted to saint louis university or not.
i found my movie at block buster. Mind Hunters. good movie if you like mystery and suspense.
i am pissing my mother off a lot lately because she tries to talk to me about the most stupid crap. the weather and stuff. and i just dont like her and i dont want to talk to her. she when she tells me to play her guessing games and i tell her i dont know and she says just guess i will tell her i still dont know and she will say guess and i will tell her no and it pisses her off. i dont feel like being treated like i'm 2. i dont like playing games and being treated like a baby.
i hate that woman and her mood swings. i hate that woman and how she takes everything in life for granted. i hate how she wastes her money. i hate how she wastes my fathers money. i hate almost everything about her. the doctors say it is a phase i'm going through and i should be over it in a few months. that most teens go through it around this age. well, the fact that i've been going through it since i was 9 says something different to me.
everynight when i go to bed i just want to breakdown and cry. some nights i do. those are the nights i probably get the best sleep too. i try to be strong. hold it back. it gets hard to do. i envy those who can keep everything inside. i've done that for years. i guess it is just wearing down on me.
i will regain that strength someday.
i hate getting lectures. over and over. being told how irresponsible i am. being told how i will never go anywhere in life and how hateful i am.
i hate how she tells me what i'm thinking. she doesnt know damn shit. UGH. if you wouldnt disrespect me i wouldnt do it to you. it seems as if you do this intentionally to me. you try to break me down. as if you get some sick pleasure from seeing me hurt inside. i'm trying my best to remain calm. i'm trying my best to hold my life together. and you are trying your best to break me apart.
stephen is all i have. the only one i really have left. the only shoulder i can cry on. the only one to hold me and love me for who i am no matter what. i've given him a lot of shit because i take a lot out on him trying to relieve my own stress from my parents and just all out everything. and yet he still cares for me. i am so sorry for making him sad at times. i've seen him cry just because i was in a really bad mood and he couldnt get me to smile. he worries about me more than anything, and i'm just afraid i'm gonna end up depressing him.
he has so much stress. working 2 hard stressful jobs. not having time to eat or sleep. barely being able to pay his bills. him living in a strange house with a woman he agrees is crazy just by what he sees. and he doesnt see anything. he has heard her yell at me a few times but that is it. he hasnt even heard everything she has said.
oh, and she told me that she had the bank fax her the paperwork to my account and it says i took out 400 dollars. i've only taken out 175 in that damn account. no fucking more than that and i'm slowly gathering the money to put back into it. i wouldnt be surprised if she took the money out of that account. she wastes her money on everything so why not waste mine too??
she thinks she is a good mother. well fuck that. sure, she could be considered worse. beat me daily. leave bruises and give me black eyes. but honestly i would take that. i wouldnt mind that at all. strangely enough, i'd care less if she did that. it is all this mental shit she puts me through. i can stand emotional and mental pain.
i can definetely feel that breakdown coming. and if i have another one, i'm not sure even lakeside will save me this time. youll just have to hand over the straight jacket. ..... i've always wanted a room with padded walls.