hmmmm
so i'm a bit confused on the dustin front. I know i should just get the fuck over him...sounds easy huh..but every thing reminds me of the fucker! And as much as i would like to think he's a fucker i can't! dammit! And i really should feel like he is now that he told me that everything he wrote me and all the times he left me comments and such, was all bull shit. Basically he didn't mean any of it..or at least he only wrote it to make me feel better not because it was actually in his heart. hmmmm... and on that car ride spoken of below he held my hand...now i didn't ask him to or even make a movement that would make him think i wanted my hand held, but apparently he only did that for me...to me that's leading someone on...i didn't demand my hand be held, i figured he wanted to hold my hand..but no. Oh well. I just feel like his friends (who i thought were my friends too) really fucked me over. I think he really took to heart their advice to stay away from me... It just sucks because i thought we were happy...but it turns out it was all a lie..his love for me was all a lie, i mean maybe he doesn't want to admit that but it seems to me that if all his heart felt sayings to me were BS, then how can i trust his words "i love you"? and that's another thing he said to me "i don't know how you will feel hearing this but i love you" well you know how i feel...i feel like that's a load of BULL SHIT. How can you say to someone "everything i wrote was just so you wouldn't be mad at me" but then expect that person to think the words "i love you" are really coming from his heart... How can i trust him...how can i trust anyone (man) again. i gave my whole heart just to have it ripped out of my chest...without warning...without care. I feel like i can't ever love someone again because as soon as i do they will just say "i don't give a flying fuck about our relationship or you...everything is about me...GOOD BYE HOLLY MY LOVE" and i'm sure as hell never buying a boy friend a fucking $400 camera just to have my heart ripped out in a month... But how can i trust that the next guy isn't just randomly writing love notes to me. i mean for fucks sake maybe all my boy friends will just have pre-written notes that they can give to anyone who's having a bad day...one days it's "You're the best thing in my life" the next it's "you make me unhappy i need you out of my life"
But you know i figured something out...today he said "you sound pissed" but all i had done was TEXT him..how can i person sound pissed over a fucking text...and i wasn't at all. But you see he always did that, he told me he felt guilty hanging with his friends..but i didn't even say anything..he just assumes i'm mad...he was always assuming i was mad.
The other pisser is...i never got credit for anything. I made him an easter basket, and photo album, and made him pretty things in theater, and wrote him notes...but yet I WAS THE ONE THAT DIDN'T SHOW MY LOVE ENOUGH. WFT?! He also always said i never scratched his head, but i did it every time we were lying down (which was a lot). I also gave him my blessing to go to New York with two fucking girls which i know a lot...if not every girl in the world would not feel comfortable with two very attractive girls taking their boyfriend to fucking New York City for a week or so. But yet one of the reason's he dumped me was because i "wouldn't let him go to NYC". Well maybe if you listened to me...ever you might realize that all i wanted was your happiness but does he care about mine? Does he care to give me a second chance now that i know i was such a horrid girl friend? NOPE. God forbid he give me one day out of his single life to prove my love...much less one week. He won't even give me 20 minutes on the phone to talk to him.
Then he wishes my mom a happy mothers day today...if he were still mine..he would never mix up something like that because i was the one constantly reminding him of things like that, or when he had to work, or when he had to go to fucking preview at UCF.
BUT FUCK HOLLY WHAT IS SHE WORTH? SHE ONLY GAVE ME A YEAR OF HER LIFE AND ABOUT 5000 DOLLARS OF HER MONEY...AND HER WHOLE HEART. FUCK HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybe this is the anger stage...hmmm i don't know.
But you know i figured something out...today he said "you sound pissed" but all i had done was TEXT him..how can i person sound pissed over a fucking text...and i wasn't at all. But you see he always did that, he told me he felt guilty hanging with his friends..but i didn't even say anything..he just assumes i'm mad...he was always assuming i was mad.
The other pisser is...i never got credit for anything. I made him an easter basket, and photo album, and made him pretty things in theater, and wrote him notes...but yet I WAS THE ONE THAT DIDN'T SHOW MY LOVE ENOUGH. WFT?! He also always said i never scratched his head, but i did it every time we were lying down (which was a lot). I also gave him my blessing to go to New York with two fucking girls which i know a lot...if not every girl in the world would not feel comfortable with two very attractive girls taking their boyfriend to fucking New York City for a week or so. But yet one of the reason's he dumped me was because i "wouldn't let him go to NYC". Well maybe if you listened to me...ever you might realize that all i wanted was your happiness but does he care about mine? Does he care to give me a second chance now that i know i was such a horrid girl friend? NOPE. God forbid he give me one day out of his single life to prove my love...much less one week. He won't even give me 20 minutes on the phone to talk to him.
Then he wishes my mom a happy mothers day today...if he were still mine..he would never mix up something like that because i was the one constantly reminding him of things like that, or when he had to work, or when he had to go to fucking preview at UCF.
BUT FUCK HOLLY WHAT IS SHE WORTH? SHE ONLY GAVE ME A YEAR OF HER LIFE AND ABOUT 5000 DOLLARS OF HER MONEY...AND HER WHOLE HEART. FUCK HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybe this is the anger stage...hmmm i don't know.