I've officially gone mad.
I swear I could see my brain dripping out of my ears after I wrote this. It's all drifting's fault, somehow.
Anyways, instead of working on something worthwhile like my other fanfictions or my math homework (even though homework is allegedly for the weak, like eating and breathing), I wrote this for the 100_situations thing. Just because I felt like it. Apologies to drifting who is also doing Table 1, but it had the word FIRE in it so I just had to do it! -wibbles-
It's crack. It might not be funny though. >>;
--
100_situations
Table 1, #31: KNIFE
Warnings: It's stupid! 8D
Title: Smoker's Query Regarding Ace's Stabby Implement of Doom
It was one of the stupidest things he'd ever seen, and over the past stupid year Smoker had seen many stupid things. Unfortunately, those stupid things seemed to lead back to the person wearing the stupidest-thing-he'd-ever-seen and that person's stupid brother. Stupid.
What the heck was it, anyways? Well, Smoker knew what it was, since he was so intelligent and had eyes that could recognize a dagger-knife-thing when he saw one. He just didn't know what stupid person had decided to make such a stupid-looking weapon and then give it to somebody equally stupid.
It was green. And orangey. And stripey. And stupid. Why?!
Therefore, the most logical course of action Smoker saw (since he was intelligent, wasn't blind and also had plenty of logic) was to ask Portgas D. Ace why he had such a stupid dagger-knife-thing strapped to his waist.
"Portgas, why do you have a stupid dagger-knife-thing strapped to your waist?" Smoker asked the next time he saw the pirate, glaring. After all, he was good at glaring. It was one of his special skills, along with knitting (but he wasn't going to tell anybody that).
Ace blinked. "Did you just call it a 'stupid dagger-knife-thing'? Are you feeling okay Smokey? Y'know, in the head?"
"Yes," Smoker growled, answering all three of Ace's questions at once. Because he was just that awesome. "Now answer my question. Why do you have a dagger-knife-thing?"
"Uh... firstly, it's a knife," Ace explained slowly.
"I can see that. I'm not blind, stupid pirate."
"Ooooookay," Ace said nervously. Maybe all that knitting has finally messed with his head, Ace pondered. Not like I'll ever tell him I know he knits, even though he makes such cute scarves... "Well, you can cut things with it. And stab things with it. Since it's a knife."
Smoker glared again. "I know that. I'm not stupid. I'm also not blind. I already mentioned that, but I'm saying it again just in case you were too stupid to understand me the first time. I'm just wondering why you would need a knife to cut and stab things if you're made of fire."
Ace paused for a moment to think. "You have a jitte," he pointed out, figuratively and literally, just to show off how good he was at multi-tasking.
"But it has seastone in it," Smoker retorted, rolling his eyes. "Your knife is just made of normal metal. How can it be useful?"
"It can cut and stab thi --"
"YES I KNOW IT CAN CUT AND STAB THINGS. You mentioned that already, and since I'm not stupid and not blind, I remembered that a knife can cut and stab things, even though blindness has nothing to do with it." Smoker stopped ranting in an attempt to calm himself down by thinking of soothing things, like puppies and Justice. Maybe even Justice-puppies, which sounded totally awesome. "Why would you need to cut and stab things if you can just burn things into charcoal?"
Ace scoffed. "Burning things all the time just isn't fun," he explained. Ace paused. "No wait, it is fun. Okay, what I'm trying to say is that it's not terribly convenient burning things all the time. It sort of attracts attention, which isn't so great for a high-bounty pirate like me. Get it?"
Smoker stared at the obnoxiously bright orange hat, the large red beads, the bare... chest... (okay, finding something else to stare at), the two large tattoos, the gaudy belt and its buckle, the low-riding shorts (also going to find something else to stare at), the horribly clashing bag, and the stupid, stupid, stupid dagger-knife-thing. "Yes, it's evident you like avoiding extra attention."
"I'm glad you agree," Ace said, Smoker's sarcasm flying high over his head like a beautiful butterfly. "You just can't burn everything," Ace continued explaining. "No wait, you could, actually..."
"Portgas, shut up," Smoker sighed. "If there's a point to your explanation, please get there. Soon."
"Knives are pointy," Ace pointed out.
"I know knives are pointy," Smoker grumbled. Seeing Ace start to talk, Smoker quickly interrupted by saying, "I also know that they cut and stab things, so please stop saying that. Just... just tell me what you use your knife for besides cutting and stabbing things."
Ace furtively glanced around. “Is anybody else here?” he asked cautiously.
Smoker shook his head and said, “No.” He watched as Ace pulled out a block of wood from his bag. “What are you doing…?” Smoker asked.
Ace shushed him. “Just watch.” Then he took his knife and carved a puppy in less than 30 seconds. As an afterthought, he took his finger and burned the word ‘Justice’ onto its back, just for the hell of it. “Tada!” he exclaimed triumphantly. “It’s a Justice-puppy!”
Smoker stared long and hard at it, and then said, “… Can I please have it?”
“Sure,” Ace said, grinning and giving his impromptu sculpture to the grumpy Commodore. “You can knit it a sweater and scarf too, if you feel like it.”
--
Author's Notes:
I was highly entertained by making terrible puns, as you can probably tell. Apparently the 200 words minimum is just half a page in Microsoft Word! 8'D
WHEEEEEE THAT WAS FUN. -catches dripping brain matter in a bucket so that I can paint with it later-
Anyways, instead of working on something worthwhile like my other fanfictions or my math homework (even though homework is allegedly for the weak, like eating and breathing), I wrote this for the 100_situations thing. Just because I felt like it. Apologies to drifting who is also doing Table 1, but it had the word FIRE in it so I just had to do it! -wibbles-
It's crack. It might not be funny though. >>;
--
100_situations
Table 1, #31: KNIFE
Warnings: It's stupid! 8D
Title: Smoker's Query Regarding Ace's Stabby Implement of Doom
It was one of the stupidest things he'd ever seen, and over the past stupid year Smoker had seen many stupid things. Unfortunately, those stupid things seemed to lead back to the person wearing the stupidest-thing-he'd-ever-seen and that person's stupid brother. Stupid.
What the heck was it, anyways? Well, Smoker knew what it was, since he was so intelligent and had eyes that could recognize a dagger-knife-thing when he saw one. He just didn't know what stupid person had decided to make such a stupid-looking weapon and then give it to somebody equally stupid.
It was green. And orangey. And stripey. And stupid. Why?!
Therefore, the most logical course of action Smoker saw (since he was intelligent, wasn't blind and also had plenty of logic) was to ask Portgas D. Ace why he had such a stupid dagger-knife-thing strapped to his waist.
"Portgas, why do you have a stupid dagger-knife-thing strapped to your waist?" Smoker asked the next time he saw the pirate, glaring. After all, he was good at glaring. It was one of his special skills, along with knitting (but he wasn't going to tell anybody that).
Ace blinked. "Did you just call it a 'stupid dagger-knife-thing'? Are you feeling okay Smokey? Y'know, in the head?"
"Yes," Smoker growled, answering all three of Ace's questions at once. Because he was just that awesome. "Now answer my question. Why do you have a dagger-knife-thing?"
"Uh... firstly, it's a knife," Ace explained slowly.
"I can see that. I'm not blind, stupid pirate."
"Ooooookay," Ace said nervously. Maybe all that knitting has finally messed with his head, Ace pondered. Not like I'll ever tell him I know he knits, even though he makes such cute scarves... "Well, you can cut things with it. And stab things with it. Since it's a knife."
Smoker glared again. "I know that. I'm not stupid. I'm also not blind. I already mentioned that, but I'm saying it again just in case you were too stupid to understand me the first time. I'm just wondering why you would need a knife to cut and stab things if you're made of fire."
Ace paused for a moment to think. "You have a jitte," he pointed out, figuratively and literally, just to show off how good he was at multi-tasking.
"But it has seastone in it," Smoker retorted, rolling his eyes. "Your knife is just made of normal metal. How can it be useful?"
"It can cut and stab thi --"
"YES I KNOW IT CAN CUT AND STAB THINGS. You mentioned that already, and since I'm not stupid and not blind, I remembered that a knife can cut and stab things, even though blindness has nothing to do with it." Smoker stopped ranting in an attempt to calm himself down by thinking of soothing things, like puppies and Justice. Maybe even Justice-puppies, which sounded totally awesome. "Why would you need to cut and stab things if you can just burn things into charcoal?"
Ace scoffed. "Burning things all the time just isn't fun," he explained. Ace paused. "No wait, it is fun. Okay, what I'm trying to say is that it's not terribly convenient burning things all the time. It sort of attracts attention, which isn't so great for a high-bounty pirate like me. Get it?"
Smoker stared at the obnoxiously bright orange hat, the large red beads, the bare... chest... (okay, finding something else to stare at), the two large tattoos, the gaudy belt and its buckle, the low-riding shorts (also going to find something else to stare at), the horribly clashing bag, and the stupid, stupid, stupid dagger-knife-thing. "Yes, it's evident you like avoiding extra attention."
"I'm glad you agree," Ace said, Smoker's sarcasm flying high over his head like a beautiful butterfly. "You just can't burn everything," Ace continued explaining. "No wait, you could, actually..."
"Portgas, shut up," Smoker sighed. "If there's a point to your explanation, please get there. Soon."
"Knives are pointy," Ace pointed out.
"I know knives are pointy," Smoker grumbled. Seeing Ace start to talk, Smoker quickly interrupted by saying, "I also know that they cut and stab things, so please stop saying that. Just... just tell me what you use your knife for besides cutting and stabbing things."
Ace furtively glanced around. “Is anybody else here?” he asked cautiously.
Smoker shook his head and said, “No.” He watched as Ace pulled out a block of wood from his bag. “What are you doing…?” Smoker asked.
Ace shushed him. “Just watch.” Then he took his knife and carved a puppy in less than 30 seconds. As an afterthought, he took his finger and burned the word ‘Justice’ onto its back, just for the hell of it. “Tada!” he exclaimed triumphantly. “It’s a Justice-puppy!”
Smoker stared long and hard at it, and then said, “… Can I please have it?”
“Sure,” Ace said, grinning and giving his impromptu sculpture to the grumpy Commodore. “You can knit it a sweater and scarf too, if you feel like it.”
--
Author's Notes:
I was highly entertained by making terrible puns, as you can probably tell. Apparently the 200 words minimum is just half a page in Microsoft Word! 8'D
WHEEEEEE THAT WAS FUN. -catches dripping brain matter in a bucket so that I can paint with it later-