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I can go days without eating anything and barely notice. I went for 6 days without any solids. I don't even need my addies anymore. The weight is dropping. And I'm getting closer to 100. I give it a week.
No one knows a thing. Well everyone knows something is up with me but this time around I can't bring myself to tell anyone anything. I can't even bring myself to say it here. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to bring anyone down. I'm done depending on anyone emotionally. I'm toxic to everyone. Anything in this life, is my own doing. It's not fair that I keep letting it effect everyone. So to prevent that, I just keep to myself.
I just bury myself in school related things and when I do go out I try my hardest to be fun and happy.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stronger because I can keep it in now and detatch myself. At the same time, the little logic I have left tells me I'm just losing control. That this time is worse than how I was around my surgery and when I was living in Minneapolis. I'm okay with not saying anything. I'm okay if no one notices. I rather just pretend. Completely opposite of how I was in MN. Yeah, I was at my lowest weight but I still had my voice. I still cried out. I would look for someone when Joe wasn't there. I've stopped looking and I no longer have the desire to reach out to anyone. It doesn't matter if anyone or no one at all is here for me. I refuse to drag anyone into this anymore.
Despite everything, even now, in my saddest moments...I have such deep love for those in my life and even for some that are no longer around. I get this calm feeling just thinking about it. I see how lucky I was/am to have so many people care. Which in turn makes me wonder if any of them could ever forgive me if I was no longer here. I know I've already hurt so many so I honestly don't think I could bring myself to do it purposely. I just know I've already been lucky so far to still be here despite everything I've put myself through physically. The surgery, the starving, the purging, mixing drugs (I have to take more and more because of my tolerance) with alcohol, the cutting and always putting myself in unsafe situations.
How many chances do I have left?