begin
I aim to go back to what I was in some ways while still retaining aspects of who I’ve evolved into. I was once like a spark of fire quick to blow away with the first strike of wind. Now that my stance is steady, I’d like to once more begin.
The past few years, I’d be lying if I said romance didn’t define my life, becoming the wind that often would fly me way off track. I thought about it, almost every minute of every day. Wondering about a man, missing that man, hating man, feeling jealous of that man. So obsessed was I with a man - his face, always changing - that I eluded love. The true meaning of love. And if I’d really understood what love was, I am realizing I wouldn’t have been so prone to flying this way and that. Real love is not turbulence, but nurturing and solid. Anything else is just your ego getting in the way of things, trying to satisfy insecurities and needs nothing else other than you can. Because real love is not about another. It’s about yourself first. Growing up means expanding your definition of what is love, and realizing it’s a conscious decision you make to bring out within yourself and give to others, no matter how hard it might be.
I also eluded me, although I’m closer to her than I’ve been since childhood, but I still have a long way to go. And that’s probably why I eluded love
You have been loved the entire time. You were just too focused on a man and the packaged, societal definition of what it should be to recognize it. But love is never about pink hearts, rings, sex, and not even about monogamy or marriage
Love is loyalty - not to his bed, but to the highest nature of yourself that you would act accordingly to him. It is loyalty to yourself, to stay true and focus on creating your life to be the magical adventure you always wanted it to be, while staying firm in your integrity and authenticity. Love is compassion and forgiveness, the recognition that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future, the realization you were born into a dark world, and learned dark ways to cope, so you’re bound to fall and mess up sometimes. But that’s ok, so long as you get up. Love is exposing all of you, despite the fears, and letting another expose all of them without running or judging. Love is allowing there to be spaces in your togetherness
Love, real love? It isn’t about him fulfilling needs and placing a band-aid on wounds you were too afraid to take care of yourself. The lover is not the toilet you take an emotional dump on, nor the punching bag you let take the blame for all your personal failings you’re too afraid to admit, for all the things your Dad did, what your sister said that pissed you off earlier
Love is learning to take care of that stuff by yourself, for yourself, because you love yourself. When you love you - when you commit to loving you, I should say, because we will never 100% love ourselves all the time, but we can try - then you can love him. You are no longer selfish and needy because you meet all of your needs, and you’re giving yourself the attention and love you thought he could give you, but can’t ever.
Love involves him, but it involves you too, it involves your family, it involves your friends, it involves strangers across the world.
Expand. That’s what I’m learning to do now.
I write again to let the thoughts flow once more, to just flow.
Let’s begin.