(no subject)
I can't sleep because the frat house next door is loud as fuck due to wooster wednesday.
and now my stinky roommate put the tv on.
stinky. literally.
I put all the dishes under the sink in the cabinet cause I don't want them getting thrown out, which the cleaning lady will do since they haven't been cleaned. I don't want them thrown out, but I don't want to clean them since I didn't dirty them.
She pisses me off. Just by being... alive, I think.
but thats not why I'm posting.
I don't really know why I'm posting... I guess I'm trying to find something. A place, maybe? a niche? or is it something more... myself, maybe?
I don't really know. I guess its just a sort of late night sleepy rambling.
I do know one thing I want. And I have it, sort of, but not in the way I'd really like it. Not yet, anyway.
I dunno. happy people piss me off. maybe I'm just jealous that they've found some sort of secret... how to get what they want or be satisfied with what they've got... I'm not sure which. Sometimes I wonder if anybody really is happy.
I love my school and classes and departments, and I wouldn't dream of transferring. But sometimes getting out of here is all I can think about. I'm not sure if I go home a lot lately to see my nephew like I think, or because I want to be away from here. I think its both, cause I do miss him a lot. and I don't miss school so much when I leave. getting in the car and getting on 71 north is almost too hard to do sometimes.
but alas, I've been through this before, and I always come out on the other side. It just feels like forever every time I go through it. I'm gonna talk to Mike about changing my dosage tomorrow. that sounds good.
I just need to start focusing on the things that I do have, to get me through the things that I need to do, which will lead me to what I want. I know this, I can see the clear path and connection. but sometimes all I can see is that which is lacking, and I start to wonder if its worth it to do all the shit I have to do with so much missing.
and then I feel so fucking selfish. cause I know that I have a lot of people that love me. sometimes they just don't show it the way I'd like them to.
ok. enough of this. sleep will make it better. I hope.
and now my stinky roommate put the tv on.
stinky. literally.
I put all the dishes under the sink in the cabinet cause I don't want them getting thrown out, which the cleaning lady will do since they haven't been cleaned. I don't want them thrown out, but I don't want to clean them since I didn't dirty them.
She pisses me off. Just by being... alive, I think.
but thats not why I'm posting.
I don't really know why I'm posting... I guess I'm trying to find something. A place, maybe? a niche? or is it something more... myself, maybe?
I don't really know. I guess its just a sort of late night sleepy rambling.
I do know one thing I want. And I have it, sort of, but not in the way I'd really like it. Not yet, anyway.
I dunno. happy people piss me off. maybe I'm just jealous that they've found some sort of secret... how to get what they want or be satisfied with what they've got... I'm not sure which. Sometimes I wonder if anybody really is happy.
I love my school and classes and departments, and I wouldn't dream of transferring. But sometimes getting out of here is all I can think about. I'm not sure if I go home a lot lately to see my nephew like I think, or because I want to be away from here. I think its both, cause I do miss him a lot. and I don't miss school so much when I leave. getting in the car and getting on 71 north is almost too hard to do sometimes.
but alas, I've been through this before, and I always come out on the other side. It just feels like forever every time I go through it. I'm gonna talk to Mike about changing my dosage tomorrow. that sounds good.
I just need to start focusing on the things that I do have, to get me through the things that I need to do, which will lead me to what I want. I know this, I can see the clear path and connection. but sometimes all I can see is that which is lacking, and I start to wonder if its worth it to do all the shit I have to do with so much missing.
and then I feel so fucking selfish. cause I know that I have a lot of people that love me. sometimes they just don't show it the way I'd like them to.
ok. enough of this. sleep will make it better. I hope.