OMG reality check
So I sit here and after being dissed, wonder why I'm still writing about the same thing.
We've been going to counseling for about 6 months, and yet the same shit keeps happening. He doesn't care. It hurts. We are so involved, he said a few times he wants to marry me, but I don't see it. I can't see a life with him. He doesn't try. I asked him once give me the definition of try. He didn't understand so I said what does trying mean to you. He said go out of your way to do something.....
So here I sit. It's 5:08 am, I think he hung up on me although I'm not sure because Steve's phone was making noise. But he's not here and I called once at 4 or so and again at 4:30 and spoke with him. It doesn't seem to matter to him.
I've been saying that all along.
So why stay in it? I have totally shut him and i.e. myself off of sex. He says it's making love and I told him today I love him but I don't feel loved. He says he understands, but the same shit keeps happening. So telling him why he's not having sex with me anymore, again, I feel used, no time together that he has planned, that he will take me out and make me feel special, has made him stay out all night. To which I cry. And wonder if telling the truth is a good thing, or if just fucking around is the answer.
He has his truck, he HAD his phone but lost it. He can get his own phone and I will give him the truck. I bought the car knowing that this could happen. Back in April. I have Matt and Scott here. I dunno, there's more at stake than just me now. But I can't live like this anymore. Reading this journal has opened my eyes to how long this has been going on. How long will I wait? I'm here waiting, stupid aye? I don't even know why I love him anymore. I just know I do. He doesn't know why he loves me either......I'm just a convienence. He didn't say that but fuck, what else does it seem like??? I'm tired and I just can't do this anymore. WTF, why can't I let go...
We've been going to counseling for about 6 months, and yet the same shit keeps happening. He doesn't care. It hurts. We are so involved, he said a few times he wants to marry me, but I don't see it. I can't see a life with him. He doesn't try. I asked him once give me the definition of try. He didn't understand so I said what does trying mean to you. He said go out of your way to do something.....
So here I sit. It's 5:08 am, I think he hung up on me although I'm not sure because Steve's phone was making noise. But he's not here and I called once at 4 or so and again at 4:30 and spoke with him. It doesn't seem to matter to him.
I've been saying that all along.
So why stay in it? I have totally shut him and i.e. myself off of sex. He says it's making love and I told him today I love him but I don't feel loved. He says he understands, but the same shit keeps happening. So telling him why he's not having sex with me anymore, again, I feel used, no time together that he has planned, that he will take me out and make me feel special, has made him stay out all night. To which I cry. And wonder if telling the truth is a good thing, or if just fucking around is the answer.
He has his truck, he HAD his phone but lost it. He can get his own phone and I will give him the truck. I bought the car knowing that this could happen. Back in April. I have Matt and Scott here. I dunno, there's more at stake than just me now. But I can't live like this anymore. Reading this journal has opened my eyes to how long this has been going on. How long will I wait? I'm here waiting, stupid aye? I don't even know why I love him anymore. I just know I do. He doesn't know why he loves me either......I'm just a convienence. He didn't say that but fuck, what else does it seem like??? I'm tired and I just can't do this anymore. WTF, why can't I let go...