Alot to babble about
I'm not sure where to start.... I broke up with Jeff. It'll be three weeks tomorrow. So, that was on the 31st of Ma. Or maybe it was in the middle of the night so it mighta landed on Thursday June 1st. But anyway, I broke it off with him and he didn't even know it until the following Friday when he went to kiss me and I said don't you realize I broke up with you???
From there followed alot of talk, alot of things coming out, both of us sober and really listening. I dunno if anything will become better or not. They say the grass looks greener from the other side, and I am realizing that. How hard is it to make the grass on the side I'M on green???? Only so much shit I can put up with, regardless on how green it may make my grass.
So meanwhile, Patrick has been trying to hook me and I don't know if I see a future with him either. I think (like I have told them BOTH) I am probably destined to be alone the rest of my life. Or at least never have a love of my life that is with me. I have already had the love of my life and that just wasn't meant to be. And love I feel I shouldn't have to try so hard to keep. Sacrifice so much of me, of my fundamental self. I don't want to loose that again, as it is I think I'm still discovering it.
Jeff has been trying, and we really did have a great time at Six Flags swimming and shopping and stuff. But that's one time that I know we both REALLY had fun together in a long time. Something we BOTH enjoy. It's not like we can goto Six Flags continually. And Patrick has basically stopped wanting to go out anywhere when I come over, just wants to stay home. That's how this all came to pass, Jeff didn't want to go anywhere, and now neither does Patrick. I think everyone puts on a show just when they think they got you bang, the real them comes out. I want someone real that I can trust won't change.
I guess I want alot in a relationship. But we are only here once, I think everyone should want more than what they settle for. I've learned that, 10 years of settling will do that to you.
From there followed alot of talk, alot of things coming out, both of us sober and really listening. I dunno if anything will become better or not. They say the grass looks greener from the other side, and I am realizing that. How hard is it to make the grass on the side I'M on green???? Only so much shit I can put up with, regardless on how green it may make my grass.
So meanwhile, Patrick has been trying to hook me and I don't know if I see a future with him either. I think (like I have told them BOTH) I am probably destined to be alone the rest of my life. Or at least never have a love of my life that is with me. I have already had the love of my life and that just wasn't meant to be. And love I feel I shouldn't have to try so hard to keep. Sacrifice so much of me, of my fundamental self. I don't want to loose that again, as it is I think I'm still discovering it.
Jeff has been trying, and we really did have a great time at Six Flags swimming and shopping and stuff. But that's one time that I know we both REALLY had fun together in a long time. Something we BOTH enjoy. It's not like we can goto Six Flags continually. And Patrick has basically stopped wanting to go out anywhere when I come over, just wants to stay home. That's how this all came to pass, Jeff didn't want to go anywhere, and now neither does Patrick. I think everyone puts on a show just when they think they got you bang, the real them comes out. I want someone real that I can trust won't change.
I guess I want alot in a relationship. But we are only here once, I think everyone should want more than what they settle for. I've learned that, 10 years of settling will do that to you.